Black Mama, White Mama Review: Revolution, and the Women Who Struggle

If you're looking for a mild version of exploitation to get a feel for the genre of general schlock cinema, while having it not make you feel too awkward, then Black Mama, White Mama is the film that you're looking for. This is tagged as a WIP (women in prison) movie, but in reality, less than 20 minutes of this movie actually takes place in a prison, and it ends up being a women in fields movie as they run across the countryside trying to escape. We do get a shower scene, and some chick fights, but I wouldn't really consider it a WIP movie.

I've also heard this referred to as a blaxploitation film. It really isn't because there is one black character in the movie (Pam Grier), and she isn't trying to "stick it to the man." She just wants to take her money and leave the island. So, I wouldn't really consider this a blaxploitation movie either. If you want a Pam Grier blaxploitation movie, then look for Coffy or Foxy Brown.

Let's take a look at Black Mama, White Mama.

People to Know

Pam Grier - Defying the
man since 1949

Lee Daniels - The black mama. She's a hooker with a heart of gold, that just wants to escape from the island with the money that she stole from her pimp. She don't talk no jive.

Karen Brent - The white mama. She has revolution in her blood, and will stop at nothing to achieve whatever vague goal she has.

Ruben - He's a cowboy just trying to get by in whatever country they are all in. He's a pimp, a dealer, and a general badass. Ruben runs the vice in his portion of the island, and he is arch enemies with Vic.

Vic - A big boss, pimp, and dealer on the island, who electrocutes his hos when they try to run. Lee stole $40000 from him, and is trying to escape with it. Vic is out to let her know that he ain't no punk.

Matron Densmore - She's a strict no-nonsense guard, who has a thing for nearly all of her prisoners. Lee ain't havin that!

Captain Cruz - Semi-bumbling police captain that is trying to track down Daniels and Brent. He enlists the help of Ruben.

Enesto - Gee, could he be the leader of the revolutionaries?

And the Story Goes...
We begin our cautionary tale with our two leads being bussed in to join the dance squad at their new home...a Filipino prison! (at least it might be a Filipino prison. We never know where the movie takes place.) They're both lean, mean, authority fighting mamas who I know won't take no crap from the Warden. Oh dear, the anticipation of their interactions with each other while in prison is almost too much to bear.

Prison for women is fun. I can't wait for the pillow fight! 

After a fight or two between the mamas, the women end up in the oven without shirts. For those of you who don't know, "the oven" is a large steel box that is barely large enough for two people, and the mamas are placed in solitary confinement together in this box to help them work out their issues. It's slightly less cruel and unusual than forcing level-headed people listen to Bill O'Reilly for hours on end. The Matron has enough of the feisty gals after one unsuccessful attempt sex with Lee, and a possible successful attempt with Karen. Since the Matron isn't getting laid, her and the Worden decide that it might be time for transfer.

During our transit to the big city, Lee's freedom loving revolutionaries attack the convoy in an effort to rescue the young vixen. They ultimately fail, because if they didn't the movie would probably end. Though, our heroines are able to escape during the madness, and run off. The mamas decide that yet another unproductive chick fight is necessary before they make the decision to work together and escape.

The Matron likes to watch young girls shower
more than Hillary Clinton.

So, after obstacles, mishaps, and topless Asian girls giving pedicures, our heroines are forced into one final confrontation with everybody in order to achieve their goals of obtaining freedom.

Overall
All-in-all, this is a fairly entertaining movie, and the mamas are very creative when it comes to the use of costumes and seduction throughout their odyssey of escape. Norwegian scholars have concluded that nun costumes are the perfect outfits for escaped convicts, and the mamas must be privy to this analysis. Personally, I didn't find Black Mama, White Mama to be that slow, but I have a pretty high tolerance to slow paced film (compared to most film-goers these days).

Sid Haig was especially funny playing Ruben the cowboy gang leader. I have no idea where this movie is supposed to take place, and he seems so culturally out of place in his bright blue cowboy outfit, and always blaring country music.

The mamas are both good in playing their roles, and I thought that they played off of each other well. The black person and white person being forced to overcome their differences is nothing new to cinema, but I didn't think that it felt stale in Black Mama, White Mama. This movie doesn't come across as preachy, which is good, and is pretty much just an action film.

Sid Haig -  Checkin' peckers since 1939

If you're looking for pure exploitation, this isn't it. I guess it could technically be called a WIP movie, but I wouldn't consider it so because only a fraction of the film takes place in prison. It's a fun movie though, and I would recommend if you like Fred Olen Ray type pointless nudity and action.

Things Learned

• Women's prison is much different from men's prisons. Shower time isn't scary for them!
• Female prisoners have to wear short pink and yellow dresses in prison.
• Louis takes what he want, when he wants.
• If you are following a cowboy and he notices, then he will force you pull your pants down so he can check you business. 
• Ladies of the night consider themselves to be revolutionists. 

Previous: Machete Review

Machete Movie Review: The Best Action Movie to be Released in September of 2010

Robert Rodriguez is a hit or miss director for me. He is capable of making really entertaining, though mostly mindless, movies that serve no other purpose than looking cool and throwing out nonstop action. Then, he is able to turn around and make some horribly mindless (in a bad way) dribble.  Machete falls somewhere between the cool and the crappy to give us a fairly forgettable modernized version of exploitation. That's not to say that Machete is horrible, because it isn't, but it just doesn't have that fresh magic that Desperado or From Dusk til Dawn had.

And the Story Goes...
Machete is an ex Federale whose wife was killed by Torrez, a kingpin. Machete was left for dead as Torrez's men set the house he is in on fire. He ultimately escapes, and is now living in the States as a day laborer.

While Machete is looking for work for the day, he is approached and asked by a man that works with Torrez to kill a senator. He is forced into doing the job, but is double crossed. He spends the rest of the film searching for those that set him up so that he can get revenge. He ends up working with Luz, a woman that helps Mexicans cross the border, and finds them work and housing, and Sartana, an immigration and customs officer.

Together, they uncover a conspiracy to get a certain anti-immigration senator elected so that a fence can be erected on the border. An it comes down to fisticuffs!

The Good

Michelle Rodriguez - Missing an eye
and a shirt.

As far as the actors are concerned, most good, and some are bad  (mainly one is bad one). Trejo is cool, and delivers as always. It's nice to see him get star billing after all these years of playing character bits in the background. He's a pretty charasmatic dude, and is still able to play the hardcore role at 66 years of age. It's pretty impressive. Seagal, Cheech, Fahey and De Niro were all great and clearly having fun with this one. Michelle Rodriguez is good, though she's playing the same "tough girl" role that she does in every movie that she's in.

The action is pretty cool, and in true Rodriguez style, the weapons get pretty creative. There's a scene where Machete is in the hospital after being shot. Some henchmen come in to kill him, and he is forced to create some makeshift weapons from hospital surgical tools (?), and take them all out. Personally, I would have never thought of cutting a man's stomach open, and using his intestines as a rappel rope. But now, I know what to do if I'm ever in a similar situation.

The Bad

Lindsay Lohan - Ruining movies since
1998.

I have a distaste for Lindsay Lohan, probably because of her real life persona, and she's pretty much playing herself in this. I'm not even exaggerating. She's some skinny cracked out rich girl that apparently makes internet adult videos with her mother. Here's the kicker though, she is constantly covered with hair, or positioned so that you never see her body when she's supposed to be nude. It's just dumb to be in something where the character is supposed to be nude, but refusing toactually play it nude. Honestly, you can't tell me that she believes that she is too classy to go topless.

If you're in any way concerned about Mexicans crossing the border illegally, then be prepared to be preached to. There's no question about the director's stance on the subject. Personally, I'm more concerned the baby boomer's greedy destruction of America. This wouldn't even be an issue if we didn't send our jobs everywhere in the first place. That's all for my soapbox.

One thing that irritates me to no end, and this pertains to movies in general, is the constant use of Ave Maria when violence is going, or is about to go down. It's been done over and over, and it isn't really clever. There are plenty of other beautiful songs out there to choose from if you want to contrast beauty with destruction.

Conclusion 
Basically, I would say that this is an ok movie. Is it great? Eh. But, it definitely has some cool moments in it. I like seeing Steven Seagal as the villain, instead of the usual silent hero that he always plays. I wish he would've been in it more. And, for the most part, everybody does well, and has fun with their roles. It does run slow at times, but I didn't find it to be too much of a problem because the action that is in the movie is really good.

Steven Segal - Mexican Samurai since 1986

If you like over the top action, like Shoot 'Em Up, then I think that you would probably find this to be an entertaining movie, unless they are overly sensitive about immigration. If you don't care, Machete is a decent enough action flick. I still prefer Desperado over Machete, but it's tough to beat that one anyways.

And as a bonus, you get some hot chicks to look at in case you start to get bored.

See it, but rent it before you buy it.

Previous: Chrome and Hot Leather

Chrome and Hot Leather Review: Featuring the Nerdiest Green Berets This Side of the Mississip

Not to be mucked with. 

If you're down with bikersploitation, then boy I have a treat for you today. Of course I'm talking about Lee Frost's 1971s Chrome and Hot Leather! Maybe it's not a perfect movie, but it does have chrome in it, and I think one of the guys in the gang wears a leather coat (most of them wear denim)!

Let's take a look at some of the least biker-ish bikers ever filmed, and how Chrome and Hot Leather contributed to cinema, and ultimately changed the bikersploitation genre.

What's makes this movie different?
Marvin Gaye is in this bad boy! His weapon of choice? The voice of an angel.

Anyways, People To Know

Mitch - A Green Beret whose fiancée was (accidentally) murdered by a (not really) vicious biker gang. He needs revenge, and he needs it now. This guy is so straight laced that Joe Friday would tell him to loosen up.

This magic moment
when I was menacing you
will last forever
forever, 'til the end of time

Jim - Mitch's friend. He's not afraid to ask the question "What's going on?"

T.J. - A large armed biker who often makes statements that don't seem to be true. He'll say things such as "we don't want trouble," or "I'm happy to see you," but you can't help but think that he in fact does want trouble, and is not happy to see you. Also, he does not like noise in the room when he's "menacing someone."

Casey - T.J.'s fellow biker. He smashes Mitch's fiancées windshield with a chain as she's driving down the road. She ultimately drives off of a cliff in true 1970s fashion, and he claims it was an accident. That's just dumb.

Mike - He's controls munitians, and in no way follows protocol.

We're playing G.I.s and Vietcong(s) again? Aw, but I
was the Vietcong last time. 

And the Story Goes...

We begin with Mitch, Jim, and the gang watching some army guys playing the Vietnam equivalent of "Cowboys and Indians." After comparing notes and determining that they probably wouldn't win the Vietnam war, they vow to be hypocritical, and to force their children to endure the same type of situation in the Middle East based on greed, preferably during the the 00s. For the younger readers out there, it is not uncommon for baby boomers to be completely self-centered and greedy. Often you will find them exploit even friends and family to get ahead.

Anyways, we move back to the States to see Mitch's fiancée and her friend being harassed by a biker gang as they are driving down the road. The two try to escape by turning down a road, but "Casey the obsessive biker" decides he will not be rejected by the young beauties, and turns back to run them off of the road, thus killing them.

Look kids, a 1970s "driving off a cliff" shot. This is when
movies were fun. Real cars, real cliffs, real hookers promised
a shot a fame. Ah, times have changed.

Mitch gets word that his fiance has been killed by the vicious biker gang, and comes back to the States with his beret buddies. It's time to track down some outlaws, and to judo-chop some heads.

So, what's the best way to track down and infiltrate a gang of Harley riding outlaws? Buy Kawasakis, and Village People costumes, of course. And it sort of works! Based on their research, Estonian scientist have concluded that bikers can smell a cop a mile away, except when they ride a Kawasaki and dressed as a construction worker.

Eventually Mitch is discovered to be in the army by the gang, and is beat by "large-armed T.J." His Beret buddies are able to track him down, and he is ultimately rescued.

Mitch and his boys somehow are able to get weapons from one of their army buddies who just gives them a ton of stuff. I don't mean a handgun, or a riffle. We're talking dynamite, smoke grenades, mini-rockets and a bunch of other explosives. You'd think that they were invading Canada with the way that they're loading up on bombs.

We enter the final confrontation. Amazingly, there are no deaths in the battle, in spite of the fact that the Berets blow up entire mountains. The Green Berets, through strategy and ingenuity, are able to defeat the bikers and take them to wherever they plan on taking them. Roll credits

Overall

That's Marvin folks. 

Eh, there's nothing special. It's not even "so bad it's funny." It's just kind of boring. The only funny parts are from William Smith (T.J.), who actually is pretty good in this. Marvin Gaye is cool too, but everybody else is just kind of there.

In spite of the images that the title would make you think about, there aren't any steamy scenes. I would expect some of that in a bikersploitation movie. It was the 70s for crying out loud. Streaking was all the rage.

The bikers themselves are just kind of lame, and the Berets are lamer. The bikers are impressively not intimidating in the least. They seem like after school special bikers, instead of down and dirty hardcore bikers. They make renegade look masculine.

I don't really recommend Chrome and Hot Leather unless you're a hardcore __sploitation fan. Or you want to see William Smith or Marvin Gaye handling their business.

Things I learned   

• When a woman says she wants to talk, talk, and talk some more, she doesn't really mean that she wants to talk.
• Bikers fight like the villains in the Adams West Batman series.
• Marvin Gaye should've been in more movies. 
• Bikers don't actually want to hurt people, they just like to sass back. 
• Draft dodgers love to play pinball. 

Previous: Encino Man Review

Ecino Man Review: The Comedy That Was the Voice of a Generation

Hey kids, if you ever want to see what the 90s looked like, or at least how the generation perceived themselves to be, then look no further than Encino Man. You won't find any ground breaking cinematography, or a deep story trying to say something. But, you will get pure stupid early 90s comedy geared for Gen Xers, before Pauly "The Weasel" Shore was completely shunned by both Hollywood and audiences.

What sets this movie apart from all of the other fast editing, unnecessary-sound-effects laden movies of the late 80s and early 90s? Well, Ecino Man has a caveman in it, of course. Let's take a look at this wonderful character study.

People To Know


Dave - Dave is the typical self-absorbed nerd that is constantly seeking popularity. This not an uncommon trait for the offspring of the greedy generation that destroyed any notion of personal values and responsibilities, and ultimately ruined America by singing multiple free trade agreements and sending our jobs overseas, thus destroying our economy, and now our generation has to deal with it...the baby boomers.


Link - A caveman that was frozen in ice for thousands of years, only to be dug up and exploited by Dave. He's one of the more thought provoking characters in the movie. 

-My career only has about 2 years left.
-It's ok Weasel. You've made it this far without any real talent.
Maybe you can put a show together with Screech.

Stoney - Stoney is the pretty much the exact same character that Shore played in every other t.v. show and  movie that he was in. Somehow, he seems to really be on the level of a caveman, and it really works here. Kudos. 

Hi, my name is Matt Wilson. I will be representing
the Billy Zabka-esque character of our film.

Robyn - The popular girl that Dave has been obsessing over since childhood. We know this from the picture he proudly displays of him and her in the bathtub together as children. She's either completely clueless or just a real biznitch because when Dave asks her out, she declines, then immediately request that he ask his friend to go with her instead. Seriously? 


Matt Wilson - The man that Robyn is kind-of dating. He hates Dave, and has a real penchant from discussing people urinating on each others gums. He would later pioneer the __ girls __ cup phenomenon.


And the Story Goes... 


We begin with cavepeople (don't want to be sexist) stiring bowls, and trying to start fires. Suddenly an earthquake strikes, and the caveman falls out of his cave, an into a block of ice. Luckily, the human body is in no way complex, and freezing it in an uncontrolled environment will always allow the person to be revived in the future with nothing more than a couple of space heaters, almost certainly without fail. 


Before we move on, I would like to give a little bit of a history lesson to the younger readers out there. You see, in the early 90s, if you were considered a nerd, then you would always resort to digging swimming pools in your parent's back yard. This would help others see that you were cool. The act dates back to prehistoric times when usefulness was a virtue. (do I smell juxtaposition?)

The honeys love Link...in spite of the fact that he
looks like Yahoo Serious. And, that's a fact!  

Moving along, Dave is demonstrating our innate prehistoric coping mechanism in his parent's backyard, whilst Stoney watches. Our two lovable ne'er do well main characters inevitably discover a caveman. So, what would the obvious decision be if you found a caveman in your backyard, and you were able to successfully resuscitate him? Why, enroll him into highs chool solely on the notion that he will help you to have all sorts of wacky adventures, and ultimately make you popular, of course.

But first, we need an 80s style montage of Link being cleaned up!

They end up being half right. Link does create some crazy high jinks for the duo as they make multiple failed attempts at becoming popular. Alas, it is only Link that ends up becoming popular, but he makes a few enemies along the way...namely Matt Wilson!

One aspect that I can praise about this film is the serious attitude that the director took when demonstrating that it is wrong to use the caveman that you found in your backyard to try to obtain fame. This is tough material to cover, and Dave and Stoney's dramatic conversation brings tears to my eyes, even today. This subject is long overdue for serious debate.

We finally wrap-up the motivational speeches on what friendship with cavemen really is, and move on to the final confrontation. Matt Wilson tells the entire school that Link isn't from Estonia (like Dave & Stoney always said), but is, in fact, an caveman. Oh dear! But, what will the students think?!

Well, if you're versed in 80s/90s films for young people, then you probably know the answer. They cheer!

After Stoney dumps punch on Matt Wilson's head whilst quoting his famous line "shoosh," we move on to happier times. Link is out of the closet, Dave and Stoney have finally achieved popularity, and now it's time for a stylish unrehearsed dance routine. It's amazing how the entire school know this dance without ever rehearsing...or even sharing ideas on the choreography.

The caveman dance
is your chance to do the cave

Overall


This is a fun movie. I thought it was goofy when I saw it as a kid, and I still think it's goofy now. Perhaps it has a bit of nostalgia for me, but I think that if you like some of the movies that I've reviewed up to this point, then you would probably like this. 


Give it a shot. And don't make that "I want the director to give me the 1.5 hours of my life back that I wasted on this stupid movie." It's old, and you probably don't have that much going on anyways.


What I learned from Encino Man:

• Indians don't like when you weaze the ju-uice
• Milk does the body good
• If you are cornered by Mexicans, 5 to 1, then you should refer to their wives as "moldy cheese." Not only will they not jump you, but they will accept you as one of them
• Estonians are famous for eating dog food...out of dog bowls...on the floor
• Some ups pump, and some of us slump

Previous: All Souls Day

All Souls Day Review: A Testamete to the Horror Movies of the 00s

All Souls Day. The zombie genre
is reborn. Or not. 

Few can speak of the most influential horror movies of the 00s, and not mention All Souls Day. Ok, maybe that isn't completely true, but the gospel according to Jack specifically states "All Souls Day isn't the worst-eth movie produc-ed by man." So, there you have it.

Alright, I'll go into more detail. Director Jeremy Kasten, who you may know as the director of the remake of The Wizard of Gore, was given a fairly standard script, and he ultimately pushed out a fairly standard zombie movie. What's the difference with this one? The zombies are Mexican, of course!

People To Know

Alicia - The only person who speaks Spanish in the whole movie, in spite of the fact that it takes place entirely in Mexico. She has an incurable condition known as "the creeps."

Joss - Don't even ask. I've never hated a completely underdeveloped character the way that I hate this guy. You know that kid that warms the bench, but still thinks he's the stuff and acts like an ass because he's technically on the team? That's Joss.

Erica - Cheerleader bimbo. She's rich. We know that because it's mentioned about 7,291 times. I don't want to be mean, but I think that this actress may want to learn how to type. Acting doesn't seem to be her thing.

Tyler - A fairly unconvincing premed student that has to take care of things once Joss is injured. His other choice for a major was pre-law. This leads me to believe that he isn't really interested in becoming a doctor, but he instead just doesn't want to finish school. Why go for 4 years of nonstop drinking when you can go for 6 years of nonstop drinking?

Martia - Enigmatic inn keeper. This Laura Harring  from Mulholland Dr! How is this possible?! Maybe David Lynch was originally signed on to direct this?

Vargas Diaz - The villain, played by Danny Trejo. He's so important that he gets a surname. He's known for laying in bed and beating it while his subject is standing in the room with him. He hasn't perfected his stalking techniques, I guess.

And the Story Goes...

There is a prologue in the beginning, that really isn't important, about the White family who stops in this backwards little Mexican town while on vacation, and it ends with a bunch of screaming. The family is eliminated with the exception of the little crip boy for some reason.

Now the real story begins! We catch our first glimpse of our main characters, an interracial couple, a Mexican girl and a white American guy, who are going to visit her family on what happens be Dia De Los Muertos...The Day of the Dead! Oh Kasten, you're always pushing the envelope.

As they drive, they discuss important issues such as Mexican street name diversity, and the struggle that all interracial couples face.

You know, we're all alone out here in this desert. Your
emotions are probably running wild, and you know that you
don't really have a choice....because of the implication.

Throughout these dialogs we learn that Alicia is a sassy-streetwise Latina, who's always quick with a comeback. Oh, wait...that's a character that would've been fun to watch. Our Alicia is not really boring, but not somebody that you would want to watch for an 1.5 hours...aside from her physical appearance. She's just kind of there.

Joss is annoying. I know that in my review of The Wizards of the Demon Sword review I said that Damon is extremely annoying, but Joss blows that idiot out of the water. I don't even want to think about it.

Anyways, Joss is being his tarded self and is paying more attention to trying to make his "girlfriend" laugh than driving. Because of his constant search for attention and approval, he ends up driving into a funeral progression. The people in the progression want to not die, and end up dropping the casket into the street while jumping out of the way of the car. A living girl, whose tongue has been cut off, falls out, and a shifty eyed cop takes her to the station to help her. Meanwhile our favorite couple is stranded in this Mexican equivalent to a hick town until their car can be fixed. They seek shelter in the only inn in town, where they meet the enigmatic Martia.

Hi, I'm Laura Harring. My career started off good enough, but
 for some strange reason it plummeted, and now I'm forced to
act in low budget films like All Souls Day.
 How can I hep you today?

 As they find their way around the inn, strange things begin to happen. It's your standard low budge scare tactics such as little boys in the mirror's reflection, screaming, and bones in bread.

In spite of all that's happened, Jack-off-Joss decides that he is bored, and the best thing to do is call his friends Tyler and Erica to join them in Mexi-hell. They inevitably come, just in time for All Souls Day. It's a good thing that they do come because where else are we going to get our exposition?! I'm being serious, almost all the attempts at character development in this movie take place in this one scene where they arrive.

Oh, there's also a series of not-really-necessary flashbacks that let us know that Vargas Diaz was a bad man who destroyed all of the villagers of the small town for some reason decades ago. Trejo is Trejo, so I'm not going to be too judgmental of these scenes. I've always had a deep admiration for former-childhood-drug-addicts-turned-actors.

Back to the main story. It turns out that the tongueless girl was meant to be a sacrifice to appease some zombies that are cursed. Without her, the zombies will rise and kill everybody that lives in the town. Tongueless girl dies, and Alicia is taken as her replacement, but Joss saves her before the ceremony is finished. So, the zombies rise. Even when Joss tries to do good, he is annoying, and he screws things up.

The gang eventually gets trapped in the inn with a ton zombies roaming the streets. It's here that Erica displays her supernatural jumping/flying abilities that she learned in cheerleader camp(?). Luckily for us Joss is injured because a zombie thinks his leg "is a Bigmac." There is still hope for this movie!

Can the gang get out alive? Can they discover the secret of the zombies, and how to stop them? I don't want to give away too much, but just know that my dreams were shattered when a certain character does survive.

And for the record, I'm not really leaving too much out of the story here. This is pretty much it. There are a couple of scenes where the kids argue about Joss' possible transformation, and Erica's richness. But, it doesn't go much deeper than that.

Overall

What do you like to eat again?

The acting is somewhat uneven. Some were pretty decent, but some were not even almost good. I was really impressed at how well David Keith was able to deliver his monologue about how much he enjoys eating cats. I found it a little strange because we don't usually eat cats in Ameri....wait...what? He wasn't talking about cats?! 


Poor Laura Harring. That's all I got to say about that. 


Do I recommend? Sure. A dirty little secret that I like to keep is that I've seen this thing more than 10 times. It makes great background noise when you're trying to type up resumes, write blog posts, ignore your family, or find a job! 


It's stupid, but honestly what zombie movies aren't these days.   

Ninja Vs Ninja

Hmm. What can be said of Ninja Vs Ninja?

We clearly have a case of cut and paste cinema with movie. People that are familiar with films that came out of Hong Kong during the 1980s with the word "ninja" in the title know all to well this technique. Basically, for those of you who don't know, cut and paste cinema is where a director takes 1 or more existing movies that have never been released to the public, and combine them with some new footage that is shot by that director. You can imagine the continuity errors, and overall lack of coherence that these movies possess. Often times seeing the characters "interact" with each other is hysterical. You get nothing more than two people, in clearly different rooms, speaking in sentence fragments in a feeble attempt to push the plot along.

Godfrey Ho was a major contributor to this genre, and it seemed that every movie that he churned out to the public had the word "ninja" in the title. In fact, Richard Harrison, the American actor, credits Ho with destroying his career by recycling the Harrison footage over and over again. That is why if you look at Richard Harrison's IMDB page, you will see a ton of titles that begin with "Ninja..."

We begin Ninja Vs Ninja with a white ninja and a black ninja practicing some ninja stuff in a field, and then running alongside walls. The black (or white, depending upon which way you see it), Thompson, is capable of crawling underground. What a stupid ninja. His name is Thompson, and he crawls? This ninja was robbed.

Modern Ninja running along side walls.

The black (or white) ninja is capable of creating multiple hims, and he can throw Chinese stars. That's more like it. This ninja must have had rich parents or something, because he gets all of the cool abilities. You won't catch this dude crawling around.

So many hims.

Apparently they're friends because they discuss not seeing each other around. They probably don't see each other because they're ninjas. Are they seriously expecting to run into each other at TGI Friday's?

We know what we're getting into with opening dialog such as:
White Ninja - "I use ninjiutsu to get money. I'd do anything for money."
Thompson- "You joined this international crime ring, no doubt for the money."

We're only in this for 2 minutes and 52 seconds, and already it's implausible.

That ends our opening sequence, and seeing as how the rest is a jumbled mess of non-linear edits, nonsensical dialog, and subplots that don't involve the ninjas, and are obviously there just take up time, I'll give you the basic story.

We have a Hong Kong CIA agent(?) chasing down a drug kingpin, Fatso. There are two white men talking about some tapes that were stolen, and Fatso is involved. Bear in mind that Fatso and these men are from two completely different movies, so their only interaction is over the telephone.  Fatso has an indestructible nephew, and a psychotic son that is obsessed with a local T.V. personality. The agent has to fight the indestructible nephew, and kill Fatso's son, who is killing people, and is holding the agents son hostage. The reason that I can't give more of the story, is because it's just a series of subplots that don't develope into anything that is worth mentioning. I don't give more story because there is not possible way that I can.

The acting is sub par, the story is sub parer, and the only redeeming qualities are for the 4 minutes that the ninjas are on screen. Actually, both of these movies may have been ok if they weren't spliced together. Picture The Terminator and Alien being edited together to create one crappy story. It'd be a stupid movie, and that's what this is.

You can watch Ninja Vs Ninja below. You may need the Divx converter.

Laser Mission Review

If you like lasers...and missions, then come on down to Jacky's Thoughts. Because we got em both. Well at least a mission part. Here's Laser Mission.

Who to Know

Michael Gold - Our wisecracking mercenary hero. He can take on an foe, and is always quick with a comeback. He's also a master of disguise.

Alissa - The sassy zoologist and love interest that Michael is paired up with as the movie progresses. Her wit is as large as her chest.

Eckhardt - An arms dealer that is in cahoots with Col. Kalishnakov. He is ruthless, and has mummified human heads as trophies. Just come out of the closet already.

Colonel Kalishnakov - The evil Russian col. that is running a diamond mine on slave labor. He also enjoys the company of women.

Professor Braun - The worlds foremost laser expert. He has an idea for a laser, but has not designed it yet. And how is he an expert if he hasn't designed it?

Sgt. Roberta & Manuel - Two bumbling Cuban soldiers that chase Gold, but can never seem to catch him. When these two are on screen hilarity will ensue.

People in the 1980s loved lasers. They seemed so futuristic that they couldn't pass up the thought of beams of light being used to kill people. God bless the 80s.  Why are there no lasers in this movie anyways? You put the word right in the title, and don't deliver. Well, lets get into it.

And the Story Goes...

We open with somebody putting on gloves, and shooting shotguns. Then we're at an auction where the crowd is gassed, and somebody is shooting a shotgun. I guess this guy just shoots his gun during whatever activity he may be doing at the time. Maybe even washing dishes. The movies doesn't show that, but I'm not ruling it out. The walls are shot up, the worlds largest diamond is stolen, and a man in a gas mask looks into the camera. Who are these masked men? Oh, I'm so drawn into the story now. Nothing could ruin this!

Enter the Gold. Michael Gold is entering Cuba for both "business and pleasure." We all know that Gold means business. He needs to find Prof Braun in an effort to try to persuade him to move to the States and help the U.S. create a weapon of mass destruction before the Russians kidnap him. Oh, too late. Gold is hit with a tranquilizer dart, and Braun is kidnapped. Better luck next time my wisecracking merc who "specialized in recess and girls." Gold is also captured and convicted for being a spy. Luckily all foreign guards are completely inept, and he is able to escape with minimal effort from his low-security prison. The guards are so considerate that when the gun that Gold found runs out of bullets, they quit shooting at him. Latin American hospitality.

Back in Washington Gold is being chastised by his employers for botching the mission. It's cool though, because he informs them that they are only pencil pushers, and have no idea what it's like in the field. I'm glad that I got to hear the most cliche speech in the world, because I, much like the characters that he's speaking to, may have forgotten that he is the one that is risking his life. Coincidentally, it's the same speech that Obama made towards the Republicans when he forced his poorly designed health care package through. It's true...classics never die.

Anyways, Gold is now more determined than ever to find the Professor and the diamond. The fate of the world rests on his slender shoulders. Let the mission begin. He parachutes into a country in Africa(?), where there are Cuban(?) soldiers present. It is here that we are made aware of Gold's awe-inspiring ability to wear disguises. He puts on a Cuban Capitan outfit and a mustache, and fools Sgt Roberta and Manuel into believing that he is their superior. It's important to remember that foreign people do not actually speak their native language ever. Instead, they speak English with their native accent. This makes it much easier for us Americans to infiltrate their militaries. Thanks for your cooperation, the rest of the world.

I think Gold may need a little assistance for this mission. Enter Alissa, stage right. They make a date to discuss the good old Profs. situation. But, not before Gold enters one of the least exciting chases that I've ever seen, as nobody is actually chasing him. Something tells me that this particular chase could have ended up on the cutting room floor, and movie wouldn't suffer for it.

Let's watch the date now. Oh, the sexual tension is high as each makes wisecracks at the other. How will this relationship develop? They can't possibly engage in intimate acts...they can't even stand each other! Uh oh, here comes the comic relief. I feel a chase coming on. Gold and Alissa are able to get away in their VW van, which despite popular opinion is the perfect vehicle to escape any and all situations in. Sgt Roberta and Manuel end up all wet as fall into the river. Manuel is shocked to discover that Sgt Roberta is a girl as her white shirt gets wet revealing her chest! Really? The fact that her name is Roberta didn't tip you off to that?

The chase continues into the desert. Lots of explosions. It's not terrible, but it's strange that the soldiers can't hit the broad side of a barn, but Gold is able to shoot them with pinpoint accuracy while in a moving van. He must have played a lot of first person shooters growing up. Finally a rocket hits their van, but the next cut shows them walking around the desert. They were in the van, but they weren't killed, or at least injured in the explosion? I may have missed something, that seems a little too obvious for the director to ignore.

Kalishnakov decides that maybe some mercenaries are needed to track and bring Gold to him. Eckhardt and his men are more than happy to try. As Gold and Alissa are walking across the desert, each mercenary seems to have his own theme. One guy is into bow and arrows, one likes horseback shooting etc. These men are no better than the common soldiers, and are picked off one by one. One of the mercs informs Gold that Eckhardt and Kalishnakov are after him. It's on now.

Gold and Alissa finally arrive in some town, and decide to stay at a hotel for the afternoon.We get some uncomfortable closeups, then the intimacy begins..and ends abruptly. Kalishnakov has an idea about where our two heroes are staying, and threatens to kill the desk clerk if he doesn't tell him which room they're in. While that's going on, Alissa steals his car, and we get an uneventful chase. She's captured, and forced to call Gold and tell him to meet her at Eckhardt's. He doesn't know it's a trap. He goes, finds the African slave laborers and is captured.

He finally gets to meet Eckhardt and Kalishnakov, and engages in combat with Eckhardt while looking at the trackers trophies. It's stupid that Gold's handcuffs were even taken off. It's not like Eckhardt can fight. He hasn't demonstrated any real ability during the entire movie. They should've had the Prof and Eckhardt duke it out. Now that would be entertainment. And Eckhardt's big move against Gold is to dive at him while they are on a rooftop fight. We know what's going to happen, and it does. Gold is fine, Eckhardt is killed. How formulaic.

So, Col. Kalishnakov is holding Alissa captive, and is throwing diamonds into her cleavage. "Throw the D In the Cleave" was one of my favorite games growing up too. The Russians decided to "close up shop," and are killing all of their laborers. We see Sgt Roberta and Manuel, who are prisoners in this camp now, take out a guard with a shovel and take his gun to escape. Now they're skilled combatants I guess.

Kalishnakov shoots Gold in the stomach as he searches for Alissa. But, before the Col. has a chance to kill him, Alissa has a gun to his head. Which he knocks from her hand and runs off, while holding her hostage. Gold ends up finding Kalishnakov holding a knife to Alissa's throat and using her as a shield. Apparently the good Col. doesn't know that Michael Gold has never missed a shot in his entire life. Gold shoots him, he falls off of a cliff, and we do not have him to deal with anymore.

Nope, Kalishnakov was wearing a bullet proof jack, which apparently makes you invincible. Even the fall didn't hurt him. He is blown up before he does anything. So, it was pretty pointless to even have that scene in the movie. At least we're finished with him though.

You know what we need? A wrap-up. That's where the agents that hired Gold and Alissa show up on the scene where all of the action took place, and tie up some loose ends. Yea, we get it! I'm glad that all of the plot holes were still not really explained. As it turns out, Alissa is not the Professor's daughter, but is in fact another agent. Oh dear. That would explain her ability to shoot and drive in tight situations. Though apparently she skipped the training that dealt with hand to hand combat, and not getting your gun knocked out of your hand.

Oh, wait. What's this? Those two stooges, Roberta and Manuel, are stealing the agents' helicopter. Oh, those two are always into something.

Kalishnakov in his stupid bullet proof jacket.

And, Kalishnakov is still alive! He looks like Freddy Kruger, but he is able to shoot. He has such a chip on his shoulder about Gold foiling his plan, that even with the great amount of pain that he would have to be in, he is still trying to kill Gold. Just die or go to the hospital or something this is getting old. Gold smashes him into a wall with a Jeep. I'm not even going to say he's dead, because this fool has more lives than Jason Voorhees.

Cue the music.

Dumb dialog = yes

Plot holes = yep

Continuity error = do you even have to ask?

Funny and fairly entertaining, I would give this movie 3 out of 5 Tommy Wiseau heads.

Here's a review of a horrible moving company called All Star Moving & Storage located in Secaucus (or Jersey City) new jersey. They were horrible, and I want to tell as many people as I can in an effort ensure that they cannot do what they did to me to more people.

Hawk the Slayer

“This is a story of Heroic Deeds and the bitter struggle for the triumph of Good over Evil and of a wondrous Sword wielded by the mighty Hero when the Legions of Darkness stalk the land.” This unpunctuated mess of a narrated prologue is the opening title card for our movie. We’re in for a winner. Here’s Hawk The Slayer!

Hawk The Slayer was directed by Terry Marcel, who you may remember as the director for such classics as Prisoners of the Lost Universe, and Jane and the Lost City. The art of film direction will forever be indebted to this man. His flawless artistic vision is only complemented by the always subtle acting style of one Jack Palance. This film truly is a classic amongst classics

Who To Know
Hawk – The supposed hero who isn’t likable, isn’t unlikable, and ultimately isn’t really noticeable. Baldin should’ve been the hero. At least he’s clever.
Voltan – The evil brother of Hawk. He looks like the Phantom of the Opera, and wants power.
Ranulf - A supposed warrior that Voltan stabs every time that they come across one another.
Crow – A Spock-like Elf that is great with a bow. He has Elf ears.
Gort – A giant. That’s about it…he’s tall….and he eats.
Baldin – A dwarf that eats…and tricks giants into giving him their food. He has a whip too.

And the story goes...
We open with Voltan threatening his own father for the Key to the Ancient Power. It’s funny seeing Voltan refer to his father as an “old man.” I’d say the guy is probably 5 or 6 years younger than Palance was at this time. It’s like when you have two fat people arguing, and one calls the other fat. There’s no reason for that. Everybody knows that when insulting another person, you must pick something that isn’t true about yourself. I read that in Jet magazine.
 
Long-story-short, Voltan’s brother Hawk, who is about 50 years younger than Voltan, is pounding on the door in an effort to save his father. Dad refuses to give the “last Elvin mindstone” to Voltan, so he stabs his father, and runs. Hawk finally kicks the thin door in, but is too late to catch Voltan. His father gives a sword that has a hand shaped hilt. A glowing rock floats to the hand, the hand comes to life somehow, grabs it, then goes back to being a hilt. Hawk’s ready to slay stuff.
 
After what felt like 20 minutes of opening credits, we see a delirious man, Ranulf, stumbling around. He is taken in by the Sisterhood of the Holy Word, and they are forced to amputate his hand because it’s so badly injured. After he wakes up we discover that “the Devil himself…Voltan” had ransacked his town, killing everybody but him. Convenient. That should add an extra 1.25 hours to the film.
 
Voltan speaks with a wizard for a while about his destiny or something. Then he shows up at the abbey that Ranulf is at to inform the Abbess that he will attack the abbey if they don’t pay him gold. He then throws a knife stabbing Ranulf in the stomach, and cuts a loaf of bread with his sword. Even though Ranulf was just stabbed, he is sent to speak to the head Abbot to find out what he should do. The Abbot says to find Hawk, of course.
 
We cut to a forest to see Hawk save a witch from being burned. Here he does some impressive block-the-arrow-with-your-sword-and-make-it-stick-in-a-tree-fu. We get some Leone-esque close-ups, and the entire time, Hawk does not show any signs of a personality. Hawk has a witch/wizard now too!
 
Meanwhile, Ranulf is still searching for Hawk when he is stopped by forest peasants. He shoots one with a cross bow, then the other one smacks him off of his horse. Seriously, what kind of warrior is this guy? We never see it, but I’m sure the nuns slap him around too. He should stick to farming, or something like that. He’s clearly not cut out for battling. We get a kick-smack music interlude, then Hawk saves Ranulf, while maintaining absolute boringness.
 
Flashback time: Hawk had a fiancé that Voltan believed was his girlfriend before he went to war. That’s the source of all of the animosity.
 

Crow. He's an elf!

Hawk now has to find Crow, Gort, and Baldin in order to fight Voltan. As Hawk discovers, each one is in a real fix, that is until Hawk comes to save the day, because he's our supposed hero. He tells them of the mission, and they each agree to fight. Yay! They return to the Abbey, and have more flashbacks about Voltan killing Hawk’s wife. It turns out Voltan has the Abbess as a hostage now also.
 
Next our heroes come across a disgusting slave trader who spits food on himself when he speaks. An awesome battle scene ensues, and we are invited to bear witness in the choppiest editing that I’ve ever seen. The least they could do is take a couple of different shots of a bow being shot and edit them together. Looping just isn’t doing it.
 
Moving on. Baldin is a trickster when it comes to food. Voltan has a son that he will kill if he holds a knife. And Hawk is still impressively uninteresting.
 
Voltan’s son comes to the Abbey for the gold, but Hawk isn’t feeling it. And, you gotta feel it. So we have another battle scene complete with lots of jump cuts! Voltan’s son is injured in the battle, and Voltan is pist. He kills a soldier that accompanied his son because the sodier survived. That makes sense, I guess.
 
Voltan drops in on the abbey without so much as a phone call, and lets everybody know that they are to give him gold and Hawk, or else the Abbess will be “returned with her innards around her scrowney neck”. Hawk ain’t havin’ it! Crow is out to find Voltan’s hang out, as he runs in slow motion across the land. Luckily in his slow running, he found the blind witch to assist.
 
She shows the group where some of Voltan’s men are camping. We now get to see some of the smokiest fights scenes that have been committed to film! Once finished, Hawk continues to be boring.
 
We get about 5 minutes of the usual. Hawk is worthless, Crow is emotionless, and Gort and Baldin eat. But then a nun drugs some beer and gives it to Gort. No, it’s not “date rape time,” it’s “betray everybody in the convent for your own gain time, and say it’s to help the Abbess time!” This nun allows access to the abbey for Voltan, and is surprised when he betrays and kills her. Holy crap Jack Palance is a ham. Shatner has nothing on this thespian. His speach about killing Hawk's crew brought tears to my eyes.
 
Tied up, our heroes are in great peril. But then, the blind witch enters to shoot silly string on the guard, which is apparently enough to put him and everybody else in the room, besides Hawk's crew, in a coma. Then, the midget dies and we move to a battle with snow and glowing ping-pong balls, and the disco-iest of disco music that I’ve ever heard. I was expecting a biker a sailer and a construction worker to pop on screen. The Indian wouldn’t be there because it’d be too out of place.
 
Hawk and Voltan have their final battler, which is pretty much Voltan swinging his sword wildly while Hawk swats at it. Alas, Voltan is tired, so Hawk moves in for the kill. Voltan’s last words are that he’ll be waiting for Hawk “at the gates of hell.” Holy crap, the dudes even a hard-ass when he’s dieing!
 
When all is said and done, a floating wizard takes Voltan’s body and says that his death will not last because they need him. The blind witch tells Hawk and Gort that some stuffs going down in the south. Looks like it’s time for the sequel, HAWK THE HUNTER!

Bring home the Slayer, in all of his boring glory today!
Hawk the Slayer

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