Friday, September 3, 2010

Laser Mission Review

If you like lasers...and missions, then come on down to Jacky's Thoughts. Because we got em both. Well at least a mission part. Here's Laser Mission.

Who to Know

Michael Gold - Our wisecracking mercenary hero. He can take on an foe, and is always quick with a comeback. He's also a master of disguise.

Alissa - The sassy zoologist and love interest that Michael is paired up with as the movie progresses. Her wit is as large as her chest.

Eckhardt - An arms dealer that is in cahoots with Col. Kalishnakov. He is ruthless, and has mummified human heads as trophies. Just come out of the closet already.

Colonel Kalishnakov - The evil Russian col. that is running a diamond mine on slave labor. He also enjoys the company of women.

Professor Braun - The worlds foremost laser expert. He has an idea for a laser, but has not designed it yet. And how is he an expert if he hasn't designed it?

Sgt. Roberta & Manuel - Two bumbling Cuban soldiers that chase Gold, but can never seem to catch him. When these two are on screen hilarity will ensue.

People in the 1980s loved lasers. They seemed so futuristic that they couldn't pass up the thought of beams of light being used to kill people. God bless the 80s.  Why are there no lasers in this movie anyways? You put the word right in the title, and don't deliver. Well, lets get into it.

And the Story Goes...

We open with somebody putting on gloves, and shooting shotguns. Then we're at an auction where the crowd is gassed, and somebody is shooting a shotgun. I guess this guy just shoots his gun during whatever activity he may be doing at the time. Maybe even washing dishes. The movies doesn't show that, but I'm not ruling it out. The walls are shot up, the worlds largest diamond is stolen, and a man in a gas mask looks into the camera. Who are these masked men? Oh, I'm so drawn into the story now. Nothing could ruin this!

Enter the Gold. Michael Gold is entering Cuba for both "business and pleasure." We all know that Gold means business. He needs to find Prof Braun in an effort to try to persuade him to move to the States and help the U.S. create a weapon of mass destruction before the Russians kidnap him. Oh, too late. Gold is hit with a tranquilizer dart, and Braun is kidnapped. Better luck next time my wisecracking merc who "specialized in recess and girls." Gold is also captured and convicted for being a spy. Luckily all foreign guards are completely inept, and he is able to escape with minimal effort from his low-security prison. The guards are so considerate that when the gun that Gold found runs out of bullets, they quit shooting at him. Latin American hospitality.

Back in Washington Gold is being chastised by his employers for botching the mission. It's cool though, because he informs them that they are only pencil pushers, and have no idea what it's like in the field. I'm glad that I got to hear the most cliche speech in the world, because I, much like the characters that he's speaking to, may have forgotten that he is the one that is risking his life. Coincidentally, it's the same speech that Obama made towards the Republicans when he forced his poorly designed health care package through. It's true...classics never die.

Anyways, Gold is now more determined than ever to find the Professor and the diamond. The fate of the world rests on his slender shoulders. Let the mission begin. He parachutes into a country in Africa(?), where there are Cuban(?) soldiers present. It is here that we are made aware of Gold's awe-inspiring ability to wear disguises. He puts on a Cuban Capitan outfit and a mustache, and fools Sgt Roberta and Manuel into believing that he is their superior. It's important to remember that foreign people do not actually speak their native language ever. Instead, they speak English with their native accent. This makes it much easier for us Americans to infiltrate their militaries. Thanks for your cooperation, the rest of the world.

I think Gold may need a little assistance for this mission. Enter Alissa, stage right. They make a date to discuss the good old Profs. situation. But, not before Gold enters one of the least exciting chases that I've ever seen, as nobody is actually chasing him. Something tells me that this particular chase could have ended up on the cutting room floor, and movie wouldn't suffer for it.

Let's watch the date now. Oh, the sexual tension is high as each makes wisecracks at the other. How will this relationship develop? They can't possibly engage in intimate acts...they can't even stand each other! Uh oh, here comes the comic relief. I feel a chase coming on. Gold and Alissa are able to get away in their VW van, which despite popular opinion is the perfect vehicle to escape any and all situations in. Sgt Roberta and Manuel end up all wet as fall into the river. Manuel is shocked to discover that Sgt Roberta is a girl as her white shirt gets wet revealing her chest! Really? The fact that her name is Roberta didn't tip you off to that?

The chase continues into the desert. Lots of explosions. It's not terrible, but it's strange that the soldiers can't hit the broad side of a barn, but Gold is able to shoot them with pinpoint accuracy while in a moving van. He must have played a lot of first person shooters growing up. Finally a rocket hits their van, but the next cut shows them walking around the desert. They were in the van, but they weren't killed, or at least injured in the explosion? I may have missed something, that seems a little too obvious for the director to ignore.

Kalishnakov decides that maybe some mercenaries are needed to track and bring Gold to him. Eckhardt and his men are more than happy to try. As Gold and Alissa are walking across the desert, each mercenary seems to have his own theme. One guy is into bow and arrows, one likes horseback shooting etc. These men are no better than the common soldiers, and are picked off one by one. One of the mercs informs Gold that Eckhardt and Kalishnakov are after him. It's on now.

Gold and Alissa finally arrive in some town, and decide to stay at a hotel for the afternoon.We get some uncomfortable closeups, then the intimacy begins..and ends abruptly. Kalishnakov has an idea about where our two heroes are staying, and threatens to kill the desk clerk if he doesn't tell him which room they're in. While that's going on, Alissa steals his car, and we get an uneventful chase. She's captured, and forced to call Gold and tell him to meet her at Eckhardt's. He doesn't know it's a trap. He goes, finds the African slave laborers and is captured.

He finally gets to meet Eckhardt and Kalishnakov, and engages in combat with Eckhardt while looking at the trackers trophies. It's stupid that Gold's handcuffs were even taken off. It's not like Eckhardt can fight. He hasn't demonstrated any real ability during the entire movie. They should've had the Prof and Eckhardt duke it out. Now that would be entertainment. And Eckhardt's big move against Gold is to dive at him while they are on a rooftop fight. We know what's going to happen, and it does. Gold is fine, Eckhardt is killed. How formulaic.

So, Col. Kalishnakov is holding Alissa captive, and is throwing diamonds into her cleavage. "Throw the D In the Cleave" was one of my favorite games growing up too. The Russians decided to "close up shop," and are killing all of their laborers. We see Sgt Roberta and Manuel, who are prisoners in this camp now, take out a guard with a shovel and take his gun to escape. Now they're skilled combatants I guess.

Kalishnakov shoots Gold in the stomach as he searches for Alissa. But, before the Col. has a chance to kill him, Alissa has a gun to his head. Which he knocks from her hand and runs off, while holding her hostage. Gold ends up finding Kalishnakov holding a knife to Alissa's throat and using her as a shield. Apparently the good Col. doesn't know that Michael Gold has never missed a shot in his entire life. Gold shoots him, he falls off of a cliff, and we do not have him to deal with anymore.

Nope, Kalishnakov was wearing a bullet proof jack, which apparently makes you invincible. Even the fall didn't hurt him. He is blown up before he does anything. So, it was pretty pointless to even have that scene in the movie. At least we're finished with him though.

You know what we need? A wrap-up. That's where the agents that hired Gold and Alissa show up on the scene where all of the action took place, and tie up some loose ends. Yea, we get it! I'm glad that all of the plot holes were still not really explained. As it turns out, Alissa is not the Professor's daughter, but is in fact another agent. Oh dear. That would explain her ability to shoot and drive in tight situations. Though apparently she skipped the training that dealt with hand to hand combat, and not getting your gun knocked out of your hand.

Oh, wait. What's this? Those two stooges, Roberta and Manuel, are stealing the agents' helicopter. Oh, those two are always into something.

Kalishnakov in his stupid bullet proof jacket.
And, Kalishnakov is still alive! He looks like Freddy Kruger, but he is able to shoot. He has such a chip on his shoulder about Gold foiling his plan, that even with the great amount of pain that he would have to be in, he is still trying to kill Gold. Just die or go to the hospital or something this is getting old. Gold smashes him into a wall with a Jeep. I'm not even going to say he's dead, because this fool has more lives than Jason Voorhees.

Cue the music.

Dumb dialog = yes
Plot holes = yep
Continuity error = do you even have to ask?

Funny and fairly entertaining, I would give this movie 3 out of 5 Tommy Wiseau heads.

Here's a review of a horrible moving company called All Star Moving & Storage located in Secaucus (or Jersey City) new jersey. They were horrible, and I want to tell as many people as I can in an effort ensure that they cannot do what they did to me to more people.

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