The Wizards of the Demon Sword 1991

Most in appropriate cover art ever. Michael
Berryman has a whopping 4 minutes in the movie.

The Wizards of the Demon Sword is another movie that I happened upon on a warm Spring evening whilst perusing Joox for something new to watch. After a quick look over on the always (kind-of) trusty IMDB, I knew it was a definite must see. Directed by Fred Olen Ray!..Oooooh. Produced by Troma Entertainment!...Aaaah. Rated R for nudity and violence!...Yippie ki-yay motherlover.

If you're not familiar with the work of Fred Olen Ray, then you must ask yourself several questions before attempting to watch any of his movies, which range from bad (though in a good way) to awful (in a bad way).

• Question 1: Do you like breasts?
• Question 2: Is thinking during a movie important to you?
• Question 3: Do you view very low production values, and a lack of a plot negatively?

• The answer to Question 1 should be: Yes
• The answer to Question 2 should be: No
• The answer to Question 3 should be: No

If you answered these questions correctly then get ready for some poorly written dialog, extremely sub-par acting, nude women, and claymation dinosaurs that are never on screen with the actors but are still in the movie for some reason!

People to Know

Thane of Hawksridge - The annoying lead character. He claims to be the greatest swordsman ever, and is marginally famous. He has the biggest sword that I've ever seen, and it is only surpassed by his ego. He has a "warrior's cry."

Melina - Daughter of Ulrich the Elder Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. (Geez I'm glad that societies eventually adopted surnames). She's a feminists nightmare in that she's very useless, and pretty much is there for eye candy.

Lord Khoura - The most yuppie looking wizard that I have ever seen. He needs a female virgin (don't we all) to use as a sacrifice to gain ultimate power. He's holding Ulrich the Elder prisoner, and has taken the Blade of Aktar for his sacrificial ceremony.

Damon - Thane of Hawkridge's annoying supporting character. He thinks that he is the best sword fighter in the world, but neither he nor Thane can defeat one another. But who's the best?! The suspence is killing me.

The Seer of Robock - A crazy Ted Kaczynski looking gent. He can shoot lightning from blades, and apparently has a preference for black women.

Selena & Omar - Two of Lor Khoura's henchmen. They are both, no doubt, card carrying member of GLADD.

Ulrich the Elder - Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. He doesn't really have much of a personality.

Gorgon - The best named character in the entire movie...and he knows it.

And the Story Goes...

Geez guys..you gotta want it.

We begin with Melina being chased by three of the laziest pursuers that have ever been filmed. There is a moment where Melina hides under a large rock in an effort to escape her potential captors. The three idiots are standing on the rock, and she is literally 5 feet below them. All they would have to do is jump down, but instead they say "she must have jumped". Oh really? She jumped six whole feet to her imminent death? Jump down and find her jackass!

She is finally captured, but is saved by the always stupid Thane of Hawksridge. He has to be one of the most annoying characters that I've seen. He just talks and talks and talks, and it's always about how great he is. Scemo.

We learn the Melina's father is Ulrich, and that he is being held prisoner by Lord Khoura. As it turns out Ulrich is no ordinary Urich. He's Ulrich the Elder: Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. Holy geez, it's serious now! Why does Lord Khoura need the Blade of Aktar? Why, to obtain "eternal dark power," of course. What an original plot device. He's having problems using the knife, and concludes that he needs "pure new blood", which age doesn't really matter, she just can't have had sex apparently.

Hmm, time for some slave auctions with a man, Lawrence Tierney, who sounds like he's done nothing but smoke premium Turkish tobacco that had been laced with paint thinner for the previous 30 years, solely in preparation for this role. I honestly can't stand the sound of a human voice that is coated in flem and...ah-ha! we get our first booby shot! Impressive. The virgin that he is trying to auction off is taken by Selena without payment. How's he supposed to eat when all of his virgins keep getting taken away? Everybody knows that a virgin is worth 3 times as much as a used wench. Check Kelley Blue Book if you don't believe me!

Thane and Melina go to a brothel to seek The Seer of Robuck(?). I guess it's an appropriate place to look for an oracle. At first the Madam(?) who apparently stands and watches everybody lay around while she smokes a hooka, doesn't seem interested in helping. Eventually she helps, and we learn that the Seer is "north." Oh really? Any particular area north? I mean, the world is pretty big. North covers a pretty large area of Earth.

Next secne: Selena stabs the virgin, and then laughs. That pretty much sums up all that happened there.

Thane and Melina stumble upon the slave trader who gives more vague directions, but somehow they are able to find the Seer. He relates to Melina that she is the key sacrifice to provide eternal dark power, and that Khoura can’t do anything without her. The Seer then Rambles on about how the enlightened ones decided that the knife has to be plunged into that which the Blade Holder cares about most.

Selena then possesses Melina, as she sleeps, by summoning the Spirit of the Never Ending Light, in an effort to try to kill Thane. The two wrestle on the ground as she tries to stab him. Meanwhile The Seer is sound asleep, not more than 6 feet away. Selena’s use of Spiritual transportation angers Khoura, because the powers of darkness must be respected after all. Improper use of the power of darkness is just immoral.

Holy geez Michael Berryman is weird. Gotta love him.

Thane and Melina are back on the road, only to be attacked by highway men while they camp for the evening. Melina is kidnapped so that she can be sold to Khoura, and Thane is tied up and left to die in the desert. Enter the Damon. He cuts Thane free, and they battle to see who is truly the best. It's my belief that they both suck. I’m not even sure that these fight scenes were rehearsed. Anyways, Damon agrees to help Thane because he’s “got nothing to do that afternoon”. Oh, the confidence is plenty.
Khoura tells Ulrich that he knows to use Melina and has plans to sacrifice her. To which Ulrich replies by calling Khoura a “bastard.” Then Thane and Damon storm the castle in the most unexciting way possible. At one point they even laugh that one of the guards is a midget. It's bad when even the characters within the movie question the casting decisions.

Again Thane is captured. What is with this guy? He is always talking about his great fighting skills, but he is captured in every other scene.

Moving on, we see the same scene about 3 times where Khoura threatens to torture Melina in the most painful way imaginable. Honestly, we get it, Khoura. You’re going to torture her. Do it or shut up.

Damon rescues Ulrich and Thane, and they begin to have an another annoying conversation to establish who the alfa male is. There are times that I can’t tell if these two want to go have a beer and watch the game, or to hump each other. Moving on…we have more crappy fight scenes! It is laughable how bad the actors are at trying to fight. Some just stand around waiting for their turn, and they don’t even look interested.

Best scene in the movie.

During the chaos Ulrich frees Melina, but they are spotted by Selena. We think that we might get some girl fight action, but are mistaken when a jerk named Thane comes running in to fight Selena instead. Selena is killed.

Khoura kills Damon (off camera), thank god. This pleases me. Khoura does some wizardly stuff that creates sparks, so everybody runs. Thane and Khoura have one of the most (un)intense fight scenes ever filmed. Thane is able to take the Blade of Aktar from Khoura’s belt, and he stabs him with it. Khoura hams it up for a few while he dies, and the blade is returned to its rightful owner.

Damon is still dead.

Overall

The acting is awful, the dialog is awfuller, and the fight scenes are awfullest. Would I say that it's as unintentionally funny as Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" (which I believe is one of the most unintentionally funny movies ever)? No. But, it is pretty funny. It's worth a watch on a weekend, if there is nothing else to do. Make sure you have the brain cells to kill beforehand though.

There are dinosaurs too. Don't know why, but they're in the movie. And there is no interaction between them and the characters.











Trailer till Wizards of the Demon Sword från rstvideos trailerarkiv.
  

Here is it on DVD. Help feed Mr Olen Ray.  

Wizards of the Demon Sword


Previous: The Devil's Nightmare

The Devil's Nightmare Review: A Tale of Three Hot Chicks

Ah, 1971's The Devil's Nightmare, or La plus longue nuit du diable, or La terrificante notte del demonio, or Vampire Playgirls, or...eh, there are too many titles for this movie for my lazy fingeres to type them all.

Anyways, I discovered this little Belgian/Italian gem on a cool Autumn day when I was searching Joox.net, back when the site was up, for something new to watch. I've never shied away from Italian horror, especially those that were produced in the 1970's, and after a quick lookup on the semi-trusty IMDB, I decided to give it a go.

I read the synopsis, which basically stated that 7 tourists are in need of shelter for a night after they miss their ferry, and the road is blocked denying their tour bus from advancing in a rural area. They are told by an extremely emo-ish looking man in black that is burning sticks that they may be able to stay in the Castle Rhoneberg  for the night. Each tourist represents one of the seven deadly sins. A succubus is in the castle that they are staying in taking each one out according to their sins. Ok, sounds good to me.


So, the movies begins with what appears to be stock footage of WWII, and a title card that says 1945. It's not what I expected, but if I wanted obscenely predictable movies, I'd watch some of the millions of remakes that are put out every year. This is European horror, and if history has taught me anything, it's that 1970's European horror is hardly ever predictable. We get some basic backstory that in the 12th century Sigfried von Rhoneberg made a pact with the devil, and that every first born daughter of each generation would serve him as a succubus. As is turns out the 1945 Baron von Rhoneberg's wife has just had their first baby...a girl. Oh no, the curse continues! So the good Baron does what any repectable father would do, and stabs his baby daughter (on camera no less). Those Germans are all business. (As a little FYI, the Baron rocked his maid who had his daughter, but he is unaware. This daughter would be the first born, and would ultimately be the cursed daughter).  
 
Next scene = opening credits with some P.I.M.P.-ASS music by Italy's own Alessandro Alessandroni! Pictures of castles with Alessandroni's music is the stuff dreams are made. Well, that and boobies, I suppose. We eventually get some of those too, so this film truly has it all!
 
So, next it's 1971, and the Baron who killed his daughter, and doesn't seem to have aged since 1945, is speaking to a reporter about a curse that has been placed on his family, but he doesn't want articles written on the family curse. Hmm, you're cursed, and don't want anybody to know, but you're going to tell a reporter and then tell her that she can't write an article with that information in it? Sounds logical to me! Anyways, she then asks to take pictures of the castle, which again the Baron tells her that she's not allowed. Why did he even have her over? She can't report, can't take pictures. What the hell is she even there for? Being a reporter, and a women (bring it feminists), she ignores his requests and takes pictures anyways. Then a trident looking pole stabs her tire, at which point she runs, and is murdered by a camera. Goodbye unimportant character.

 

Now that that's over with we get to meet our tourists! Lets see, we have a priest- Father Alvin Sorel, an old curmudgeon- Mason, an overweight bus driver- Max Ducha, a jealous wife-Nancy, an aldulterous husband- Howard, a hot blond- Regine, and a hotter brunette- Corrine. So, they end up at Castle von Rhoneberg, and it turns out to be pretty creepy. The usual stuff, doors that open and close by themselves, rain, and a strange staff running the place. It may give them the creeps, but as long as they don't try to take pictures, the camera may spare them.

 

The butler tells them that their rooms are ready because somebody phoned the castle to let them know that the tourists were coming...but who?! As he shows them their rooms we learn that Father Sorel is in fact not a Father, but is in training. He just like to wear the outfit to trick people I guess. We also learn that the mark of the devil is on the floor of the falso preists floor. The butler just kind of gives this piece of information away. The residents of the castle seem adamant about keeping this curse a secret, but at the same time they tell anybody that they come in contact with about it. On to more interesting topics. The two hot characters are both scared, and decide to room together. Oh dear! Two women sharing a room in 1970s Euro-sleaze? Some craziness will ensue.

 

Ah-ha, Baron von Rhoneberg is alchemist. I knew it! We get a view of his impressive 1930s-ish Universal horror lab, complete with boiling beakers and sparks flying. You know, I had a feeling that the Baron maintined his wealth with the help of mysticism. More time than not, European nobility will ensure the continuous growth of their wealth with...whoa lesbianism!

 

Now we move to Howard and Nancy having a lovers quarrle. Nancy believes that Howard is trying to get up in Corrine. You know, all relationships take effort from both parties involved. It is often difficult for one to place absolute trust in another. This lack of trust can cause the jealous partner to see things that in a light that may not be correct, causing much pain to that of their lover who....whao more lesbianism already!

 

Dinner time. The Baron takes time to make small talk with all of his guest before dinner. We get to learn more about each of the characters. For instance, Mason is a prick to virtually everybody that he comes into contact with, Max really likes food, and Corrine is a huge whooo-ore. She claims to collect men, especially married men. Everybody needs a hobby.

 

This is all fun and everything, but something is missing. I don't know what, but it seems like there is an element that isn't present. What could it be? Oh, I know...the succubus!

 

Enter the succubus- Lisa (Erica Blanc). On first appearance Lisa appears to be nothing more than a woman in need of shelter. She enjoys the post dinner festivities with the guests, and gets to know them. Meanwhile Howards is making plans with Corrine to get to know each other a little better behind the staricase to the attic at midnight. I personally couldn't think of a more appropriate place or time, and I would challange you to.

 

We continue on with strange things happening, such as doors that will not open and blood dripping from the ceiling (which turns out to be a cat impaled on spikes). The entire attic is filled with torture devices. Not uncommon for most German households from what I hear. Also, Lisa keeps appearing in the not-priest's room wearing sexually arousing clothing. He eventually has enough, and moves to the library to keep from thinking of the hot ho that keeps appearing on his bed. Uh-oh, here she comes to the library. The seduction continues, though the quasi-priest stays strong, and does not succumb to Lisa's tactics. You're safe for now Senore Falso.

 

But guess who isn't safe. The man who likes to eat. Lisa shows her true colors starting with this poor sap. Oh, what's that? You like to eat? And eat you shall. Seriously, watching this man eat is one of the most difficult things that I've ever had to watch. And that includes the abortion video that I was forced to bear witness to in my health class in High School.

 

Next is Nancy. She loves-a the gold. Don't worry Nancy, Lisa will help you find the Baron's gold. In all seriousness, Old Jack Plissken has always considered himself a greedy fellow, I'd bang a goat in front of a group of Japanese business men for $5, but this stronza makes me look like the most ethical and generous mofo on the planet. She is pissed at her husband for trying to bang Corrine, but is cool with it if she can find the Baron's gold and steal it. You get what you deserve "Nancy the Greedy."

 

Poor Howard and Corrine. Howard is stuck in a loveless marriage, while possessing and insatiable appetite for vagina. Corrine is a whoo-ore. With todays slutty standards, I'm sure that most of us know people like these anways, but this is the 1970s kids. (I don't know what that's supposed to mean). 

 

Moving on. (about) Time for Mr. Mason. I hate this character. He reminds me of a boss I once had. Dude was a prick everybody, but for some reason the company wouldn't fire him. I mean seriously, if a person is having conflicts with everybody within an organization, then it is the responsibility of the company to intervene. I mean you can't just allow this to continue! It isn't fair that everybody else has to succumb to this bastard, and nothing is done! I mean what the fu...I'm sorry, I'm still a little passionate about that subject.

 

So, it's time for the sloth AKA Regine. I'm sorry everybody, but this one hits a little close to home. She likes to sleep. Is that a reason to kill her? That's just mean.

Not-Father Alvin time! Lisa can't take Alvin, so Skinny Devil has to make another appearance. Honestly, he's not a very impressive devil. He looks more like a pedo than a devil, but I have a feeling the producers didn't have the cash to find somebody more devilish. Sean Connery must have asked for too much.

Finally! The showdown between almost good and kind of evil! Time to bargin with the devil. Wouldn't somebody who is training as a priest know that the devil is a trickster that will not live up to end of the deal? I mean, the Prete Falso even mentions that he will go on to save many souls, and thus rob the devil of them. So, wouldn't that make more sense from an efficiency stand point? Jack Plissken understands that these were people that the man had developed a quasi relationship with, but what about all of the others? I don't know, I just seems kind of strange to make a weird deal like that.

 
All in all this is a good movie, with a great soundtrack. If you haven't seen it, but like 1970s European horror and exploitation, then you will probably find something enjoyable with this movie. Erika Blanc is great. Alessandro Alessandroni delivers. And I would recommend this to fans of atmospheric horror.   

Wow! The Devil's Nightmare and Messiah of Evil on 1 two feature set?! That 100% deal.

Previous: Lionheart