Thankskilling Review

 And the Story Goes...
A turkey is resurrected for the sole purpose of exacting revenge on the descendants, who happen to be college kids, of the European settlers who massacred the Natives and took their land. The youngsters must solve the mystery of the turkey's source of power, and how it can be destroyed.

Hero of the Cherokee nation

My Thoughts
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year for most of us living in the States because it's an extended weekend that we can spend with our friends and/or family, and indulge in preparing/eating way too much food while (presenting ourselves as) being thankful for all that we have. That is unless you happen to be a native of these lands, in which case the celebration is usually exchanged for the cursing of things like buoyancy, speakers of Indo-European languages, and opportunistic greed.

Director Jordan Downey must have been privy to the feelings of the Native Americans, and he decided to create an artistic apology for the atrocities that happened. Thus we have Thankskilling!

As with all things, such as hearing that free trade is good for middle class America, and the claim that forcing everybody the purchase health insurance will somehow reduce the cost of health care, a sense of humor needs to be maintained while indulging in the experience that is Thankskilling. Reason, logic, and all around good sense have no place for members of this audience, dagnabbit! Just sit back, and enjoy that which has been carefully crafted for your pleasure.

Turkey in disguise

To answer the question that is inevitably on your minds, yes there are boobs.  But not just any jugs...Pilgrim jugs! It is important to keep in mind that the scene involving said mammary(s) is shot as artistically as possible as an aging adult actress flees from a plastic evil turkey. Indeed, Downey brings to mind a young Stanley Kubrick as each frame passes before my yearning eyes. Well, maybe not Kubrick, but he at least brings to mind a young Nick Zedd...during his golden era, of course.

Hannibal did it first, but Turkey makes it look good

If I'm being honest, and I always strive to be honest, the characters actually work because they are so stereotypical. It becomes obvious after 3.41 minutes that Downey intentionally created the most unoriginal characters since Trevor Moorehouse, with the sole intention of being pseudo original. Well Mr. Downey, in the words of the immortal Tupac, I Ain't Mad at Cha. I've been making the claim that what the film industry needs is more stereotypical characters for years. It appears that somebody was listening.

Folks, it's time be serious for a moment. One aspect of Thankskilling that seems to be forever ignored is the social commentary in the film. As the characters make the "joke" that Ali's legs are harder to close than the JonBonet Ramsey case, it is as if Jordan Downey is saying "hey, murder cases should never be unsolved. Cases such as JonBonet's should not be left open like Ali's legs." Make no mistake, it takes courage to come out and proclaim such a bold statement. Godspeed Jordan Downey, godspeed.

Now I know what you're asking, "but Jack®, is Thankskilling a film crafted with the passion of Tennessee Williams?" Well, in a word, absolutely. Downey possesses a gift that could only be rivaled by Shakespeare, Dickens, Sun Tzu, or Seuss. I'll let you in a little secret, I achieve a literary/cinematic erection when I hear such heartfelt lines as "you just got stuffed" being uttered by a plastic turkey as he satisfies a young women. Only true genius could create such beautiful prose.

Ali gets stuffing between her thighs

And so, the beauty of film can be appreciated by even the most novice of viewers. Indeed, Thankskilling may appear to be yet another no-budget shot-on-video pile of drudge, but underneath it all, this is a film about youth, maturity, sexuality, and self-improvement. Well...maybe it's not about any of those things, but it is about a killer turkey whose presence transcends the cheap video that it was shot on. And that's the stuff that dreams are made of.

Conclusion
Now the question of the giorno, should you see Thankskilling? Only if you have a sense of humor, and like your movies to be extra stupid. This is definitely not a film for everybody, and I'm sure that many would disagree with my appreciation for it. But, if you like the movies that I review on this blog, then I would imagine that you would like this.

Just sit back, relax, and enjoy Thanksgiving 2.0. This is 70 minutes of culture that you can't find anywhere else. Celebrate the givin'.

2.5/5

Virus or Zombie Creeping Flesh or Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

The Story Goes...

A contaminated rat at a nuclear facility type building bites and turns the staff into zombies, which ultimately spreads across the entire country of New Guinea. It is up to a journalist and some commandos to destroy the zombies, and prevent the zombie virus from infecting the world's population. 

My Thoughts...

There are three things that Italians are most known for throughout the world:

1. Changing the shape of pasta and pretending that it somehow has different flavors in spite of the fact that every shape contains the exact same ingredients.

2. Drinking coffee from tiny glasses whilst discussing various illegal activities, and opera.

3. And, of course, specializing in exploitation films from the 1960s throughout the 70s and early 1980s. With a minor in zombie films.*

Bruno Mattei specialized in two of these three concepts (I'll let you decide which two), and today we will discuss his zombie classic Virus...or Zombie Creeping Flesh...or Hell of the Living Dead. Distributors could not seem to decide what to name this gem, so it is up to old Jack to decide once and for all. And, I choose Zombie Creeping Flesh just because there is another movie titled Virus, and if I have to say "of the living dead" one more time I'm going to flip.

Zantoro has more hatred for zombies than Tallahassee¹

 Should you do a little research into the life and times of Bruno Mattei, you will see that his mastery ranged from zombie films like Zombie Creeping Flesh, to nunsploitation in Guardian of Hell, to rats in Rats - Notte di Terrore (Night of Terror), and of course sharks in the no-way-affiliated-with-the-original sequel to Jaws; Cruel Jaws. 


IIndeed, Signor Mattei was to exploitation flicks what my morbidly obese drug dealer neighbor is cheeseburgers...a master. Assisting Mattei in this epic piece is none other than the legendary Claudio Fragasso, who you no doubt remember as the director/writer of the life changing experience known as Troll II, taking on the credit of writer. Zombies and Mattei and Fragasso, oh my! This has no choice but to be a nut busting experience for those fans of early 80s Euro-schlock.
Much like many of his contemporary Italian exploitation directors of era such as Lucio Fulci, Mattei's films have a dreamlike quality that I have trouble finding the words to describe. Jack find words hard! Anyways, I suppose that surreal would be an acceptable term, but it seems to be with the film itself, and not the just the subject material. It's like there is always a light haze that covers the scene. It really does seem to set the mood for viral zombie flicks. Good job fellows.

Few people are aware of the Mussolini edict that declared that zombie
exploitation films must contain no less than 1 severed arm per 120 minutes.
Quota filled

For fans of the soundtrack of George Romero's Dawn of the Dead, you will probably love the soundtrack for Zombie Creeping Flesh...if for no other reason than the fact that Mattei stole it directly from Dawn (oh those wily Italians). The music was produced by Goblin, who you may also remember as the band who composed the music for the Dario Argento classic Suspiria. Even if Mattei used the music illegally, it fits the tone of the film, and I enjoyed it. For some reason the formulaic mix of zombies and progressive rock make me all warm and tingly on the inside. A condition that only Mrs. Plissken can alleviate (wink).

 On a side note, I'd like to point out that Bruno was stealing music before stealing music was cool. There was no Napster, iTunes or Limewire in his day. He had to work to steal his music, and he loved it! The man truly was a trailblazer.

Boy zombie

 We are given a real treat with the voice acting, as it compliments the inappropriate overacting that only vintage Italian actors could provide, rather well. After all, questionable delivery decisions on the part of the actor combined with the often lethargic dubbings of the voice actors are truly a large part of what makes these films fun to watch. Geez, I love passion mixed with boredom.

 Now, I know what you're thinking: "Mr. Inimitable®, this is all fine and good, but are there boobs?" Of course there are! You see, the journalist knows that she must work with the natives in order to learn more about the zombies. But, in order for them to trust her, she will need to take off her shirt and wear war paint. I realize that this is the standard method of gaining trust in most cultures today, and it should go without saying, but I'm here to educate those who may not know. You're welcome.

One of the greatest diplomatic figures of our generation

Yes, the rumors are true. Stock footage is used in Zombie Creeping Flesh, and honestly I would expect no less. If you need to make  a 90 minute film, but only have enough resources to make a 60 minute film, then shortcuts have to be made, son. When you're working with a shoestring budget, you gots to do what needs to be done, cracka. That's called keepin' it real.

Some stock footage from Hell of the Living Dead

Conclusion
If you're a fan of classic zombie movies from the late 70s and early 80s, then Zombie Creeping Flesh is a must see. It's cheesy, hokey, and far from art, but it's an eye popping good time. The pacing is great, and you shouldn't get bored. Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso are a great team, and the two know their audience, and provide loads of entertainment for those individuals.

And yes, the story was influenced by previous entries in the genre, but it doesn't take away from the fun. I'm sure that Mattei would admit that he was influenced by his zombie predecessors, and may even have been proud that you took the time to notice.

The typical reaction to seeing a Bruno Mattei film

Generally I would say that this is a great starting point if you would like to see some of Mattei's work. It gives you a taste of Bruno before jumping into the Emmanuels, the nunsploitation, and the Nazisploitation. If you dislike cheapness, then look elsewhere. But, if you want a fun zombie flick from a legendary director, then check this one out.

 3/5














*The previous illustration is not intended to offend normal Italian citizens in any manner, and is clearly provided for entertainment purposes. Please keep in mind that this disclaimer is considered void and unnecessary for the Jersey Shore type losers. 
¹Tallahassee is a reference to the zombie hating lunatic in Zombieland. If you haven't seen it, then you should probably reevaluate your priorities.

Chrome and Hot Leather Review: Featuring the Nerdiest Green Berets This Side of the Mississip

Not to be mucked with. 

If you're down with bikersploitation, then boy I have a treat for you today. Of course I'm talking about Lee Frost's 1971s Chrome and Hot Leather! Maybe it's not a perfect movie, but it does have chrome in it, and I think one of the guys in the gang wears a leather coat (most of them wear denim)!

Let's take a look at some of the least biker-ish bikers ever filmed, and how Chrome and Hot Leather contributed to cinema, and ultimately changed the bikersploitation genre.

What's makes this movie different?
Marvin Gaye is in this bad boy! His weapon of choice? The voice of an angel.

Anyways, People To Know

Mitch - A Green Beret whose fiancée was (accidentally) murdered by a (not really) vicious biker gang. He needs revenge, and he needs it now. This guy is so straight laced that Joe Friday would tell him to loosen up.

This magic moment
when I was menacing you
will last forever
forever, 'til the end of time

Jim - Mitch's friend. He's not afraid to ask the question "What's going on?"

T.J. - A large armed biker who often makes statements that don't seem to be true. He'll say things such as "we don't want trouble," or "I'm happy to see you," but you can't help but think that he in fact does want trouble, and is not happy to see you. Also, he does not like noise in the room when he's "menacing someone."

Casey - T.J.'s fellow biker. He smashes Mitch's fiancées windshield with a chain as she's driving down the road. She ultimately drives off of a cliff in true 1970s fashion, and he claims it was an accident. That's just dumb.

Mike - He's controls munitians, and in no way follows protocol.

We're playing G.I.s and Vietcong(s) again? Aw, but I
was the Vietcong last time. 

And the Story Goes...

We begin with Mitch, Jim, and the gang watching some army guys playing the Vietnam equivalent of "Cowboys and Indians." After comparing notes and determining that they probably wouldn't win the Vietnam war, they vow to be hypocritical, and to force their children to endure the same type of situation in the Middle East based on greed, preferably during the the 00s. For the younger readers out there, it is not uncommon for baby boomers to be completely self-centered and greedy. Often you will find them exploit even friends and family to get ahead.

Anyways, we move back to the States to see Mitch's fiancée and her friend being harassed by a biker gang as they are driving down the road. The two try to escape by turning down a road, but "Casey the obsessive biker" decides he will not be rejected by the young beauties, and turns back to run them off of the road, thus killing them.

Look kids, a 1970s "driving off a cliff" shot. This is when
movies were fun. Real cars, real cliffs, real hookers promised
a shot a fame. Ah, times have changed.

Mitch gets word that his fiance has been killed by the vicious biker gang, and comes back to the States with his beret buddies. It's time to track down some outlaws, and to judo-chop some heads.

So, what's the best way to track down and infiltrate a gang of Harley riding outlaws? Buy Kawasakis, and Village People costumes, of course. And it sort of works! Based on their research, Estonian scientist have concluded that bikers can smell a cop a mile away, except when they ride a Kawasaki and dressed as a construction worker.

Eventually Mitch is discovered to be in the army by the gang, and is beat by "large-armed T.J." His Beret buddies are able to track him down, and he is ultimately rescued.

Mitch and his boys somehow are able to get weapons from one of their army buddies who just gives them a ton of stuff. I don't mean a handgun, or a riffle. We're talking dynamite, smoke grenades, mini-rockets and a bunch of other explosives. You'd think that they were invading Canada with the way that they're loading up on bombs.

We enter the final confrontation. Amazingly, there are no deaths in the battle, in spite of the fact that the Berets blow up entire mountains. The Green Berets, through strategy and ingenuity, are able to defeat the bikers and take them to wherever they plan on taking them. Roll credits

Overall

That's Marvin folks. 

Eh, there's nothing special. It's not even "so bad it's funny." It's just kind of boring. The only funny parts are from William Smith (T.J.), who actually is pretty good in this. Marvin Gaye is cool too, but everybody else is just kind of there.

In spite of the images that the title would make you think about, there aren't any steamy scenes. I would expect some of that in a bikersploitation movie. It was the 70s for crying out loud. Streaking was all the rage.

The bikers themselves are just kind of lame, and the Berets are lamer. The bikers are impressively not intimidating in the least. They seem like after school special bikers, instead of down and dirty hardcore bikers. They make renegade look masculine.

I don't really recommend Chrome and Hot Leather unless you're a hardcore __sploitation fan. Or you want to see William Smith or Marvin Gaye handling their business.

Things I learned   

• When a woman says she wants to talk, talk, and talk some more, she doesn't really mean that she wants to talk.
• Bikers fight like the villains in the Adams West Batman series.
• Marvin Gaye should've been in more movies. 
• Bikers don't actually want to hurt people, they just like to sass back. 
• Draft dodgers love to play pinball. 

Previous: Encino Man Review

All Souls Day Review: A Testamete to the Horror Movies of the 00s

All Souls Day. The zombie genre
is reborn. Or not. 

Few can speak of the most influential horror movies of the 00s, and not mention All Souls Day. Ok, maybe that isn't completely true, but the gospel according to Jack specifically states "All Souls Day isn't the worst-eth movie produc-ed by man." So, there you have it.

Alright, I'll go into more detail. Director Jeremy Kasten, who you may know as the director of the remake of The Wizard of Gore, was given a fairly standard script, and he ultimately pushed out a fairly standard zombie movie. What's the difference with this one? The zombies are Mexican, of course!

People To Know

Alicia - The only person who speaks Spanish in the whole movie, in spite of the fact that it takes place entirely in Mexico. She has an incurable condition known as "the creeps."

Joss - Don't even ask. I've never hated a completely underdeveloped character the way that I hate this guy. You know that kid that warms the bench, but still thinks he's the stuff and acts like an ass because he's technically on the team? That's Joss.

Erica - Cheerleader bimbo. She's rich. We know that because it's mentioned about 7,291 times. I don't want to be mean, but I think that this actress may want to learn how to type. Acting doesn't seem to be her thing.

Tyler - A fairly unconvincing premed student that has to take care of things once Joss is injured. His other choice for a major was pre-law. This leads me to believe that he isn't really interested in becoming a doctor, but he instead just doesn't want to finish school. Why go for 4 years of nonstop drinking when you can go for 6 years of nonstop drinking?

Martia - Enigmatic inn keeper. This Laura Harring  from Mulholland Dr! How is this possible?! Maybe David Lynch was originally signed on to direct this?

Vargas Diaz - The villain, played by Danny Trejo. He's so important that he gets a surname. He's known for laying in bed and beating it while his subject is standing in the room with him. He hasn't perfected his stalking techniques, I guess.

And the Story Goes...

There is a prologue in the beginning, that really isn't important, about the White family who stops in this backwards little Mexican town while on vacation, and it ends with a bunch of screaming. The family is eliminated with the exception of the little crip boy for some reason.

Now the real story begins! We catch our first glimpse of our main characters, an interracial couple, a Mexican girl and a white American guy, who are going to visit her family on what happens be Dia De Los Muertos...The Day of the Dead! Oh Kasten, you're always pushing the envelope.

As they drive, they discuss important issues such as Mexican street name diversity, and the struggle that all interracial couples face.

You know, we're all alone out here in this desert. Your
emotions are probably running wild, and you know that you
don't really have a choice....because of the implication.

Throughout these dialogs we learn that Alicia is a sassy-streetwise Latina, who's always quick with a comeback. Oh, wait...that's a character that would've been fun to watch. Our Alicia is not really boring, but not somebody that you would want to watch for an 1.5 hours...aside from her physical appearance. She's just kind of there.

Joss is annoying. I know that in my review of The Wizards of the Demon Sword review I said that Damon is extremely annoying, but Joss blows that idiot out of the water. I don't even want to think about it.

Anyways, Joss is being his tarded self and is paying more attention to trying to make his "girlfriend" laugh than driving. Because of his constant search for attention and approval, he ends up driving into a funeral progression. The people in the progression want to not die, and end up dropping the casket into the street while jumping out of the way of the car. A living girl, whose tongue has been cut off, falls out, and a shifty eyed cop takes her to the station to help her. Meanwhile our favorite couple is stranded in this Mexican equivalent to a hick town until their car can be fixed. They seek shelter in the only inn in town, where they meet the enigmatic Martia.

Hi, I'm Laura Harring. My career started off good enough, but
 for some strange reason it plummeted, and now I'm forced to
act in low budget films like All Souls Day.
 How can I hep you today?

 As they find their way around the inn, strange things begin to happen. It's your standard low budge scare tactics such as little boys in the mirror's reflection, screaming, and bones in bread.

In spite of all that's happened, Jack-off-Joss decides that he is bored, and the best thing to do is call his friends Tyler and Erica to join them in Mexi-hell. They inevitably come, just in time for All Souls Day. It's a good thing that they do come because where else are we going to get our exposition?! I'm being serious, almost all the attempts at character development in this movie take place in this one scene where they arrive.

Oh, there's also a series of not-really-necessary flashbacks that let us know that Vargas Diaz was a bad man who destroyed all of the villagers of the small town for some reason decades ago. Trejo is Trejo, so I'm not going to be too judgmental of these scenes. I've always had a deep admiration for former-childhood-drug-addicts-turned-actors.

Back to the main story. It turns out that the tongueless girl was meant to be a sacrifice to appease some zombies that are cursed. Without her, the zombies will rise and kill everybody that lives in the town. Tongueless girl dies, and Alicia is taken as her replacement, but Joss saves her before the ceremony is finished. So, the zombies rise. Even when Joss tries to do good, he is annoying, and he screws things up.

The gang eventually gets trapped in the inn with a ton zombies roaming the streets. It's here that Erica displays her supernatural jumping/flying abilities that she learned in cheerleader camp(?). Luckily for us Joss is injured because a zombie thinks his leg "is a Bigmac." There is still hope for this movie!

Can the gang get out alive? Can they discover the secret of the zombies, and how to stop them? I don't want to give away too much, but just know that my dreams were shattered when a certain character does survive.

And for the record, I'm not really leaving too much out of the story here. This is pretty much it. There are a couple of scenes where the kids argue about Joss' possible transformation, and Erica's richness. But, it doesn't go much deeper than that.

Overall

What do you like to eat again?

The acting is somewhat uneven. Some were pretty decent, but some were not even almost good. I was really impressed at how well David Keith was able to deliver his monologue about how much he enjoys eating cats. I found it a little strange because we don't usually eat cats in Ameri....wait...what? He wasn't talking about cats?! 


Poor Laura Harring. That's all I got to say about that. 


Do I recommend? Sure. A dirty little secret that I like to keep is that I've seen this thing more than 10 times. It makes great background noise when you're trying to type up resumes, write blog posts, ignore your family, or find a job! 


It's stupid, but honestly what zombie movies aren't these days.   

Laser Mission Review

If you like lasers...and missions, then come on down to Jacky's Thoughts. Because we got em both. Well at least a mission part. Here's Laser Mission.

Who to Know

Michael Gold - Our wisecracking mercenary hero. He can take on an foe, and is always quick with a comeback. He's also a master of disguise.

Alissa - The sassy zoologist and love interest that Michael is paired up with as the movie progresses. Her wit is as large as her chest.

Eckhardt - An arms dealer that is in cahoots with Col. Kalishnakov. He is ruthless, and has mummified human heads as trophies. Just come out of the closet already.

Colonel Kalishnakov - The evil Russian col. that is running a diamond mine on slave labor. He also enjoys the company of women.

Professor Braun - The worlds foremost laser expert. He has an idea for a laser, but has not designed it yet. And how is he an expert if he hasn't designed it?

Sgt. Roberta & Manuel - Two bumbling Cuban soldiers that chase Gold, but can never seem to catch him. When these two are on screen hilarity will ensue.

People in the 1980s loved lasers. They seemed so futuristic that they couldn't pass up the thought of beams of light being used to kill people. God bless the 80s.  Why are there no lasers in this movie anyways? You put the word right in the title, and don't deliver. Well, lets get into it.

And the Story Goes...

We open with somebody putting on gloves, and shooting shotguns. Then we're at an auction where the crowd is gassed, and somebody is shooting a shotgun. I guess this guy just shoots his gun during whatever activity he may be doing at the time. Maybe even washing dishes. The movies doesn't show that, but I'm not ruling it out. The walls are shot up, the worlds largest diamond is stolen, and a man in a gas mask looks into the camera. Who are these masked men? Oh, I'm so drawn into the story now. Nothing could ruin this!

Enter the Gold. Michael Gold is entering Cuba for both "business and pleasure." We all know that Gold means business. He needs to find Prof Braun in an effort to try to persuade him to move to the States and help the U.S. create a weapon of mass destruction before the Russians kidnap him. Oh, too late. Gold is hit with a tranquilizer dart, and Braun is kidnapped. Better luck next time my wisecracking merc who "specialized in recess and girls." Gold is also captured and convicted for being a spy. Luckily all foreign guards are completely inept, and he is able to escape with minimal effort from his low-security prison. The guards are so considerate that when the gun that Gold found runs out of bullets, they quit shooting at him. Latin American hospitality.

Back in Washington Gold is being chastised by his employers for botching the mission. It's cool though, because he informs them that they are only pencil pushers, and have no idea what it's like in the field. I'm glad that I got to hear the most cliche speech in the world, because I, much like the characters that he's speaking to, may have forgotten that he is the one that is risking his life. Coincidentally, it's the same speech that Obama made towards the Republicans when he forced his poorly designed health care package through. It's true...classics never die.

Anyways, Gold is now more determined than ever to find the Professor and the diamond. The fate of the world rests on his slender shoulders. Let the mission begin. He parachutes into a country in Africa(?), where there are Cuban(?) soldiers present. It is here that we are made aware of Gold's awe-inspiring ability to wear disguises. He puts on a Cuban Capitan outfit and a mustache, and fools Sgt Roberta and Manuel into believing that he is their superior. It's important to remember that foreign people do not actually speak their native language ever. Instead, they speak English with their native accent. This makes it much easier for us Americans to infiltrate their militaries. Thanks for your cooperation, the rest of the world.

I think Gold may need a little assistance for this mission. Enter Alissa, stage right. They make a date to discuss the good old Profs. situation. But, not before Gold enters one of the least exciting chases that I've ever seen, as nobody is actually chasing him. Something tells me that this particular chase could have ended up on the cutting room floor, and movie wouldn't suffer for it.

Let's watch the date now. Oh, the sexual tension is high as each makes wisecracks at the other. How will this relationship develop? They can't possibly engage in intimate acts...they can't even stand each other! Uh oh, here comes the comic relief. I feel a chase coming on. Gold and Alissa are able to get away in their VW van, which despite popular opinion is the perfect vehicle to escape any and all situations in. Sgt Roberta and Manuel end up all wet as fall into the river. Manuel is shocked to discover that Sgt Roberta is a girl as her white shirt gets wet revealing her chest! Really? The fact that her name is Roberta didn't tip you off to that?

The chase continues into the desert. Lots of explosions. It's not terrible, but it's strange that the soldiers can't hit the broad side of a barn, but Gold is able to shoot them with pinpoint accuracy while in a moving van. He must have played a lot of first person shooters growing up. Finally a rocket hits their van, but the next cut shows them walking around the desert. They were in the van, but they weren't killed, or at least injured in the explosion? I may have missed something, that seems a little too obvious for the director to ignore.

Kalishnakov decides that maybe some mercenaries are needed to track and bring Gold to him. Eckhardt and his men are more than happy to try. As Gold and Alissa are walking across the desert, each mercenary seems to have his own theme. One guy is into bow and arrows, one likes horseback shooting etc. These men are no better than the common soldiers, and are picked off one by one. One of the mercs informs Gold that Eckhardt and Kalishnakov are after him. It's on now.

Gold and Alissa finally arrive in some town, and decide to stay at a hotel for the afternoon.We get some uncomfortable closeups, then the intimacy begins..and ends abruptly. Kalishnakov has an idea about where our two heroes are staying, and threatens to kill the desk clerk if he doesn't tell him which room they're in. While that's going on, Alissa steals his car, and we get an uneventful chase. She's captured, and forced to call Gold and tell him to meet her at Eckhardt's. He doesn't know it's a trap. He goes, finds the African slave laborers and is captured.

He finally gets to meet Eckhardt and Kalishnakov, and engages in combat with Eckhardt while looking at the trackers trophies. It's stupid that Gold's handcuffs were even taken off. It's not like Eckhardt can fight. He hasn't demonstrated any real ability during the entire movie. They should've had the Prof and Eckhardt duke it out. Now that would be entertainment. And Eckhardt's big move against Gold is to dive at him while they are on a rooftop fight. We know what's going to happen, and it does. Gold is fine, Eckhardt is killed. How formulaic.

So, Col. Kalishnakov is holding Alissa captive, and is throwing diamonds into her cleavage. "Throw the D In the Cleave" was one of my favorite games growing up too. The Russians decided to "close up shop," and are killing all of their laborers. We see Sgt Roberta and Manuel, who are prisoners in this camp now, take out a guard with a shovel and take his gun to escape. Now they're skilled combatants I guess.

Kalishnakov shoots Gold in the stomach as he searches for Alissa. But, before the Col. has a chance to kill him, Alissa has a gun to his head. Which he knocks from her hand and runs off, while holding her hostage. Gold ends up finding Kalishnakov holding a knife to Alissa's throat and using her as a shield. Apparently the good Col. doesn't know that Michael Gold has never missed a shot in his entire life. Gold shoots him, he falls off of a cliff, and we do not have him to deal with anymore.

Nope, Kalishnakov was wearing a bullet proof jack, which apparently makes you invincible. Even the fall didn't hurt him. He is blown up before he does anything. So, it was pretty pointless to even have that scene in the movie. At least we're finished with him though.

You know what we need? A wrap-up. That's where the agents that hired Gold and Alissa show up on the scene where all of the action took place, and tie up some loose ends. Yea, we get it! I'm glad that all of the plot holes were still not really explained. As it turns out, Alissa is not the Professor's daughter, but is in fact another agent. Oh dear. That would explain her ability to shoot and drive in tight situations. Though apparently she skipped the training that dealt with hand to hand combat, and not getting your gun knocked out of your hand.

Oh, wait. What's this? Those two stooges, Roberta and Manuel, are stealing the agents' helicopter. Oh, those two are always into something.

Kalishnakov in his stupid bullet proof jacket.

And, Kalishnakov is still alive! He looks like Freddy Kruger, but he is able to shoot. He has such a chip on his shoulder about Gold foiling his plan, that even with the great amount of pain that he would have to be in, he is still trying to kill Gold. Just die or go to the hospital or something this is getting old. Gold smashes him into a wall with a Jeep. I'm not even going to say he's dead, because this fool has more lives than Jason Voorhees.

Cue the music.

Dumb dialog = yes

Plot holes = yep

Continuity error = do you even have to ask?

Funny and fairly entertaining, I would give this movie 3 out of 5 Tommy Wiseau heads.

Here's a review of a horrible moving company called All Star Moving & Storage located in Secaucus (or Jersey City) new jersey. They were horrible, and I want to tell as many people as I can in an effort ensure that they cannot do what they did to me to more people.

Hawk the Slayer

“This is a story of Heroic Deeds and the bitter struggle for the triumph of Good over Evil and of a wondrous Sword wielded by the mighty Hero when the Legions of Darkness stalk the land.” This unpunctuated mess of a narrated prologue is the opening title card for our movie. We’re in for a winner. Here’s Hawk The Slayer!

Hawk The Slayer was directed by Terry Marcel, who you may remember as the director for such classics as Prisoners of the Lost Universe, and Jane and the Lost City. The art of film direction will forever be indebted to this man. His flawless artistic vision is only complemented by the always subtle acting style of one Jack Palance. This film truly is a classic amongst classics

Who To Know
Hawk – The supposed hero who isn’t likable, isn’t unlikable, and ultimately isn’t really noticeable. Baldin should’ve been the hero. At least he’s clever.
Voltan – The evil brother of Hawk. He looks like the Phantom of the Opera, and wants power.
Ranulf - A supposed warrior that Voltan stabs every time that they come across one another.
Crow – A Spock-like Elf that is great with a bow. He has Elf ears.
Gort – A giant. That’s about it…he’s tall….and he eats.
Baldin – A dwarf that eats…and tricks giants into giving him their food. He has a whip too.

And the story goes...
We open with Voltan threatening his own father for the Key to the Ancient Power. It’s funny seeing Voltan refer to his father as an “old man.” I’d say the guy is probably 5 or 6 years younger than Palance was at this time. It’s like when you have two fat people arguing, and one calls the other fat. There’s no reason for that. Everybody knows that when insulting another person, you must pick something that isn’t true about yourself. I read that in Jet magazine.
 
Long-story-short, Voltan’s brother Hawk, who is about 50 years younger than Voltan, is pounding on the door in an effort to save his father. Dad refuses to give the “last Elvin mindstone” to Voltan, so he stabs his father, and runs. Hawk finally kicks the thin door in, but is too late to catch Voltan. His father gives a sword that has a hand shaped hilt. A glowing rock floats to the hand, the hand comes to life somehow, grabs it, then goes back to being a hilt. Hawk’s ready to slay stuff.
 
After what felt like 20 minutes of opening credits, we see a delirious man, Ranulf, stumbling around. He is taken in by the Sisterhood of the Holy Word, and they are forced to amputate his hand because it’s so badly injured. After he wakes up we discover that “the Devil himself…Voltan” had ransacked his town, killing everybody but him. Convenient. That should add an extra 1.25 hours to the film.
 
Voltan speaks with a wizard for a while about his destiny or something. Then he shows up at the abbey that Ranulf is at to inform the Abbess that he will attack the abbey if they don’t pay him gold. He then throws a knife stabbing Ranulf in the stomach, and cuts a loaf of bread with his sword. Even though Ranulf was just stabbed, he is sent to speak to the head Abbot to find out what he should do. The Abbot says to find Hawk, of course.
 
We cut to a forest to see Hawk save a witch from being burned. Here he does some impressive block-the-arrow-with-your-sword-and-make-it-stick-in-a-tree-fu. We get some Leone-esque close-ups, and the entire time, Hawk does not show any signs of a personality. Hawk has a witch/wizard now too!
 
Meanwhile, Ranulf is still searching for Hawk when he is stopped by forest peasants. He shoots one with a cross bow, then the other one smacks him off of his horse. Seriously, what kind of warrior is this guy? We never see it, but I’m sure the nuns slap him around too. He should stick to farming, or something like that. He’s clearly not cut out for battling. We get a kick-smack music interlude, then Hawk saves Ranulf, while maintaining absolute boringness.
 
Flashback time: Hawk had a fiancé that Voltan believed was his girlfriend before he went to war. That’s the source of all of the animosity.
 

Crow. He's an elf!

Hawk now has to find Crow, Gort, and Baldin in order to fight Voltan. As Hawk discovers, each one is in a real fix, that is until Hawk comes to save the day, because he's our supposed hero. He tells them of the mission, and they each agree to fight. Yay! They return to the Abbey, and have more flashbacks about Voltan killing Hawk’s wife. It turns out Voltan has the Abbess as a hostage now also.
 
Next our heroes come across a disgusting slave trader who spits food on himself when he speaks. An awesome battle scene ensues, and we are invited to bear witness in the choppiest editing that I’ve ever seen. The least they could do is take a couple of different shots of a bow being shot and edit them together. Looping just isn’t doing it.
 
Moving on. Baldin is a trickster when it comes to food. Voltan has a son that he will kill if he holds a knife. And Hawk is still impressively uninteresting.
 
Voltan’s son comes to the Abbey for the gold, but Hawk isn’t feeling it. And, you gotta feel it. So we have another battle scene complete with lots of jump cuts! Voltan’s son is injured in the battle, and Voltan is pist. He kills a soldier that accompanied his son because the sodier survived. That makes sense, I guess.
 
Voltan drops in on the abbey without so much as a phone call, and lets everybody know that they are to give him gold and Hawk, or else the Abbess will be “returned with her innards around her scrowney neck”. Hawk ain’t havin’ it! Crow is out to find Voltan’s hang out, as he runs in slow motion across the land. Luckily in his slow running, he found the blind witch to assist.
 
She shows the group where some of Voltan’s men are camping. We now get to see some of the smokiest fights scenes that have been committed to film! Once finished, Hawk continues to be boring.
 
We get about 5 minutes of the usual. Hawk is worthless, Crow is emotionless, and Gort and Baldin eat. But then a nun drugs some beer and gives it to Gort. No, it’s not “date rape time,” it’s “betray everybody in the convent for your own gain time, and say it’s to help the Abbess time!” This nun allows access to the abbey for Voltan, and is surprised when he betrays and kills her. Holy crap Jack Palance is a ham. Shatner has nothing on this thespian. His speach about killing Hawk's crew brought tears to my eyes.
 
Tied up, our heroes are in great peril. But then, the blind witch enters to shoot silly string on the guard, which is apparently enough to put him and everybody else in the room, besides Hawk's crew, in a coma. Then, the midget dies and we move to a battle with snow and glowing ping-pong balls, and the disco-iest of disco music that I’ve ever heard. I was expecting a biker a sailer and a construction worker to pop on screen. The Indian wouldn’t be there because it’d be too out of place.
 
Hawk and Voltan have their final battler, which is pretty much Voltan swinging his sword wildly while Hawk swats at it. Alas, Voltan is tired, so Hawk moves in for the kill. Voltan’s last words are that he’ll be waiting for Hawk “at the gates of hell.” Holy crap, the dudes even a hard-ass when he’s dieing!
 
When all is said and done, a floating wizard takes Voltan’s body and says that his death will not last because they need him. The blind witch tells Hawk and Gort that some stuffs going down in the south. Looks like it’s time for the sequel, HAWK THE HUNTER!

Bring home the Slayer, in all of his boring glory today!
Hawk the Slayer

Previous: The Wizards of the Demon Sword

The Wizards of the Demon Sword 1991

Most in appropriate cover art ever. Michael
Berryman has a whopping 4 minutes in the movie.

The Wizards of the Demon Sword is another movie that I happened upon on a warm Spring evening whilst perusing Joox for something new to watch. After a quick look over on the always (kind-of) trusty IMDB, I knew it was a definite must see. Directed by Fred Olen Ray!..Oooooh. Produced by Troma Entertainment!...Aaaah. Rated R for nudity and violence!...Yippie ki-yay motherlover.

If you're not familiar with the work of Fred Olen Ray, then you must ask yourself several questions before attempting to watch any of his movies, which range from bad (though in a good way) to awful (in a bad way).

• Question 1: Do you like breasts?
• Question 2: Is thinking during a movie important to you?
• Question 3: Do you view very low production values, and a lack of a plot negatively?

• The answer to Question 1 should be: Yes
• The answer to Question 2 should be: No
• The answer to Question 3 should be: No

If you answered these questions correctly then get ready for some poorly written dialog, extremely sub-par acting, nude women, and claymation dinosaurs that are never on screen with the actors but are still in the movie for some reason!

People to Know

Thane of Hawksridge - The annoying lead character. He claims to be the greatest swordsman ever, and is marginally famous. He has the biggest sword that I've ever seen, and it is only surpassed by his ego. He has a "warrior's cry."

Melina - Daughter of Ulrich the Elder Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. (Geez I'm glad that societies eventually adopted surnames). She's a feminists nightmare in that she's very useless, and pretty much is there for eye candy.

Lord Khoura - The most yuppie looking wizard that I have ever seen. He needs a female virgin (don't we all) to use as a sacrifice to gain ultimate power. He's holding Ulrich the Elder prisoner, and has taken the Blade of Aktar for his sacrificial ceremony.

Damon - Thane of Hawkridge's annoying supporting character. He thinks that he is the best sword fighter in the world, but neither he nor Thane can defeat one another. But who's the best?! The suspence is killing me.

The Seer of Robock - A crazy Ted Kaczynski looking gent. He can shoot lightning from blades, and apparently has a preference for black women.

Selena & Omar - Two of Lor Khoura's henchmen. They are both, no doubt, card carrying member of GLADD.

Ulrich the Elder - Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. He doesn't really have much of a personality.

Gorgon - The best named character in the entire movie...and he knows it.

And the Story Goes...

Geez guys..you gotta want it.

We begin with Melina being chased by three of the laziest pursuers that have ever been filmed. There is a moment where Melina hides under a large rock in an effort to escape her potential captors. The three idiots are standing on the rock, and she is literally 5 feet below them. All they would have to do is jump down, but instead they say "she must have jumped". Oh really? She jumped six whole feet to her imminent death? Jump down and find her jackass!

She is finally captured, but is saved by the always stupid Thane of Hawksridge. He has to be one of the most annoying characters that I've seen. He just talks and talks and talks, and it's always about how great he is. Scemo.

We learn the Melina's father is Ulrich, and that he is being held prisoner by Lord Khoura. As it turns out Ulrich is no ordinary Urich. He's Ulrich the Elder: Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. Holy geez, it's serious now! Why does Lord Khoura need the Blade of Aktar? Why, to obtain "eternal dark power," of course. What an original plot device. He's having problems using the knife, and concludes that he needs "pure new blood", which age doesn't really matter, she just can't have had sex apparently.

Hmm, time for some slave auctions with a man, Lawrence Tierney, who sounds like he's done nothing but smoke premium Turkish tobacco that had been laced with paint thinner for the previous 30 years, solely in preparation for this role. I honestly can't stand the sound of a human voice that is coated in flem and...ah-ha! we get our first booby shot! Impressive. The virgin that he is trying to auction off is taken by Selena without payment. How's he supposed to eat when all of his virgins keep getting taken away? Everybody knows that a virgin is worth 3 times as much as a used wench. Check Kelley Blue Book if you don't believe me!

Thane and Melina go to a brothel to seek The Seer of Robuck(?). I guess it's an appropriate place to look for an oracle. At first the Madam(?) who apparently stands and watches everybody lay around while she smokes a hooka, doesn't seem interested in helping. Eventually she helps, and we learn that the Seer is "north." Oh really? Any particular area north? I mean, the world is pretty big. North covers a pretty large area of Earth.

Next secne: Selena stabs the virgin, and then laughs. That pretty much sums up all that happened there.

Thane and Melina stumble upon the slave trader who gives more vague directions, but somehow they are able to find the Seer. He relates to Melina that she is the key sacrifice to provide eternal dark power, and that Khoura can’t do anything without her. The Seer then Rambles on about how the enlightened ones decided that the knife has to be plunged into that which the Blade Holder cares about most.

Selena then possesses Melina, as she sleeps, by summoning the Spirit of the Never Ending Light, in an effort to try to kill Thane. The two wrestle on the ground as she tries to stab him. Meanwhile The Seer is sound asleep, not more than 6 feet away. Selena’s use of Spiritual transportation angers Khoura, because the powers of darkness must be respected after all. Improper use of the power of darkness is just immoral.

Holy geez Michael Berryman is weird. Gotta love him.

Thane and Melina are back on the road, only to be attacked by highway men while they camp for the evening. Melina is kidnapped so that she can be sold to Khoura, and Thane is tied up and left to die in the desert. Enter the Damon. He cuts Thane free, and they battle to see who is truly the best. It's my belief that they both suck. I’m not even sure that these fight scenes were rehearsed. Anyways, Damon agrees to help Thane because he’s “got nothing to do that afternoon”. Oh, the confidence is plenty.
Khoura tells Ulrich that he knows to use Melina and has plans to sacrifice her. To which Ulrich replies by calling Khoura a “bastard.” Then Thane and Damon storm the castle in the most unexciting way possible. At one point they even laugh that one of the guards is a midget. It's bad when even the characters within the movie question the casting decisions.

Again Thane is captured. What is with this guy? He is always talking about his great fighting skills, but he is captured in every other scene.

Moving on, we see the same scene about 3 times where Khoura threatens to torture Melina in the most painful way imaginable. Honestly, we get it, Khoura. You’re going to torture her. Do it or shut up.

Damon rescues Ulrich and Thane, and they begin to have an another annoying conversation to establish who the alfa male is. There are times that I can’t tell if these two want to go have a beer and watch the game, or to hump each other. Moving on…we have more crappy fight scenes! It is laughable how bad the actors are at trying to fight. Some just stand around waiting for their turn, and they don’t even look interested.

Best scene in the movie.

During the chaos Ulrich frees Melina, but they are spotted by Selena. We think that we might get some girl fight action, but are mistaken when a jerk named Thane comes running in to fight Selena instead. Selena is killed.

Khoura kills Damon (off camera), thank god. This pleases me. Khoura does some wizardly stuff that creates sparks, so everybody runs. Thane and Khoura have one of the most (un)intense fight scenes ever filmed. Thane is able to take the Blade of Aktar from Khoura’s belt, and he stabs him with it. Khoura hams it up for a few while he dies, and the blade is returned to its rightful owner.

Damon is still dead.

Overall

The acting is awful, the dialog is awfuller, and the fight scenes are awfullest. Would I say that it's as unintentionally funny as Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" (which I believe is one of the most unintentionally funny movies ever)? No. But, it is pretty funny. It's worth a watch on a weekend, if there is nothing else to do. Make sure you have the brain cells to kill beforehand though.

There are dinosaurs too. Don't know why, but they're in the movie. And there is no interaction between them and the characters.











Trailer till Wizards of the Demon Sword från rstvideos trailerarkiv.
  

Here is it on DVD. Help feed Mr Olen Ray.  

Wizards of the Demon Sword


Previous: The Devil's Nightmare