Do You Wanna Know a Secret? Review

And The Story Goes...
A group of college kids, including multi-talented Joey "Whoa*" Lawrence, head to Florida for a luxurious spring break vacation. They soon find out that all is not well as acquaintances and friends begin to die by the hand of a mysterious masked killer. It is up to a Reese Witherspoon look-alike and her friends to find out who the killer is, and to stop him before it's too late.

The typical attire of a girl on spring break at 9 in the mo'nin

My Thoughts
The secret is that there are no real scares, blood, boobs or inventive stories involved in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?. Whoa!*

In my review for Dead Above Ground I had mentioned that it was a 'by the numbers' film...and I stand by that statement! As it turns out Do You Wanna Know a Secret? is by all accounts a by the numbers movie to the tenth power. On IMDB this is listed as a horror, thriller and mystery, though if you've seen more than one typical late 90s/early 2000s teen horror flick, then you will probably have 'the secret' figured out in 7 minutes 41 seconds ± 2. Luckily for me, my tolerance for what many would consider to be painfully terrible cinema is fairly high.

After learning the plot of Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, and seeing how 'want to' is spelled, it should come as no surprise that actors who could actually provide solid performances more than likely avoided this project like the plague. In fact, J-Dogg Lawrence (as he's known on the streets) is the best part of this movie. Indeed, the grown up version of the Blossom heartthrob appears to be a Laurence Olivier-esque thespian when compared to the remaining 'actors' (or as I like to call them 'the warm bodies reading lines').

Unimportant character. She doesn't have money,
but man does she want a taco!
(fuzziness is from the movie)

Let's talk death scenes for a moment. They are far and few, and tame even by 1950s standards. Some characters just don't show up for a while, and we learn later that they were killed...off screen. Personally I don't get a hard-on for huge amounts of gore, but I believe that if you intend to make a stereotypical teen slasher film, then by George you need to give the people what they want! I'd like to give a little note to the filmmakers: cutting necks isn't the only way to kill people!

In essence the story line, acting, editing, death scenes, characters and even the score are all average or below average.

Now, I'm sure that you're asking 'but Mr. Inimitable®, isn't there anything redeeming about this movie.' Well, seeing Joey Lawrence play the tough guy is pretty entertaining. I haven't seen such devastating whirling roundhouse kicks since the era of Norris in such classics as Lone Wolf Mcquade and The Octagon. At first glance Joey may appear to be your typical aging teen idol desperately clinging to the fame that he once knew, but I can guarantee you that this ex-Tiger Beat regular is all business.

Joey Norris....I mean Lawrence

Another great character is Oz, who, in keeping with the tradition of Blacula, Blackenstein, and  The Bleature Blom the Black Blagoon, I would like to call Blercules (black Hercules, for those of you who can't put 2 and 2 together), but in the spirit of political correctness I will simply refer to him as the nondescript gent who isn't Joey Lawrence or the killer, or better yet - Oz. This guy is huge, and you would think that might come in handy at some point. However, as the movie progresses, he grows geekier and geekier until he is barely a step above Steve Urkel. At one point the battle between this giant and the killer, who is of average height, build and intelligence, is so one sided that it's laughable. As my grandpa would always say 'you can't judge a book by its cover...even if the cover is on steroids.' I always wondered what in the hell he was talking about. Now I know.

Jeff Conaway (R.I.P), of Taxi and Grease fame plays a troubled detective...or FBI agent...or a person in some position of authority ( I admit that I just don't feel like rewatching it to find out his exact title because it really isn't that important). Unlike Joey, you can see that Signor Conaway doesn't really have an interest in playing in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, and he is just going through the motions for his paycheck. I can't say that I blame him. It would be sad having a once (semi)promising career, and now you are stuck playing with actors who deliver lines with the subtlety of an atom bomb in time square - I'm looking in your direction Leonora Scelfo.

Now I'd like to bear my soul to you for a moment. I don't know what the killer's problem is, and I've actually lost sleep over this because the secret isn't really a secret. The secret is pretty mundain, and it's surprising that the movie makers actually believed that it would require an entire feature length production to:

1. Create a strong desire within the audience to learn what the secret is (something that never happens)
2. Have the characters develop a strong desire to learn what the secret is (I don't think that they even care)
3. Have the secret revealed and resolved (by this point nobody cares anymore because those who managed to stay awake are probably thinking about how they could have watched Scream 3, Gigli, or anything on the food network instead of Do You Wanna Know a Secret?!)

This entire story could have been told in roughly 15 minutes, or 20 minutes if Andrei Tarkovsky is directing. All I'm saying is if you plan on making a movie of mostly filler, then at least give us characters who are fun to watch.

The killer

Conclusion
Do You Wanna Know a Secret? is an incredibly predictable movie that is in a genre that is already filled with overly cliche and predictable entries. The premise isn't that interesting, and the execution doesn't make up for any shortcomings that the script has. The only real reason that I watched it is because I was curious to see Joey Lawrence in a horror movie since all that I remember of him was Blossom and that show and movies that he made with his brothers.

All in all, I would say that if you skip this movie, then you won't be missing much. This would definitely be most entertaining for fans of this particular time period of teen horror flicks, or Joey Lawrence fans, but I think that most would find it stupid and/or boring. Some hooters could have really broken up the monotony of it all, but I guess you can't everything. In other words, watch at your own risk.

1.5/5

Oh yeah...whoa*


*Obligatory Joey Lawrence 'whao' reference. As per Connecticut State Statute 315 article 12, any article, blog or obituary that contains the name 'Joey Lawrence' must have no less than 3 'whao' references per 1000 words. 

Double Impact Review

People to Know
Sheldon Lettich...................Director/Writer


Jean Claude Van Damme....Chad & Alex - One is possibly gay. The other is possibly gay. But on thing is for certain....Alex hates black silk underwear.

Geoffrey Lewis....................Frank - The not-unlike-Don-Quixote father figure of Chad. He's always ready for adventure because danger's his middle name.

Alonna Shaw.......................Danielle - Blonde girlfriend of Alex. Much to his chagrin, Danielle actually likes black silk underwear.

Bolo Yeung..........................Moon - The Ultimate steroid enhanced villain...now with HGH!

And the Story Goes...
Jean Claude Van Damme demonstrates his acting ability in not one, but two thrilling roles. Our hero plays a pair of twins who were separated at birth when their parents are ambushed in Hong Kong by a shady business partner. One twin, Chad, is raised by an American in France. The other twin, Alex, grows up on the mean streets of Hong Kong. They soon discover each other, as well as their history, and together (with the help of their mentor and a sweet ass abandoned hotel headquarters) they move to take out the crime boss that destroyed their lives.

The twins Damme establish their command central

My Thoughts
Double Impact has always been one of my favorite Van Damme movies from what I consider to be his golden era. Captured is the seemingly innocent and youthful Signor Damme attempting give emotional performances, while kicking people in their faces, and doing splits at random. Sure, by normal action hero standards a split might not be the most intimidating thing on the planet, but for Jean Claude it somehow works. And, as previously mentioned, we get twin Van Dammes!

Twin Van Dammes? Usually you have to pay double for that kind of action!

Jean Claude had a hand in writing the story to this gem, and you can bet that there is some ultimate cheese to go along with the action. The man who I really give credit to for all this cheddar is none other than director/writer Sheldon Lettich. You may remember him as the writer of such classics as Bloodsport, Lionheart, Legionnaire, Double Impact, and, of course, Rambo III. And, with directorial efforts such as Lionheart, The Last Patrol, The Order, and Double Impact you know that this will be a fun film. I'll be the first to admit that these movies aren't art, but it's tough to make the argument that the man doesn't know how make a fun flick.

I always hope a pillow fight materializes in this scene

One of my favorite aspects of many Van Damme movies from the era is that he often plays an "American" that is in some strange place, trying to overcome some strange obstacle. His Europeaness is so overwhelmingly apparent that it usually makes for some great laughter throughout these films, and you can almost smell the lack of giving a shiz on the part of all involved. Fortunately for us, Double Impact does not break tradition, and what we are forced to settle with is an English baby that is raised by an American man living in France. Usually this would mean that this particular twin, Chad, would have an American accent when he spoke English, and a French accent when he spoke French,  but instead we are given the task of ignoring his thick French accent in all languages for the sake of the story. His twin brother, Alex, on the other hand is even more of a stretch. Alex was raised by French nuns in Hong Kong, which is supposed to explain his French accent. I suppose that it's unimportant, but it always brings a smile to my face.

Moving on. Having two Van Dammes face off against Hong Kong Triads is a stroke of genius in my book. Being un Americano myself, I love the exotic locations, and the craziness that is possible in these strange worlds. Indeed, Double Impact has it all when it comes to guns, martial arts, explosions, chase scenes on boats (a la Bloodsport), and sexy women! And yes, if you like what you saw in Bloodsport, then you'll be happy to know that we get more fight scenes between Jean Claude and one Mr. Bolo Yeung. Bolo doesn't age, folks. And, he has to be one of the most intimidating antagonists in all of filmdom.

Bolo Yeung causing some Van Dammage

Overall the performances are what you would expect for a late 80s/early 90s action movie. The man to watch is Geoffrey Lewis as he does what Geoffrey Lewis does best. Which is to act as Geoffrey Lewis-ish as possible by overemphasizing various lines as inappropriately as possible. I personally love when his character, Frank, is explaining to Chad and Alex the history of their parents deaths, and the inheritances that they are owed. The emotions can really be felt when he continuously raises his voice indiscriminately throughout his monologue. It's breathtaking.

Shiz just got real for Frank. That's the Chinese Hercules! 

The action scenes are very well put together. Whether you love Van Damme or hate him, you have to admit that these are what he excels at. We as the audiences are given some real treats throughout the movie, including (but not limited to): Van Damme on Van Damme action, rolling on the ground whilst shooting, and unnecessary splits. In my time on this planet I've learned to really appreciate these scenes since we really don't get too many good action movies these days, and we definitely don't get action stars who can do splits.

Not quite as effective as the buddy-cop-handshake, but it'll suffice. 

Conclusion
Double Impact should not only be seen by fans of Jean Claude Van Damme, but also fans of run down hotels. I'll go so far as to say that this film has become a classic. Sure Van Damme seems to be made of Wisconsin's best, but that cheese is what makes him great. However, if you don't like Signor Damme, then this probably isn't the film for you.

Sheldon Lettich gives us his best here, and I can't help but wish that he could pull us out of our quality-action-movie drought that we have been experiencing throughout the past decade. Sadly it seems that the older that Mr. Lettich gets, the slower his output becomes. His last film was in 2006 with no sign of future activity. R.I.P Sheldon Lettich's career. We hardly knew ya.

If you haven't seen it, then watch it. Unless you're of the most hardcore of art-house enthusiasts, you should find Double Impact to be entertaining.

3.5/5

Previous - Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill 

Your Highness Review

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and I didn't really have anything to do, so I decided to risk some of my hard earned capital on David Gordon Green's Your Highness. We typically go for matinées on Sundays, so money really wasn't a concern, and I have to admit that I went in with a fairly limited level of expectation. I do enjoy a good portion of Danny McBride's work, and I figured that it would be a stupid movie to help wear away an afternoon.

I was correct on the fact that this is stupid and lowbrow comedy, but that is what Green and McBride seem to specialize in. I can't help but to think that if you went into Your Highness looking for a "smart" comedy, and you were disappointed, then part of the fault lies on you. That would be like going to see a Will Ferrel movie and expecting to see something on par with Dr. Strangelove. It just won't happen. The fact that Danny McBride wrote it, and David Gordon Green (the same guy who directed Pineapple Express) directed it should give you a slight idea of what to expect.

Many of the jokes are plays on language, and by that I mean the characters often place swear words and current slang in the dialog while continuing to try to maintain the feel of the Medieval setting. Personally, I found it to be somewhat comical, and it managed to keep me grinning throughout the film.  However, I will admit that it does get somewhat predictable the more that this device is used. Also, marijuana jokes and the usual "dick jokes" that plague many of today's comedies are definitely present in Your Highness, but it really doesn't seem to be as annoying when Seth Rogan isn't on screen.

The sight gags were also good enough to make me chuckle from time to time. I must admit that in spite of myself, I found the wearing of the genitals of a minotaur around the neck as a trophy after it's defeat to be fairly comical. Perhaps some may be above such crude devices, but it honestly did come across as somewhat funny to me.

The actors themselves all seem to be having a good time, and all are able add something to the comedy. I even found some of Natalie Portman's lines to not be a complete waste of effort. I usually don't find her that funny, but her and the other cast members are able to play off of each other rather well. I believe that if somebody like Ashton Kutcher were to play opposite of Portman instead of McBride, the comedic ability that she does have would not have played very well. Your Highness just seemed to be a bunch of friends having a good time while making a movie.

The special effects were not bad, and though "shaky-cam" (a technique that I hate) was used during the action scenes, they didn't distract enough in this case to take me out of the adventure. Also, the CG wasn't too bad, though with a budget of close to $50 million I wouldn't expect The Assylum style visuals.

The evil wizard Leezar was probably my favorite character. He just seemed to be this loser who tried so hard come across as a hard-ass, but was really insecure. The corny picture that Leezar draws (with his embellished manhood) of his upcoming consummation night with the captured Belladonna is probably the funniest demonstration of his insecurities, as well as his overall excitement at the thought of being with an actual girl.

Overall, I thought that Your Highness was a funny movie, and I would recommend it for those that enjoy crude humor. It was much better than Pineapple Express because the audience isn't subjected to the dastardly Seth Rogan, and the pacing felt better. Just know that this is a stupid movie, and is really nothing more than a popcorn flick, and you should find it enjoyable. If you're terrified of crude humor, but are still curious to see it, then wait for a rental.

2.5/5

Laser Mission Review

If you like lasers...and missions, then come on down to Jacky's Thoughts. Because we got em both. Well at least a mission part. Here's Laser Mission.

Who to Know

Michael Gold - Our wisecracking mercenary hero. He can take on an foe, and is always quick with a comeback. He's also a master of disguise.

Alissa - The sassy zoologist and love interest that Michael is paired up with as the movie progresses. Her wit is as large as her chest.

Eckhardt - An arms dealer that is in cahoots with Col. Kalishnakov. He is ruthless, and has mummified human heads as trophies. Just come out of the closet already.

Colonel Kalishnakov - The evil Russian col. that is running a diamond mine on slave labor. He also enjoys the company of women.

Professor Braun - The worlds foremost laser expert. He has an idea for a laser, but has not designed it yet. And how is he an expert if he hasn't designed it?

Sgt. Roberta & Manuel - Two bumbling Cuban soldiers that chase Gold, but can never seem to catch him. When these two are on screen hilarity will ensue.

People in the 1980s loved lasers. They seemed so futuristic that they couldn't pass up the thought of beams of light being used to kill people. God bless the 80s.  Why are there no lasers in this movie anyways? You put the word right in the title, and don't deliver. Well, lets get into it.

And the Story Goes...

We open with somebody putting on gloves, and shooting shotguns. Then we're at an auction where the crowd is gassed, and somebody is shooting a shotgun. I guess this guy just shoots his gun during whatever activity he may be doing at the time. Maybe even washing dishes. The movies doesn't show that, but I'm not ruling it out. The walls are shot up, the worlds largest diamond is stolen, and a man in a gas mask looks into the camera. Who are these masked men? Oh, I'm so drawn into the story now. Nothing could ruin this!

Enter the Gold. Michael Gold is entering Cuba for both "business and pleasure." We all know that Gold means business. He needs to find Prof Braun in an effort to try to persuade him to move to the States and help the U.S. create a weapon of mass destruction before the Russians kidnap him. Oh, too late. Gold is hit with a tranquilizer dart, and Braun is kidnapped. Better luck next time my wisecracking merc who "specialized in recess and girls." Gold is also captured and convicted for being a spy. Luckily all foreign guards are completely inept, and he is able to escape with minimal effort from his low-security prison. The guards are so considerate that when the gun that Gold found runs out of bullets, they quit shooting at him. Latin American hospitality.

Back in Washington Gold is being chastised by his employers for botching the mission. It's cool though, because he informs them that they are only pencil pushers, and have no idea what it's like in the field. I'm glad that I got to hear the most cliche speech in the world, because I, much like the characters that he's speaking to, may have forgotten that he is the one that is risking his life. Coincidentally, it's the same speech that Obama made towards the Republicans when he forced his poorly designed health care package through. It's true...classics never die.

Anyways, Gold is now more determined than ever to find the Professor and the diamond. The fate of the world rests on his slender shoulders. Let the mission begin. He parachutes into a country in Africa(?), where there are Cuban(?) soldiers present. It is here that we are made aware of Gold's awe-inspiring ability to wear disguises. He puts on a Cuban Capitan outfit and a mustache, and fools Sgt Roberta and Manuel into believing that he is their superior. It's important to remember that foreign people do not actually speak their native language ever. Instead, they speak English with their native accent. This makes it much easier for us Americans to infiltrate their militaries. Thanks for your cooperation, the rest of the world.

I think Gold may need a little assistance for this mission. Enter Alissa, stage right. They make a date to discuss the good old Profs. situation. But, not before Gold enters one of the least exciting chases that I've ever seen, as nobody is actually chasing him. Something tells me that this particular chase could have ended up on the cutting room floor, and movie wouldn't suffer for it.

Let's watch the date now. Oh, the sexual tension is high as each makes wisecracks at the other. How will this relationship develop? They can't possibly engage in intimate acts...they can't even stand each other! Uh oh, here comes the comic relief. I feel a chase coming on. Gold and Alissa are able to get away in their VW van, which despite popular opinion is the perfect vehicle to escape any and all situations in. Sgt Roberta and Manuel end up all wet as fall into the river. Manuel is shocked to discover that Sgt Roberta is a girl as her white shirt gets wet revealing her chest! Really? The fact that her name is Roberta didn't tip you off to that?

The chase continues into the desert. Lots of explosions. It's not terrible, but it's strange that the soldiers can't hit the broad side of a barn, but Gold is able to shoot them with pinpoint accuracy while in a moving van. He must have played a lot of first person shooters growing up. Finally a rocket hits their van, but the next cut shows them walking around the desert. They were in the van, but they weren't killed, or at least injured in the explosion? I may have missed something, that seems a little too obvious for the director to ignore.

Kalishnakov decides that maybe some mercenaries are needed to track and bring Gold to him. Eckhardt and his men are more than happy to try. As Gold and Alissa are walking across the desert, each mercenary seems to have his own theme. One guy is into bow and arrows, one likes horseback shooting etc. These men are no better than the common soldiers, and are picked off one by one. One of the mercs informs Gold that Eckhardt and Kalishnakov are after him. It's on now.

Gold and Alissa finally arrive in some town, and decide to stay at a hotel for the afternoon.We get some uncomfortable closeups, then the intimacy begins..and ends abruptly. Kalishnakov has an idea about where our two heroes are staying, and threatens to kill the desk clerk if he doesn't tell him which room they're in. While that's going on, Alissa steals his car, and we get an uneventful chase. She's captured, and forced to call Gold and tell him to meet her at Eckhardt's. He doesn't know it's a trap. He goes, finds the African slave laborers and is captured.

He finally gets to meet Eckhardt and Kalishnakov, and engages in combat with Eckhardt while looking at the trackers trophies. It's stupid that Gold's handcuffs were even taken off. It's not like Eckhardt can fight. He hasn't demonstrated any real ability during the entire movie. They should've had the Prof and Eckhardt duke it out. Now that would be entertainment. And Eckhardt's big move against Gold is to dive at him while they are on a rooftop fight. We know what's going to happen, and it does. Gold is fine, Eckhardt is killed. How formulaic.

So, Col. Kalishnakov is holding Alissa captive, and is throwing diamonds into her cleavage. "Throw the D In the Cleave" was one of my favorite games growing up too. The Russians decided to "close up shop," and are killing all of their laborers. We see Sgt Roberta and Manuel, who are prisoners in this camp now, take out a guard with a shovel and take his gun to escape. Now they're skilled combatants I guess.

Kalishnakov shoots Gold in the stomach as he searches for Alissa. But, before the Col. has a chance to kill him, Alissa has a gun to his head. Which he knocks from her hand and runs off, while holding her hostage. Gold ends up finding Kalishnakov holding a knife to Alissa's throat and using her as a shield. Apparently the good Col. doesn't know that Michael Gold has never missed a shot in his entire life. Gold shoots him, he falls off of a cliff, and we do not have him to deal with anymore.

Nope, Kalishnakov was wearing a bullet proof jack, which apparently makes you invincible. Even the fall didn't hurt him. He is blown up before he does anything. So, it was pretty pointless to even have that scene in the movie. At least we're finished with him though.

You know what we need? A wrap-up. That's where the agents that hired Gold and Alissa show up on the scene where all of the action took place, and tie up some loose ends. Yea, we get it! I'm glad that all of the plot holes were still not really explained. As it turns out, Alissa is not the Professor's daughter, but is in fact another agent. Oh dear. That would explain her ability to shoot and drive in tight situations. Though apparently she skipped the training that dealt with hand to hand combat, and not getting your gun knocked out of your hand.

Oh, wait. What's this? Those two stooges, Roberta and Manuel, are stealing the agents' helicopter. Oh, those two are always into something.

Kalishnakov in his stupid bullet proof jacket.

And, Kalishnakov is still alive! He looks like Freddy Kruger, but he is able to shoot. He has such a chip on his shoulder about Gold foiling his plan, that even with the great amount of pain that he would have to be in, he is still trying to kill Gold. Just die or go to the hospital or something this is getting old. Gold smashes him into a wall with a Jeep. I'm not even going to say he's dead, because this fool has more lives than Jason Voorhees.

Cue the music.

Dumb dialog = yes

Plot holes = yep

Continuity error = do you even have to ask?

Funny and fairly entertaining, I would give this movie 3 out of 5 Tommy Wiseau heads.

Here's a review of a horrible moving company called All Star Moving & Storage located in Secaucus (or Jersey City) new jersey. They were horrible, and I want to tell as many people as I can in an effort ensure that they cannot do what they did to me to more people.

The Wizards of the Demon Sword 1991

Most in appropriate cover art ever. Michael
Berryman has a whopping 4 minutes in the movie.

The Wizards of the Demon Sword is another movie that I happened upon on a warm Spring evening whilst perusing Joox for something new to watch. After a quick look over on the always (kind-of) trusty IMDB, I knew it was a definite must see. Directed by Fred Olen Ray!..Oooooh. Produced by Troma Entertainment!...Aaaah. Rated R for nudity and violence!...Yippie ki-yay motherlover.

If you're not familiar with the work of Fred Olen Ray, then you must ask yourself several questions before attempting to watch any of his movies, which range from bad (though in a good way) to awful (in a bad way).

• Question 1: Do you like breasts?
• Question 2: Is thinking during a movie important to you?
• Question 3: Do you view very low production values, and a lack of a plot negatively?

• The answer to Question 1 should be: Yes
• The answer to Question 2 should be: No
• The answer to Question 3 should be: No

If you answered these questions correctly then get ready for some poorly written dialog, extremely sub-par acting, nude women, and claymation dinosaurs that are never on screen with the actors but are still in the movie for some reason!

People to Know

Thane of Hawksridge - The annoying lead character. He claims to be the greatest swordsman ever, and is marginally famous. He has the biggest sword that I've ever seen, and it is only surpassed by his ego. He has a "warrior's cry."

Melina - Daughter of Ulrich the Elder Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. (Geez I'm glad that societies eventually adopted surnames). She's a feminists nightmare in that she's very useless, and pretty much is there for eye candy.

Lord Khoura - The most yuppie looking wizard that I have ever seen. He needs a female virgin (don't we all) to use as a sacrifice to gain ultimate power. He's holding Ulrich the Elder prisoner, and has taken the Blade of Aktar for his sacrificial ceremony.

Damon - Thane of Hawkridge's annoying supporting character. He thinks that he is the best sword fighter in the world, but neither he nor Thane can defeat one another. But who's the best?! The suspence is killing me.

The Seer of Robock - A crazy Ted Kaczynski looking gent. He can shoot lightning from blades, and apparently has a preference for black women.

Selena & Omar - Two of Lor Khoura's henchmen. They are both, no doubt, card carrying member of GLADD.

Ulrich the Elder - Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. He doesn't really have much of a personality.

Gorgon - The best named character in the entire movie...and he knows it.

And the Story Goes...

Geez guys..you gotta want it.

We begin with Melina being chased by three of the laziest pursuers that have ever been filmed. There is a moment where Melina hides under a large rock in an effort to escape her potential captors. The three idiots are standing on the rock, and she is literally 5 feet below them. All they would have to do is jump down, but instead they say "she must have jumped". Oh really? She jumped six whole feet to her imminent death? Jump down and find her jackass!

She is finally captured, but is saved by the always stupid Thane of Hawksridge. He has to be one of the most annoying characters that I've seen. He just talks and talks and talks, and it's always about how great he is. Scemo.

We learn the Melina's father is Ulrich, and that he is being held prisoner by Lord Khoura. As it turns out Ulrich is no ordinary Urich. He's Ulrich the Elder: Keeper of the Blade of Aktar. Holy geez, it's serious now! Why does Lord Khoura need the Blade of Aktar? Why, to obtain "eternal dark power," of course. What an original plot device. He's having problems using the knife, and concludes that he needs "pure new blood", which age doesn't really matter, she just can't have had sex apparently.

Hmm, time for some slave auctions with a man, Lawrence Tierney, who sounds like he's done nothing but smoke premium Turkish tobacco that had been laced with paint thinner for the previous 30 years, solely in preparation for this role. I honestly can't stand the sound of a human voice that is coated in flem and...ah-ha! we get our first booby shot! Impressive. The virgin that he is trying to auction off is taken by Selena without payment. How's he supposed to eat when all of his virgins keep getting taken away? Everybody knows that a virgin is worth 3 times as much as a used wench. Check Kelley Blue Book if you don't believe me!

Thane and Melina go to a brothel to seek The Seer of Robuck(?). I guess it's an appropriate place to look for an oracle. At first the Madam(?) who apparently stands and watches everybody lay around while she smokes a hooka, doesn't seem interested in helping. Eventually she helps, and we learn that the Seer is "north." Oh really? Any particular area north? I mean, the world is pretty big. North covers a pretty large area of Earth.

Next secne: Selena stabs the virgin, and then laughs. That pretty much sums up all that happened there.

Thane and Melina stumble upon the slave trader who gives more vague directions, but somehow they are able to find the Seer. He relates to Melina that she is the key sacrifice to provide eternal dark power, and that Khoura can’t do anything without her. The Seer then Rambles on about how the enlightened ones decided that the knife has to be plunged into that which the Blade Holder cares about most.

Selena then possesses Melina, as she sleeps, by summoning the Spirit of the Never Ending Light, in an effort to try to kill Thane. The two wrestle on the ground as she tries to stab him. Meanwhile The Seer is sound asleep, not more than 6 feet away. Selena’s use of Spiritual transportation angers Khoura, because the powers of darkness must be respected after all. Improper use of the power of darkness is just immoral.

Holy geez Michael Berryman is weird. Gotta love him.

Thane and Melina are back on the road, only to be attacked by highway men while they camp for the evening. Melina is kidnapped so that she can be sold to Khoura, and Thane is tied up and left to die in the desert. Enter the Damon. He cuts Thane free, and they battle to see who is truly the best. It's my belief that they both suck. I’m not even sure that these fight scenes were rehearsed. Anyways, Damon agrees to help Thane because he’s “got nothing to do that afternoon”. Oh, the confidence is plenty.
Khoura tells Ulrich that he knows to use Melina and has plans to sacrifice her. To which Ulrich replies by calling Khoura a “bastard.” Then Thane and Damon storm the castle in the most unexciting way possible. At one point they even laugh that one of the guards is a midget. It's bad when even the characters within the movie question the casting decisions.

Again Thane is captured. What is with this guy? He is always talking about his great fighting skills, but he is captured in every other scene.

Moving on, we see the same scene about 3 times where Khoura threatens to torture Melina in the most painful way imaginable. Honestly, we get it, Khoura. You’re going to torture her. Do it or shut up.

Damon rescues Ulrich and Thane, and they begin to have an another annoying conversation to establish who the alfa male is. There are times that I can’t tell if these two want to go have a beer and watch the game, or to hump each other. Moving on…we have more crappy fight scenes! It is laughable how bad the actors are at trying to fight. Some just stand around waiting for their turn, and they don’t even look interested.

Best scene in the movie.

During the chaos Ulrich frees Melina, but they are spotted by Selena. We think that we might get some girl fight action, but are mistaken when a jerk named Thane comes running in to fight Selena instead. Selena is killed.

Khoura kills Damon (off camera), thank god. This pleases me. Khoura does some wizardly stuff that creates sparks, so everybody runs. Thane and Khoura have one of the most (un)intense fight scenes ever filmed. Thane is able to take the Blade of Aktar from Khoura’s belt, and he stabs him with it. Khoura hams it up for a few while he dies, and the blade is returned to its rightful owner.

Damon is still dead.

Overall

The acting is awful, the dialog is awfuller, and the fight scenes are awfullest. Would I say that it's as unintentionally funny as Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" (which I believe is one of the most unintentionally funny movies ever)? No. But, it is pretty funny. It's worth a watch on a weekend, if there is nothing else to do. Make sure you have the brain cells to kill beforehand though.

There are dinosaurs too. Don't know why, but they're in the movie. And there is no interaction between them and the characters.











Trailer till Wizards of the Demon Sword från rstvideos trailerarkiv.
  

Here is it on DVD. Help feed Mr Olen Ray.  

Wizards of the Demon Sword


Previous: The Devil's Nightmare

The Devil's Nightmare Review: A Tale of Three Hot Chicks

Ah, 1971's The Devil's Nightmare, or La plus longue nuit du diable, or La terrificante notte del demonio, or Vampire Playgirls, or...eh, there are too many titles for this movie for my lazy fingeres to type them all.

Anyways, I discovered this little Belgian/Italian gem on a cool Autumn day when I was searching Joox.net, back when the site was up, for something new to watch. I've never shied away from Italian horror, especially those that were produced in the 1970's, and after a quick lookup on the semi-trusty IMDB, I decided to give it a go.

I read the synopsis, which basically stated that 7 tourists are in need of shelter for a night after they miss their ferry, and the road is blocked denying their tour bus from advancing in a rural area. They are told by an extremely emo-ish looking man in black that is burning sticks that they may be able to stay in the Castle Rhoneberg  for the night. Each tourist represents one of the seven deadly sins. A succubus is in the castle that they are staying in taking each one out according to their sins. Ok, sounds good to me.


So, the movies begins with what appears to be stock footage of WWII, and a title card that says 1945. It's not what I expected, but if I wanted obscenely predictable movies, I'd watch some of the millions of remakes that are put out every year. This is European horror, and if history has taught me anything, it's that 1970's European horror is hardly ever predictable. We get some basic backstory that in the 12th century Sigfried von Rhoneberg made a pact with the devil, and that every first born daughter of each generation would serve him as a succubus. As is turns out the 1945 Baron von Rhoneberg's wife has just had their first baby...a girl. Oh no, the curse continues! So the good Baron does what any repectable father would do, and stabs his baby daughter (on camera no less). Those Germans are all business. (As a little FYI, the Baron rocked his maid who had his daughter, but he is unaware. This daughter would be the first born, and would ultimately be the cursed daughter).  
 
Next scene = opening credits with some P.I.M.P.-ASS music by Italy's own Alessandro Alessandroni! Pictures of castles with Alessandroni's music is the stuff dreams are made. Well, that and boobies, I suppose. We eventually get some of those too, so this film truly has it all!
 
So, next it's 1971, and the Baron who killed his daughter, and doesn't seem to have aged since 1945, is speaking to a reporter about a curse that has been placed on his family, but he doesn't want articles written on the family curse. Hmm, you're cursed, and don't want anybody to know, but you're going to tell a reporter and then tell her that she can't write an article with that information in it? Sounds logical to me! Anyways, she then asks to take pictures of the castle, which again the Baron tells her that she's not allowed. Why did he even have her over? She can't report, can't take pictures. What the hell is she even there for? Being a reporter, and a women (bring it feminists), she ignores his requests and takes pictures anyways. Then a trident looking pole stabs her tire, at which point she runs, and is murdered by a camera. Goodbye unimportant character.

 

Now that that's over with we get to meet our tourists! Lets see, we have a priest- Father Alvin Sorel, an old curmudgeon- Mason, an overweight bus driver- Max Ducha, a jealous wife-Nancy, an aldulterous husband- Howard, a hot blond- Regine, and a hotter brunette- Corrine. So, they end up at Castle von Rhoneberg, and it turns out to be pretty creepy. The usual stuff, doors that open and close by themselves, rain, and a strange staff running the place. It may give them the creeps, but as long as they don't try to take pictures, the camera may spare them.

 

The butler tells them that their rooms are ready because somebody phoned the castle to let them know that the tourists were coming...but who?! As he shows them their rooms we learn that Father Sorel is in fact not a Father, but is in training. He just like to wear the outfit to trick people I guess. We also learn that the mark of the devil is on the floor of the falso preists floor. The butler just kind of gives this piece of information away. The residents of the castle seem adamant about keeping this curse a secret, but at the same time they tell anybody that they come in contact with about it. On to more interesting topics. The two hot characters are both scared, and decide to room together. Oh dear! Two women sharing a room in 1970s Euro-sleaze? Some craziness will ensue.

 

Ah-ha, Baron von Rhoneberg is alchemist. I knew it! We get a view of his impressive 1930s-ish Universal horror lab, complete with boiling beakers and sparks flying. You know, I had a feeling that the Baron maintined his wealth with the help of mysticism. More time than not, European nobility will ensure the continuous growth of their wealth with...whoa lesbianism!

 

Now we move to Howard and Nancy having a lovers quarrle. Nancy believes that Howard is trying to get up in Corrine. You know, all relationships take effort from both parties involved. It is often difficult for one to place absolute trust in another. This lack of trust can cause the jealous partner to see things that in a light that may not be correct, causing much pain to that of their lover who....whao more lesbianism already!

 

Dinner time. The Baron takes time to make small talk with all of his guest before dinner. We get to learn more about each of the characters. For instance, Mason is a prick to virtually everybody that he comes into contact with, Max really likes food, and Corrine is a huge whooo-ore. She claims to collect men, especially married men. Everybody needs a hobby.

 

This is all fun and everything, but something is missing. I don't know what, but it seems like there is an element that isn't present. What could it be? Oh, I know...the succubus!

 

Enter the succubus- Lisa (Erica Blanc). On first appearance Lisa appears to be nothing more than a woman in need of shelter. She enjoys the post dinner festivities with the guests, and gets to know them. Meanwhile Howards is making plans with Corrine to get to know each other a little better behind the staricase to the attic at midnight. I personally couldn't think of a more appropriate place or time, and I would challange you to.

 

We continue on with strange things happening, such as doors that will not open and blood dripping from the ceiling (which turns out to be a cat impaled on spikes). The entire attic is filled with torture devices. Not uncommon for most German households from what I hear. Also, Lisa keeps appearing in the not-priest's room wearing sexually arousing clothing. He eventually has enough, and moves to the library to keep from thinking of the hot ho that keeps appearing on his bed. Uh-oh, here she comes to the library. The seduction continues, though the quasi-priest stays strong, and does not succumb to Lisa's tactics. You're safe for now Senore Falso.

 

But guess who isn't safe. The man who likes to eat. Lisa shows her true colors starting with this poor sap. Oh, what's that? You like to eat? And eat you shall. Seriously, watching this man eat is one of the most difficult things that I've ever had to watch. And that includes the abortion video that I was forced to bear witness to in my health class in High School.

 

Next is Nancy. She loves-a the gold. Don't worry Nancy, Lisa will help you find the Baron's gold. In all seriousness, Old Jack Plissken has always considered himself a greedy fellow, I'd bang a goat in front of a group of Japanese business men for $5, but this stronza makes me look like the most ethical and generous mofo on the planet. She is pissed at her husband for trying to bang Corrine, but is cool with it if she can find the Baron's gold and steal it. You get what you deserve "Nancy the Greedy."

 

Poor Howard and Corrine. Howard is stuck in a loveless marriage, while possessing and insatiable appetite for vagina. Corrine is a whoo-ore. With todays slutty standards, I'm sure that most of us know people like these anways, but this is the 1970s kids. (I don't know what that's supposed to mean). 

 

Moving on. (about) Time for Mr. Mason. I hate this character. He reminds me of a boss I once had. Dude was a prick everybody, but for some reason the company wouldn't fire him. I mean seriously, if a person is having conflicts with everybody within an organization, then it is the responsibility of the company to intervene. I mean you can't just allow this to continue! It isn't fair that everybody else has to succumb to this bastard, and nothing is done! I mean what the fu...I'm sorry, I'm still a little passionate about that subject.

 

So, it's time for the sloth AKA Regine. I'm sorry everybody, but this one hits a little close to home. She likes to sleep. Is that a reason to kill her? That's just mean.

Not-Father Alvin time! Lisa can't take Alvin, so Skinny Devil has to make another appearance. Honestly, he's not a very impressive devil. He looks more like a pedo than a devil, but I have a feeling the producers didn't have the cash to find somebody more devilish. Sean Connery must have asked for too much.

Finally! The showdown between almost good and kind of evil! Time to bargin with the devil. Wouldn't somebody who is training as a priest know that the devil is a trickster that will not live up to end of the deal? I mean, the Prete Falso even mentions that he will go on to save many souls, and thus rob the devil of them. So, wouldn't that make more sense from an efficiency stand point? Jack Plissken understands that these were people that the man had developed a quasi relationship with, but what about all of the others? I don't know, I just seems kind of strange to make a weird deal like that.

 
All in all this is a good movie, with a great soundtrack. If you haven't seen it, but like 1970s European horror and exploitation, then you will probably find something enjoyable with this movie. Erika Blanc is great. Alessandro Alessandroni delivers. And I would recommend this to fans of atmospheric horror.   

Wow! The Devil's Nightmare and Messiah of Evil on 1 two feature set?! That 100% deal.

Previous: Lionheart

Lionheart Movie Review - The Beacon of Hope

Van Damme looking extra liony in
Lionheart

The legacy of Lionheart shall forever remain in our hearts. Lets pay tribute to this monumental achievement in cinema.

The pain felt from the loss of a brother that was burned to death in a drug-deal-gone-wrong is all too familiar to most of us. The majority of us feel powerless to express our overwhelming grief in the face of such events, which only nourishes our desire to seek those that know and understand our pain. Our species has forever, and will forever, develope relationships with others in an effort to help us work through our most difficult moments. Not content with reaching a limited amount of people in need, the team of Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sheldon Lettich and S.N. Warren set out with a legitimate desire to relay our stories, and reach out to those who need their help most. The result was a therapeutic film that was simply titled Lionheart. For those who have been touched by this film, there is no satisfactory level of gratification that we could express to these three brave men. For those who have not been given visual and emotional ecstasy with this film, I am truly sorry, and hope my words will encourage you to view it.

 If you are one of those who are in the minority of never experiencing the mortal burning of a sibling, there is no need to fear. Lionheart covers many controversial topics such as race relations, homo-erotic bare knuckle fighting, and tricking people to accept money from you when they don't want to accept it. There is no doubt that there is something for everybody in this film.

From the moment that we see Leon stab his mail with a large knife in an attempt to scare the mail delivery boy, we see his unflinching devotion to his brother, as well as his effort to go AWOL from the army that he clearly does not want to be in. Who among us have not been soldiers in the French Legion that is stationed in what looks to be somewhere in Africa, only to desert once we find out that our brother has been burned alive? Clearly, we are being met on an emotional level rarely achieved in 1980's action films.

We are then transported to the world of human smuggling, with Leon assuming the role of the smuggled goods. For all of us who feel empowered by Leon's defiance of his rude smuggler, the scene plays like magic. Pure art is the only way to describe the beauty of dialog, camera work, and music that are forever embedded into our tortured hearts.

We are challenged with the question of how far would we each go to earn money to give to our sister-in-law that hates us when Leon decides to fight a bunch of people, and assume a foul-mouthed American as a manager. As we hear Joshua, brought to life by Harrison Page, yell over and over "give me the money mother-fucker" and "mother-fucker, come back...hey wait, mother-fucker", we can sense how close these lines are to the soul of the actor. Never have I been brought to tears the way that I was with each delivery by the embattered Joshua. The two men, Leon and Joshua, prove to us that race should never be a concern when people who have nothing in common develop relationships with each other. I find myself stumbling to find the words when attempting to descibe the manner in which this film captures the human spirit.

Another topic covered is the perception of men in our modern world as nothing more than fighting sex objects. Women need to understand that we are more than just bodies here for their sexual enjoyment, and come to terms with the fact that we have minds, and can contribute to society. When Cynthia's (played by Deborah Rennard) inappropriate advancements were made on Leon, his response of not banging her relentlessly was his way of saying "hey, I may be a man, but that does not give you the right to try to have sex with me without first buying me dinner." This brave act is inspiration to all of us who have had sexy older women try to hump us. Disgusting. Burn your boxers proudly.

Finally, we move on to Leon's fight with Atilla. We must all face our fears, and Atilla is the living representation of these fears. I remember the first time that I fought an opponent to the death in order to try to earn money for my sister-in-law and niece. I was scared, but I knew that their futures were limited since my brother was burned to death in a drug deal gone wrong. Sure, he may have been much bigger than I was, and he sported large porkchop sideburns, but I was able to overcome him, and make him submit instead of killing...because I'm a swell guy.

This story proudly displays the idea that any goal can be achieved, even with broken ribs, if you have heart. Even the two Legion guys that are tracking Leon so that they can capture him, and take him back to the French Legion fall victim to his heartfelt actions. They ultimately decide to place their own jobs on the line, and let him continue to live with his brother's wife and daughter. Follow your dreams, and you could be the next Leon Gaultier.

Holy geez! A Van Damme 4 pack?! That's value if I've ever seen it. It's one of the best purchases that I've ever made. And that includes my Russian mail order bride!
Van Damme Four-Feature Film Set


Previous: Thunder in Paradise