Virus or Zombie Creeping Flesh or Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

The Story Goes...

A contaminated rat at a nuclear facility type building bites and turns the staff into zombies, which ultimately spreads across the entire country of New Guinea. It is up to a journalist and some commandos to destroy the zombies, and prevent the zombie virus from infecting the world's population. 

My Thoughts...

There are three things that Italians are most known for throughout the world:

1. Changing the shape of pasta and pretending that it somehow has different flavors in spite of the fact that every shape contains the exact same ingredients.

2. Drinking coffee from tiny glasses whilst discussing various illegal activities, and opera.

3. And, of course, specializing in exploitation films from the 1960s throughout the 70s and early 1980s. With a minor in zombie films.*

Bruno Mattei specialized in two of these three concepts (I'll let you decide which two), and today we will discuss his zombie classic Virus...or Zombie Creeping Flesh...or Hell of the Living Dead. Distributors could not seem to decide what to name this gem, so it is up to old Jack to decide once and for all. And, I choose Zombie Creeping Flesh just because there is another movie titled Virus, and if I have to say "of the living dead" one more time I'm going to flip.

Zantoro has more hatred for zombies than Tallahassee¹

 Should you do a little research into the life and times of Bruno Mattei, you will see that his mastery ranged from zombie films like Zombie Creeping Flesh, to nunsploitation in Guardian of Hell, to rats in Rats - Notte di Terrore (Night of Terror), and of course sharks in the no-way-affiliated-with-the-original sequel to Jaws; Cruel Jaws. 


IIndeed, Signor Mattei was to exploitation flicks what my morbidly obese drug dealer neighbor is cheeseburgers...a master. Assisting Mattei in this epic piece is none other than the legendary Claudio Fragasso, who you no doubt remember as the director/writer of the life changing experience known as Troll II, taking on the credit of writer. Zombies and Mattei and Fragasso, oh my! This has no choice but to be a nut busting experience for those fans of early 80s Euro-schlock.
Much like many of his contemporary Italian exploitation directors of era such as Lucio Fulci, Mattei's films have a dreamlike quality that I have trouble finding the words to describe. Jack find words hard! Anyways, I suppose that surreal would be an acceptable term, but it seems to be with the film itself, and not the just the subject material. It's like there is always a light haze that covers the scene. It really does seem to set the mood for viral zombie flicks. Good job fellows.

Few people are aware of the Mussolini edict that declared that zombie
exploitation films must contain no less than 1 severed arm per 120 minutes.
Quota filled

For fans of the soundtrack of George Romero's Dawn of the Dead, you will probably love the soundtrack for Zombie Creeping Flesh...if for no other reason than the fact that Mattei stole it directly from Dawn (oh those wily Italians). The music was produced by Goblin, who you may also remember as the band who composed the music for the Dario Argento classic Suspiria. Even if Mattei used the music illegally, it fits the tone of the film, and I enjoyed it. For some reason the formulaic mix of zombies and progressive rock make me all warm and tingly on the inside. A condition that only Mrs. Plissken can alleviate (wink).

 On a side note, I'd like to point out that Bruno was stealing music before stealing music was cool. There was no Napster, iTunes or Limewire in his day. He had to work to steal his music, and he loved it! The man truly was a trailblazer.

Boy zombie

 We are given a real treat with the voice acting, as it compliments the inappropriate overacting that only vintage Italian actors could provide, rather well. After all, questionable delivery decisions on the part of the actor combined with the often lethargic dubbings of the voice actors are truly a large part of what makes these films fun to watch. Geez, I love passion mixed with boredom.

 Now, I know what you're thinking: "Mr. Inimitable®, this is all fine and good, but are there boobs?" Of course there are! You see, the journalist knows that she must work with the natives in order to learn more about the zombies. But, in order for them to trust her, she will need to take off her shirt and wear war paint. I realize that this is the standard method of gaining trust in most cultures today, and it should go without saying, but I'm here to educate those who may not know. You're welcome.

One of the greatest diplomatic figures of our generation

Yes, the rumors are true. Stock footage is used in Zombie Creeping Flesh, and honestly I would expect no less. If you need to make  a 90 minute film, but only have enough resources to make a 60 minute film, then shortcuts have to be made, son. When you're working with a shoestring budget, you gots to do what needs to be done, cracka. That's called keepin' it real.

Some stock footage from Hell of the Living Dead

Conclusion
If you're a fan of classic zombie movies from the late 70s and early 80s, then Zombie Creeping Flesh is a must see. It's cheesy, hokey, and far from art, but it's an eye popping good time. The pacing is great, and you shouldn't get bored. Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso are a great team, and the two know their audience, and provide loads of entertainment for those individuals.

And yes, the story was influenced by previous entries in the genre, but it doesn't take away from the fun. I'm sure that Mattei would admit that he was influenced by his zombie predecessors, and may even have been proud that you took the time to notice.

The typical reaction to seeing a Bruno Mattei film

Generally I would say that this is a great starting point if you would like to see some of Mattei's work. It gives you a taste of Bruno before jumping into the Emmanuels, the nunsploitation, and the Nazisploitation. If you dislike cheapness, then look elsewhere. But, if you want a fun zombie flick from a legendary director, then check this one out.

 3/5














*The previous illustration is not intended to offend normal Italian citizens in any manner, and is clearly provided for entertainment purposes. Please keep in mind that this disclaimer is considered void and unnecessary for the Jersey Shore type losers. 
¹Tallahassee is a reference to the zombie hating lunatic in Zombieland. If you haven't seen it, then you should probably reevaluate your priorities.

Ghost Fever Review

The Story goes...
Buford and Benny are two policemen who are sent to the possibly haunted home of two women, who are allegedly over 100 years old, in order to serve an eviction notice. Once inside the creepy house, strange things begin to happen, and the men discover that the house is actually home to two beautiful young ladies. As it turns out, the house is also haunted by the ghost of a mean slave owner, and it is up to Buford and Benny to save the women from the ghost and eviction.

My Thoughts
Saying that Ghost Fever is a strange film is somewhat of an understatement. For being a comedy/horror film, it is neither funny nor scary. Though it does appear that the two stars, Sherman Hemsley and Luis Avalos, are making a real effort to keep this movie alive. I suppose that I shouldn't be too surprised at the lack of entertainment value of this movie since the director (justifiably) chose the pseudonym "Alan Smithee" as the credit for director. For those of you who don't know, Alan Smithee is a fake name that directors use when they choose to disown a film. A main reason for the use of this pseudonym is for when creative control is taken away from directors by the producers.

Generally I try not to be too negative in my reviews, though I will make fun of many movies, but Ghost Fever is just a bad movie. It really isn't even worthy of earning the coveted "so bad it's good" title that has made classics out of some very poorly created films. Tommy Wiseau's The Room is probably my favorite example of incompetence documented on film.

From the initial introduction of the two ghost characters in the first scene, the lack of quality special effects becomes apparent. Usually I don't find cheap effects to be terribly off-putting, but these effects aren't just cheap, they almost seem like the filmmakers were being lazy. And, we're talking your typical congressman type of lazy here.

The jokes are a mix of slapstick and puns...neither of which are actually funny. For the life of me I cannot determine what audience Ghost Fever was intended for. The humor seems like it would be intended for small children (and I'm talking about Sesame Street aged kids), but when I see Sherman Hemsley in a contraption that is designed to crush a man's twig-and-berries, I can only assume that it's intended for older folks.

One of the more infamous scenes in Ghost Fever (of course I mean it's infamous among the 32 people that have actually seen this movie) involves a dancing mummy. Well, it's actually the ghost of the slave owner wrapped in a sheet so that he can engage in a dance-off with Buford and Benny. This jabroni is break dancing, moon-walking, and basically just bustin' a move. I guess it just doesn't make sense because one minute this ghost wants to kill the two men, but then a moment later he's satisfied with just 'serving' them. He's more inconsistent than Lebron during the playoffs.

Oh, the slave owner ghost becomes a vampire 2/3 into the movie as well. Allegedly a voodoo curse turned his cruel behind into a vampire after he died. Don't hurt yourself over-thinking this. Just except it and be glad that you only have  1/2 of 1 hour left.

One of the most surreal scenes in Ghost Fever is a boxing match that takes place between Benny and none other than Joe Frazier. Benny decides to take on the champ in an effort to win money to save the women from eviction. I don't really have too much to say about this one.

Conclusion
Ghost Fever is pretty bad. If you like to watch poorly made movies so that you can laugh at them, then you might find some redeeming aspects of this movie. I usually like schlocky films, but the jokes were just so lame that it was hard to laugh at them for being stupid.

Overall, I would say to just skip this one. With the hour and a half that you would spend with this disaster, you could be watching paint dry.

.5/5

Graduation Day Review

Who to Know
Herb Freed................Director


Anne Marisse.............Writer
Herb Freed.................Writer
David Baughn.............Writer

Christopher George.........Coach George Michaels
Patch Mckenzie.............Anne Ramstead
E. Danny Murphy...........Kevin Badger
Carmen Argenziano........Insp. Halliday
Vanna White.................Doris


The Story Goes...

A high school track runner dies from a heart attack just as she's finishing the race because her unrelenting coach continues to push her way beyond her abilities. The girl's sister, Anne, returns to their town, I assume to pay her respects, and at the same time the other members of the team are being murdered by a masked killer. He uses a stopwatch to time the murders to ensure that death occurs at 30 seconds. It's up to inspector Halliday to discover who the murderer is, and save the remaining team members.  

My Thoughts

It's no secret that the late 1970s and early 1980s were a magical period for films in the horror genre. With the success of Halloween and Friday the 13th, it was just a matter of time before any and every wanna-be film maker with a super low budget and access to a camera would make copy cat movies to feed on the success of these two classics. Graduation Day is one such film.

The lack of a budget does not necessarily mean a film will be bad, and I will go so far as to say that Graduation Day is not bad at all. In fact, most fans of this period of horror films will probably enjoy the amount of cheese this movie has to offer. Actor Christopher George, who you may remember from such classics as Enter the Ninja and City of the Living Dead (god rest his soul), practically bled cheese with his "subtle" acting style. And, from the inclusion of the entire 7 minute (hit) single "Gangsters of Rock" by Felony, to the hypnotic disco music in the opening sequence, we know that we're in for a rockin' good time that many films of today cannot provide.

Patch Mckenzie as Anne

I admit that the killer in Graduation Day isn't nearly as imposing as champions of the genre such as Michael Meyers or Jason Voorhees, but his creativity is enough to keep the movie entertaining. He clearly enjoys coming up with interesting, and highly implausible, ways of taking out his victims. The amount of prep time that it would take to rig a pole vaulters landing mat with spikes had to have been a lot, and that shows just how committed our killer is. That's what I look for in a homicidal maniac!

The overall story is probably fairly cliche for most of today's audience, but honestly, it's a slasher film, and really shouldn't be subjected to in depth scrutiny. The real reason to watch Graduation Day is for the kill scenes, and the few breasts shots that we get. Realistically, isn't that what we watch any slasher movie for?

All of the actors seem to enjoying their time, and they all seem to ham it up in their own little ways. Linnea Quigley doesn't disappoint with her "assets." Hey, she needs to pass in order to graduate, and she'll do anything to make sure she does. Vanna White also has a part, and I can honestly see why she chose Wheel of Fortune over acting. 

Conclusion
Graduation Day is a fun horror flick, especially for those who are fans of the classic slashers from the early 80s. Casual fans of horror may find the pacing somewhat slow when compared to many of the popular horror movies that came out in the later part of the decade. If you like the feel of the first Friday the 13th, then you would probably like this movie.

The old blade in the football trick.

If you're a hardcore fan, then this movie is a great way to spend any evening with some friends and some beer. There are plenty of good kills, and also plenty of laughs to keep you interested throughout the duration of the movie. Rent it to see if you like it.

2.5/5

The Company of Wolves

Sarah Patterson

Who To Know
Neil Jordan................Director

Sarah Patterson.........Rosaleen
Angela Landsbury.....Granny
Micha Bergese..........Huntsman
David Warner...........Father
Tusse Silberg............Mother

The Story Goes...
We enter the dreams of a pubescent girl, Rosaleen, as she comes to terms with her sexuality, as well as her maturity. Inside her dreamworld she his constantly warned by her granny to beware of the beast that lives inside of all men, and to never leave the straight and narrow. Ultimately, after Rosaleen meets a suave huntsman, she must decide for herself whether or not her grandmother's warnings are true.

Granny warns Rosaleen about straying from the path.

My Thoughts
The recent release of Red Riding Hood brought renewed attention to the legend of Little Red Riding Hood. Though I didn't find the premise of this particular film to be all that intriguing, it did remind me of a film that I hadn't seen in years that was also based on the Little Red Riding Hood story called The Company of Wolves. I decided to give it another watch after all these years, and was just as pleased at this viewing as I was the first time that I saw it. This is a strange and surreal take on the classic tale that is loaded with symbolism that is sure to leave a lasting impression on fans of horror-fantasy.

I had first seen The Company of Wolves on Monster-vision with Joe Bob Briggs when I was a youngin', and I remember being somewhat blown away by the structure. This was a film that stuck with me because it was much stranger than the typical werewolf movie that I had seen up to that point, and I couldn't get past trying to decipher what all of the symbols meant. It was clear that sexual maturity was a theme, but figuring out all of the (sometimes confusing) symbolism is what makes films like this so interesting. Indeed, on first look it can appear that The Company of Wolves is a string of nonsensical scenes that are slapped together with little care, though the reality is that once the themes are understood, it is quite a compelling story that is incredible visually.

The tale of Little Red Riding Hood has been analyzed for a number of years, and one of the more popular analyses amongst many contemporary critics is that it represents the sexual awakening of a young girl who is maturing but is still innocent, as well as the dangers of the advances of those who are also aware of her maturity and naivety. Ultimately, this is the basis that writer Angela Carter used when she wrote the original short story of the same title. Likewise, sexuality has been a major theme in many of director Neil Jordan's popular films such as The Crying Game and Interview With the Vampire, and his vision flowed well with Carters story to create a very compelling film.

Rosaleen and Mother discuss the inner beast.

Granny has stern views of sex and the way that all men are, and she repeatedly attempts to instill these beliefs in Rosaleen. It's true that Granny does have influence in Rosaleen's views to a certain degree, but Rosaleen's Mother has conflicting views that also seem to make an impression on the girl. At one point Rosaleen sees her parents having sex and questions her mother about whether her father was hurting her mother during the activity. To which Mother replies "if there's a beast in men, it meets it's match in women too." Clearly the mother has a different and more sympathetic view of men than Granny. To Mother, power that lies in sex is shared by both men and women, and there is no victim during the act. As you could expect, all of these conflicting influences could be very confusing for a young girl. Sarah Patterson does a great job displaying the innocence, which really draws you in to her character.

The scenery is definitely fantastic, and a dreamlike feeling is held throughout. The bulk of the story takes place in a seemingly secluded mountain village that, due to the lack of direct sunlight, remains dark and somewhat claustrophobic. Perhaps this "tightness" is a reflection of Rosaleen's limited understanding of the world and of sex, as well as what it means to be a mature woman. By not being allowed to stray from the path, the young girl is inexperienced and not able to see beyond the childlike views that she has always known. In any case, fans of dreamlike settings should definitely find those that are in The Company of Wolves beautiful.

The huntsman approaches

One aspect of this film that can be somewhat off-putting for some is that it is really not a full out horror film. If you intend to see a werewolf horror film, then you may be somewhat bored with the slow pacing of The Company of Wolves. You can rest assured that there are indeed aspects of horror in the film such as werewolf transformations and decapitations, but they are not enough for me to consider this straight horror. I would, however, consider this to be a fantasy/drama with elements of horror occasionally mixed in at times.

The final confrontation 

Conclusion
The Company of Wolves is definitely not a film for everybody. I believe that if you go into the film understanding that it is about Rosaleen's entrance into womanhood and her struggle to accept her sexuality, then the symbolism will make much more sense. Often films that deal with werewolves can be nothing more than entertainment schlock with no real substance, but because of the depth of this film, it moves beyond the run of the mill werewolf movie, and becomes a really engaging statement.

Sarah Patterson, though young and new to acting, does a superb job as a confused young girl that is growing up. She seemed to have the beginnings of a promising career, and it seems strange that she stopped acting. Perhaps she had her own awakening of the film business, and called it quits. The supporting cast does an equally great job, and I especially enjoyed seeing Angela Landsbury in all of her porcelain glory.

Anyways, I would recommend this movie to anybody that enjoys rich symbolism, fairy tales, and fantasy. The Company of Wolves is a great movie, and is well worth the time if you know what you're getting into.

4/5
                   

Cobra Vs Ninja - A Review For the Masses

People to Know
Richard Harrison...Gordon
Stuart Smith..........Cobra
Other People........Self

The Storyline
There are ninjas who are fighting, and there's a syndicate that wants to control gambling, and they gamble on the fights, but....It doesn't really matter. We're here for ninjas!

My Thoughts
Much like many terminally ill juveniles who spent their last days on the Neverland Ranch, I have been touched. However, unlike those poor children, I was only touched by the beauty that only Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai could commit to celluloid in all of their cut-and-paste glory. Of course I speak about the Richard Harrison classic film, Cobra Vs Ninja.

I'll begin by saying that if picture quality is a great concern for you, then Cobra Vs Ninja may not be the film for you. There is no digitally remastered blu-ray Criterion edition with guest commentaries featuring Bill Clinton & Kim Jong-il here. It's only two completely unrelated stories crammed into one feature length film with poor picture quality, and questionable voice acting, baby! And, that's how we like it.

From the opening sequence of an aging  Richard Harrison running around fields, and climatically screaming "ninja!" from a hilltop, you should have an idea of whether this is the story for you. Indeed, Cobra Vs Ninja is for the true hard-core ninja fan out there. You'll be pressed to find Korean pop stars who have the aid of CGI to make them look like they have superhuman abilities here. Our ninjas are actually performing the moves, and in this writers opinion, it is much more effective.

If there is on thing that Cobra Vs Ninja does well, it is the fight scenes between the various ninjas. As mentioned earlier there are two separate stories here, story 1 with ninjas, and story 2 with gangsters. The fight scenes between the gangsters aren't bad, but they are not nearly as good as the ninja fights.

The storyline is fairly coherent, but really isn't necessary for this exploitation style movie. After all, you wouldn't watch a "Debbie Does..." movie for its emotional depth.

One complaint that I would like to bring up, which is pretty much the same as my complaints from most of the Ho movies that I have seen, is that there isn't nearly enough ninja action. The gangster story takes up a good portion of the screen time. There are more ninja fights here than in other knock off style movies, such as Ninja Vs Ninja, but I would've appreciated more. Perhaps I'm just a glutton, but I know what I like.

In Conclusion
All in all, I would say that Cobra Vs Ninja is not that bad. The second story is better than many of the second stories in other cut and paste films, which makes this movie a little more watchable in my opinion. If you like ninjas, and are a fan of old school martial arts action films, then I would recommend this movie.

Ninja Vs Ninja

Hmm. What can be said of Ninja Vs Ninja?

We clearly have a case of cut and paste cinema with movie. People that are familiar with films that came out of Hong Kong during the 1980s with the word "ninja" in the title know all to well this technique. Basically, for those of you who don't know, cut and paste cinema is where a director takes 1 or more existing movies that have never been released to the public, and combine them with some new footage that is shot by that director. You can imagine the continuity errors, and overall lack of coherence that these movies possess. Often times seeing the characters "interact" with each other is hysterical. You get nothing more than two people, in clearly different rooms, speaking in sentence fragments in a feeble attempt to push the plot along.

Godfrey Ho was a major contributor to this genre, and it seemed that every movie that he churned out to the public had the word "ninja" in the title. In fact, Richard Harrison, the American actor, credits Ho with destroying his career by recycling the Harrison footage over and over again. That is why if you look at Richard Harrison's IMDB page, you will see a ton of titles that begin with "Ninja..."

We begin Ninja Vs Ninja with a white ninja and a black ninja practicing some ninja stuff in a field, and then running alongside walls. The black (or white, depending upon which way you see it), Thompson, is capable of crawling underground. What a stupid ninja. His name is Thompson, and he crawls? This ninja was robbed.

Modern Ninja running along side walls.

The black (or white) ninja is capable of creating multiple hims, and he can throw Chinese stars. That's more like it. This ninja must have had rich parents or something, because he gets all of the cool abilities. You won't catch this dude crawling around.

So many hims.

Apparently they're friends because they discuss not seeing each other around. They probably don't see each other because they're ninjas. Are they seriously expecting to run into each other at TGI Friday's?

We know what we're getting into with opening dialog such as:
White Ninja - "I use ninjiutsu to get money. I'd do anything for money."
Thompson- "You joined this international crime ring, no doubt for the money."

We're only in this for 2 minutes and 52 seconds, and already it's implausible.

That ends our opening sequence, and seeing as how the rest is a jumbled mess of non-linear edits, nonsensical dialog, and subplots that don't involve the ninjas, and are obviously there just take up time, I'll give you the basic story.

We have a Hong Kong CIA agent(?) chasing down a drug kingpin, Fatso. There are two white men talking about some tapes that were stolen, and Fatso is involved. Bear in mind that Fatso and these men are from two completely different movies, so their only interaction is over the telephone.  Fatso has an indestructible nephew, and a psychotic son that is obsessed with a local T.V. personality. The agent has to fight the indestructible nephew, and kill Fatso's son, who is killing people, and is holding the agents son hostage. The reason that I can't give more of the story, is because it's just a series of subplots that don't develope into anything that is worth mentioning. I don't give more story because there is not possible way that I can.

The acting is sub par, the story is sub parer, and the only redeeming qualities are for the 4 minutes that the ninjas are on screen. Actually, both of these movies may have been ok if they weren't spliced together. Picture The Terminator and Alien being edited together to create one crappy story. It'd be a stupid movie, and that's what this is.

You can watch Ninja Vs Ninja below. You may need the Divx converter.

Laser Mission Review

If you like lasers...and missions, then come on down to Jacky's Thoughts. Because we got em both. Well at least a mission part. Here's Laser Mission.

Who to Know

Michael Gold - Our wisecracking mercenary hero. He can take on an foe, and is always quick with a comeback. He's also a master of disguise.

Alissa - The sassy zoologist and love interest that Michael is paired up with as the movie progresses. Her wit is as large as her chest.

Eckhardt - An arms dealer that is in cahoots with Col. Kalishnakov. He is ruthless, and has mummified human heads as trophies. Just come out of the closet already.

Colonel Kalishnakov - The evil Russian col. that is running a diamond mine on slave labor. He also enjoys the company of women.

Professor Braun - The worlds foremost laser expert. He has an idea for a laser, but has not designed it yet. And how is he an expert if he hasn't designed it?

Sgt. Roberta & Manuel - Two bumbling Cuban soldiers that chase Gold, but can never seem to catch him. When these two are on screen hilarity will ensue.

People in the 1980s loved lasers. They seemed so futuristic that they couldn't pass up the thought of beams of light being used to kill people. God bless the 80s.  Why are there no lasers in this movie anyways? You put the word right in the title, and don't deliver. Well, lets get into it.

And the Story Goes...

We open with somebody putting on gloves, and shooting shotguns. Then we're at an auction where the crowd is gassed, and somebody is shooting a shotgun. I guess this guy just shoots his gun during whatever activity he may be doing at the time. Maybe even washing dishes. The movies doesn't show that, but I'm not ruling it out. The walls are shot up, the worlds largest diamond is stolen, and a man in a gas mask looks into the camera. Who are these masked men? Oh, I'm so drawn into the story now. Nothing could ruin this!

Enter the Gold. Michael Gold is entering Cuba for both "business and pleasure." We all know that Gold means business. He needs to find Prof Braun in an effort to try to persuade him to move to the States and help the U.S. create a weapon of mass destruction before the Russians kidnap him. Oh, too late. Gold is hit with a tranquilizer dart, and Braun is kidnapped. Better luck next time my wisecracking merc who "specialized in recess and girls." Gold is also captured and convicted for being a spy. Luckily all foreign guards are completely inept, and he is able to escape with minimal effort from his low-security prison. The guards are so considerate that when the gun that Gold found runs out of bullets, they quit shooting at him. Latin American hospitality.

Back in Washington Gold is being chastised by his employers for botching the mission. It's cool though, because he informs them that they are only pencil pushers, and have no idea what it's like in the field. I'm glad that I got to hear the most cliche speech in the world, because I, much like the characters that he's speaking to, may have forgotten that he is the one that is risking his life. Coincidentally, it's the same speech that Obama made towards the Republicans when he forced his poorly designed health care package through. It's true...classics never die.

Anyways, Gold is now more determined than ever to find the Professor and the diamond. The fate of the world rests on his slender shoulders. Let the mission begin. He parachutes into a country in Africa(?), where there are Cuban(?) soldiers present. It is here that we are made aware of Gold's awe-inspiring ability to wear disguises. He puts on a Cuban Capitan outfit and a mustache, and fools Sgt Roberta and Manuel into believing that he is their superior. It's important to remember that foreign people do not actually speak their native language ever. Instead, they speak English with their native accent. This makes it much easier for us Americans to infiltrate their militaries. Thanks for your cooperation, the rest of the world.

I think Gold may need a little assistance for this mission. Enter Alissa, stage right. They make a date to discuss the good old Profs. situation. But, not before Gold enters one of the least exciting chases that I've ever seen, as nobody is actually chasing him. Something tells me that this particular chase could have ended up on the cutting room floor, and movie wouldn't suffer for it.

Let's watch the date now. Oh, the sexual tension is high as each makes wisecracks at the other. How will this relationship develop? They can't possibly engage in intimate acts...they can't even stand each other! Uh oh, here comes the comic relief. I feel a chase coming on. Gold and Alissa are able to get away in their VW van, which despite popular opinion is the perfect vehicle to escape any and all situations in. Sgt Roberta and Manuel end up all wet as fall into the river. Manuel is shocked to discover that Sgt Roberta is a girl as her white shirt gets wet revealing her chest! Really? The fact that her name is Roberta didn't tip you off to that?

The chase continues into the desert. Lots of explosions. It's not terrible, but it's strange that the soldiers can't hit the broad side of a barn, but Gold is able to shoot them with pinpoint accuracy while in a moving van. He must have played a lot of first person shooters growing up. Finally a rocket hits their van, but the next cut shows them walking around the desert. They were in the van, but they weren't killed, or at least injured in the explosion? I may have missed something, that seems a little too obvious for the director to ignore.

Kalishnakov decides that maybe some mercenaries are needed to track and bring Gold to him. Eckhardt and his men are more than happy to try. As Gold and Alissa are walking across the desert, each mercenary seems to have his own theme. One guy is into bow and arrows, one likes horseback shooting etc. These men are no better than the common soldiers, and are picked off one by one. One of the mercs informs Gold that Eckhardt and Kalishnakov are after him. It's on now.

Gold and Alissa finally arrive in some town, and decide to stay at a hotel for the afternoon.We get some uncomfortable closeups, then the intimacy begins..and ends abruptly. Kalishnakov has an idea about where our two heroes are staying, and threatens to kill the desk clerk if he doesn't tell him which room they're in. While that's going on, Alissa steals his car, and we get an uneventful chase. She's captured, and forced to call Gold and tell him to meet her at Eckhardt's. He doesn't know it's a trap. He goes, finds the African slave laborers and is captured.

He finally gets to meet Eckhardt and Kalishnakov, and engages in combat with Eckhardt while looking at the trackers trophies. It's stupid that Gold's handcuffs were even taken off. It's not like Eckhardt can fight. He hasn't demonstrated any real ability during the entire movie. They should've had the Prof and Eckhardt duke it out. Now that would be entertainment. And Eckhardt's big move against Gold is to dive at him while they are on a rooftop fight. We know what's going to happen, and it does. Gold is fine, Eckhardt is killed. How formulaic.

So, Col. Kalishnakov is holding Alissa captive, and is throwing diamonds into her cleavage. "Throw the D In the Cleave" was one of my favorite games growing up too. The Russians decided to "close up shop," and are killing all of their laborers. We see Sgt Roberta and Manuel, who are prisoners in this camp now, take out a guard with a shovel and take his gun to escape. Now they're skilled combatants I guess.

Kalishnakov shoots Gold in the stomach as he searches for Alissa. But, before the Col. has a chance to kill him, Alissa has a gun to his head. Which he knocks from her hand and runs off, while holding her hostage. Gold ends up finding Kalishnakov holding a knife to Alissa's throat and using her as a shield. Apparently the good Col. doesn't know that Michael Gold has never missed a shot in his entire life. Gold shoots him, he falls off of a cliff, and we do not have him to deal with anymore.

Nope, Kalishnakov was wearing a bullet proof jack, which apparently makes you invincible. Even the fall didn't hurt him. He is blown up before he does anything. So, it was pretty pointless to even have that scene in the movie. At least we're finished with him though.

You know what we need? A wrap-up. That's where the agents that hired Gold and Alissa show up on the scene where all of the action took place, and tie up some loose ends. Yea, we get it! I'm glad that all of the plot holes were still not really explained. As it turns out, Alissa is not the Professor's daughter, but is in fact another agent. Oh dear. That would explain her ability to shoot and drive in tight situations. Though apparently she skipped the training that dealt with hand to hand combat, and not getting your gun knocked out of your hand.

Oh, wait. What's this? Those two stooges, Roberta and Manuel, are stealing the agents' helicopter. Oh, those two are always into something.

Kalishnakov in his stupid bullet proof jacket.

And, Kalishnakov is still alive! He looks like Freddy Kruger, but he is able to shoot. He has such a chip on his shoulder about Gold foiling his plan, that even with the great amount of pain that he would have to be in, he is still trying to kill Gold. Just die or go to the hospital or something this is getting old. Gold smashes him into a wall with a Jeep. I'm not even going to say he's dead, because this fool has more lives than Jason Voorhees.

Cue the music.

Dumb dialog = yes

Plot holes = yep

Continuity error = do you even have to ask?

Funny and fairly entertaining, I would give this movie 3 out of 5 Tommy Wiseau heads.

Here's a review of a horrible moving company called All Star Moving & Storage located in Secaucus (or Jersey City) new jersey. They were horrible, and I want to tell as many people as I can in an effort ensure that they cannot do what they did to me to more people.

Hawk the Slayer

“This is a story of Heroic Deeds and the bitter struggle for the triumph of Good over Evil and of a wondrous Sword wielded by the mighty Hero when the Legions of Darkness stalk the land.” This unpunctuated mess of a narrated prologue is the opening title card for our movie. We’re in for a winner. Here’s Hawk The Slayer!

Hawk The Slayer was directed by Terry Marcel, who you may remember as the director for such classics as Prisoners of the Lost Universe, and Jane and the Lost City. The art of film direction will forever be indebted to this man. His flawless artistic vision is only complemented by the always subtle acting style of one Jack Palance. This film truly is a classic amongst classics

Who To Know
Hawk – The supposed hero who isn’t likable, isn’t unlikable, and ultimately isn’t really noticeable. Baldin should’ve been the hero. At least he’s clever.
Voltan – The evil brother of Hawk. He looks like the Phantom of the Opera, and wants power.
Ranulf - A supposed warrior that Voltan stabs every time that they come across one another.
Crow – A Spock-like Elf that is great with a bow. He has Elf ears.
Gort – A giant. That’s about it…he’s tall….and he eats.
Baldin – A dwarf that eats…and tricks giants into giving him their food. He has a whip too.

And the story goes...
We open with Voltan threatening his own father for the Key to the Ancient Power. It’s funny seeing Voltan refer to his father as an “old man.” I’d say the guy is probably 5 or 6 years younger than Palance was at this time. It’s like when you have two fat people arguing, and one calls the other fat. There’s no reason for that. Everybody knows that when insulting another person, you must pick something that isn’t true about yourself. I read that in Jet magazine.
 
Long-story-short, Voltan’s brother Hawk, who is about 50 years younger than Voltan, is pounding on the door in an effort to save his father. Dad refuses to give the “last Elvin mindstone” to Voltan, so he stabs his father, and runs. Hawk finally kicks the thin door in, but is too late to catch Voltan. His father gives a sword that has a hand shaped hilt. A glowing rock floats to the hand, the hand comes to life somehow, grabs it, then goes back to being a hilt. Hawk’s ready to slay stuff.
 
After what felt like 20 minutes of opening credits, we see a delirious man, Ranulf, stumbling around. He is taken in by the Sisterhood of the Holy Word, and they are forced to amputate his hand because it’s so badly injured. After he wakes up we discover that “the Devil himself…Voltan” had ransacked his town, killing everybody but him. Convenient. That should add an extra 1.25 hours to the film.
 
Voltan speaks with a wizard for a while about his destiny or something. Then he shows up at the abbey that Ranulf is at to inform the Abbess that he will attack the abbey if they don’t pay him gold. He then throws a knife stabbing Ranulf in the stomach, and cuts a loaf of bread with his sword. Even though Ranulf was just stabbed, he is sent to speak to the head Abbot to find out what he should do. The Abbot says to find Hawk, of course.
 
We cut to a forest to see Hawk save a witch from being burned. Here he does some impressive block-the-arrow-with-your-sword-and-make-it-stick-in-a-tree-fu. We get some Leone-esque close-ups, and the entire time, Hawk does not show any signs of a personality. Hawk has a witch/wizard now too!
 
Meanwhile, Ranulf is still searching for Hawk when he is stopped by forest peasants. He shoots one with a cross bow, then the other one smacks him off of his horse. Seriously, what kind of warrior is this guy? We never see it, but I’m sure the nuns slap him around too. He should stick to farming, or something like that. He’s clearly not cut out for battling. We get a kick-smack music interlude, then Hawk saves Ranulf, while maintaining absolute boringness.
 
Flashback time: Hawk had a fiancé that Voltan believed was his girlfriend before he went to war. That’s the source of all of the animosity.
 

Crow. He's an elf!

Hawk now has to find Crow, Gort, and Baldin in order to fight Voltan. As Hawk discovers, each one is in a real fix, that is until Hawk comes to save the day, because he's our supposed hero. He tells them of the mission, and they each agree to fight. Yay! They return to the Abbey, and have more flashbacks about Voltan killing Hawk’s wife. It turns out Voltan has the Abbess as a hostage now also.
 
Next our heroes come across a disgusting slave trader who spits food on himself when he speaks. An awesome battle scene ensues, and we are invited to bear witness in the choppiest editing that I’ve ever seen. The least they could do is take a couple of different shots of a bow being shot and edit them together. Looping just isn’t doing it.
 
Moving on. Baldin is a trickster when it comes to food. Voltan has a son that he will kill if he holds a knife. And Hawk is still impressively uninteresting.
 
Voltan’s son comes to the Abbey for the gold, but Hawk isn’t feeling it. And, you gotta feel it. So we have another battle scene complete with lots of jump cuts! Voltan’s son is injured in the battle, and Voltan is pist. He kills a soldier that accompanied his son because the sodier survived. That makes sense, I guess.
 
Voltan drops in on the abbey without so much as a phone call, and lets everybody know that they are to give him gold and Hawk, or else the Abbess will be “returned with her innards around her scrowney neck”. Hawk ain’t havin’ it! Crow is out to find Voltan’s hang out, as he runs in slow motion across the land. Luckily in his slow running, he found the blind witch to assist.
 
She shows the group where some of Voltan’s men are camping. We now get to see some of the smokiest fights scenes that have been committed to film! Once finished, Hawk continues to be boring.
 
We get about 5 minutes of the usual. Hawk is worthless, Crow is emotionless, and Gort and Baldin eat. But then a nun drugs some beer and gives it to Gort. No, it’s not “date rape time,” it’s “betray everybody in the convent for your own gain time, and say it’s to help the Abbess time!” This nun allows access to the abbey for Voltan, and is surprised when he betrays and kills her. Holy crap Jack Palance is a ham. Shatner has nothing on this thespian. His speach about killing Hawk's crew brought tears to my eyes.
 
Tied up, our heroes are in great peril. But then, the blind witch enters to shoot silly string on the guard, which is apparently enough to put him and everybody else in the room, besides Hawk's crew, in a coma. Then, the midget dies and we move to a battle with snow and glowing ping-pong balls, and the disco-iest of disco music that I’ve ever heard. I was expecting a biker a sailer and a construction worker to pop on screen. The Indian wouldn’t be there because it’d be too out of place.
 
Hawk and Voltan have their final battler, which is pretty much Voltan swinging his sword wildly while Hawk swats at it. Alas, Voltan is tired, so Hawk moves in for the kill. Voltan’s last words are that he’ll be waiting for Hawk “at the gates of hell.” Holy crap, the dudes even a hard-ass when he’s dieing!
 
When all is said and done, a floating wizard takes Voltan’s body and says that his death will not last because they need him. The blind witch tells Hawk and Gort that some stuffs going down in the south. Looks like it’s time for the sequel, HAWK THE HUNTER!

Bring home the Slayer, in all of his boring glory today!
Hawk the Slayer

Previous: The Wizards of the Demon Sword

Snake Plissken

The Life and Times of Snake Plissken

A somewhat detailed discussion of the biography of one of cinema's greatest characters. No bias is taken as we attempt to uncover the man that they call Plissken.

Every avenue is taken and every resource exhausted in an effort to find out just who Snake Plissken is. The goal of this page is to educate and enlighten both people that know of Snake, and those that are new to his world.

 

Snake Plissken: The Early Years

(Before WWIII)
 
The details of Plissken's childhood are a deeply classified secret. We know that his name is S.D. Plissken. Aside from this information, the facts of his early life are shrouded in mystery. The lack of "transparency" within the Special Forces will probably keep the masses from ever knowing Snake's background and identity. We will continue to fight to know, but until there is Change, we may never discover the early life of this hero.

It is also possible that Snake was not "born" in the traditional sense that normal humans are, but that he was, in fact, created by a secret government program using 1 part "hardcore" and 2 parts "badass". This could explain his ability to take the large amount of punishment that he receives in each story.

However Plissken was conceived, it is clear that he possesses a higher sense of courage and descructive ability than the average person.

Where Does the Snake Lead
Entrance to a Life of Crime

Snake was allegedly in college when the war with Russia began. This information is based on government records. Again, I feel that it is important to note the lack of credibility when using goverment information, and that it is possible that Snake's history was created to conceal his true history.

Eventually Snake enlisted as a Lieutenant in the Army Special Forces unit "Black Flight". He was awarded many awards, and was the definition of the commie bashing American Hero Soldier. His life would change during the Leningrad Ruse of 1990, as we all know. This was the era that Snake received his phalic tattoo, and his signature eyepatch.

Upon returning to his home, Snake discovered that the United States Police Force was made of poodies, and had killed his parents during an operation to capture criminals. This is the final element that made Snake snap and resort to anti-social activities against the government. He began robbing banks, and the man who was once seen as the model soldier became the model criminal. Amongst the criminal element, Snake has become something of a legend, and almost a folkhero for them. His anti-establishment attitude makes him the perfect candidate for the representation of freedom.

In Kansas city Snake and Fresno Bob were cornered by the United States Police Force during a robbery. They were left behind by a cowardly Harold Helman, or Brain as he would later be known. Snake was able to escape, but was witness to the torture of Fresno Bob by the USPF. This created a lot of hatred for Hellman in the heart of Snake, and the tension could be seen once they encounter each other in New York.

It is in 1997 that Snake was finally captured after an ambush. The events after his capture are very well documented on Escape From New York.

Escape From New York
Snake's stay in the most magical place on earth

After Air Force One was hi-jacked and crashed in Manhattan, which by this time was in a state of anarchy and a prison. Government officials had no choice but to rescue the president, and retrieve the tape that he carried that would make the United States the sole superpower left in the world. There was only one man with the perfect combination of ability and street cred that could pull the job off. That man was Snake Plissken.

Plissken's ability to fly glidders into any sitution regardless of the environment proved useful in providing access for him into Manhattan. He was able to gain access without alarming the Duke of New York, though it probably wouldn't matter becuase Snake could at any time bitchify the Duke and take his woman. It took Snake some time to find the Duke and the President, but rest assured he can fight his way through anything. We see Snake hide when the crazies from underground are running through the streets, but I believe it is because he doesn't want to kill that many people. Perhaps he doesn't want the city to stink of death while he's looking for the President. That would be an inconvenience, and Snake doesn't have time for inconveniences.

One interesting note is Snake's compassion for Brain. Here is a man who left him and Fresno Bob behind to be killed, and Snake continues to allow Brain to ride along, even when they were about to escape. A lesser man would've left Brain behind to face his punishment from the Duke of New York. However, Snake said to himself "I hate this man, and Fresno Bob was tortured because he left us behind, but two wrongs do not make a right, and nobody deserves the torture that the Duke will inflict on Brain if he is caught". Or, he just wanted to get the hell out of new york, and Brain knew the fastest way out. Snake can be a "user" like that.

I can't fully explain all of Snakes qualities in detail, because frankly I'm not that talented as a writer. Rent or buy the movie to see Snake's biography from the "New York Era" as it should be known.

Snake Plissken hates crazies the way Glen Beck hates anything not American. 

Escape From LA

Plissken in Time

Escape From L.A. picks up where we never left off. Any fool who claims that this is the same movie as Escape From New York is clearly delusional, and probably doesn't think well. For instance, in Escape From New York, Snake is looking for the president. In Escape From L.A., Snake is looking for the president's daughter...that's completely different. Another simility that people site is that in both movies he finds a semi-love interest that dies five minutes after meeting Snake. First of all, do you think that with all of the women that want Snake, that a couple of them won't die after a few minutes? It's not Snake's fault.

Rarely in cinematic history has tension been created that would be on par with the scene where Cuervo Jones forces Snake to play basketball, or die. One reviewer wrote "Even when my own premature son was born and on the brink of death, I did not experience the stress that I felt during Snake's basketball scene". Wow, powerful stuff.

Snake is an all out tour de force in this adventure. You get to see him surf a tidal wave alongside Pipeline, a character brought to life by the always willing to accept a roll if it will him attention, Peter Fonda. You may remember Peter as the younger brother of the communist loving traitor Jane Fonda. It doesn't get any better than that! Watch the trailer to get a feel for this biopic on the life of the great Snake during the period that I like to refer to as "The L.A. Era".

Previous: Jim Jarmusch II