Do You Wanna Know a Secret? Review

And The Story Goes...
A group of college kids, including multi-talented Joey "Whoa*" Lawrence, head to Florida for a luxurious spring break vacation. They soon find out that all is not well as acquaintances and friends begin to die by the hand of a mysterious masked killer. It is up to a Reese Witherspoon look-alike and her friends to find out who the killer is, and to stop him before it's too late.

The typical attire of a girl on spring break at 9 in the mo'nin

My Thoughts
The secret is that there are no real scares, blood, boobs or inventive stories involved in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?. Whoa!*

In my review for Dead Above Ground I had mentioned that it was a 'by the numbers' film...and I stand by that statement! As it turns out Do You Wanna Know a Secret? is by all accounts a by the numbers movie to the tenth power. On IMDB this is listed as a horror, thriller and mystery, though if you've seen more than one typical late 90s/early 2000s teen horror flick, then you will probably have 'the secret' figured out in 7 minutes 41 seconds ± 2. Luckily for me, my tolerance for what many would consider to be painfully terrible cinema is fairly high.

After learning the plot of Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, and seeing how 'want to' is spelled, it should come as no surprise that actors who could actually provide solid performances more than likely avoided this project like the plague. In fact, J-Dogg Lawrence (as he's known on the streets) is the best part of this movie. Indeed, the grown up version of the Blossom heartthrob appears to be a Laurence Olivier-esque thespian when compared to the remaining 'actors' (or as I like to call them 'the warm bodies reading lines').

Unimportant character. She doesn't have money,
but man does she want a taco!
(fuzziness is from the movie)

Let's talk death scenes for a moment. They are far and few, and tame even by 1950s standards. Some characters just don't show up for a while, and we learn later that they were killed...off screen. Personally I don't get a hard-on for huge amounts of gore, but I believe that if you intend to make a stereotypical teen slasher film, then by George you need to give the people what they want! I'd like to give a little note to the filmmakers: cutting necks isn't the only way to kill people!

In essence the story line, acting, editing, death scenes, characters and even the score are all average or below average.

Now, I'm sure that you're asking 'but Mr. Inimitable®, isn't there anything redeeming about this movie.' Well, seeing Joey Lawrence play the tough guy is pretty entertaining. I haven't seen such devastating whirling roundhouse kicks since the era of Norris in such classics as Lone Wolf Mcquade and The Octagon. At first glance Joey may appear to be your typical aging teen idol desperately clinging to the fame that he once knew, but I can guarantee you that this ex-Tiger Beat regular is all business.

Joey Norris....I mean Lawrence

Another great character is Oz, who, in keeping with the tradition of Blacula, Blackenstein, and  The Bleature Blom the Black Blagoon, I would like to call Blercules (black Hercules, for those of you who can't put 2 and 2 together), but in the spirit of political correctness I will simply refer to him as the nondescript gent who isn't Joey Lawrence or the killer, or better yet - Oz. This guy is huge, and you would think that might come in handy at some point. However, as the movie progresses, he grows geekier and geekier until he is barely a step above Steve Urkel. At one point the battle between this giant and the killer, who is of average height, build and intelligence, is so one sided that it's laughable. As my grandpa would always say 'you can't judge a book by its cover...even if the cover is on steroids.' I always wondered what in the hell he was talking about. Now I know.

Jeff Conaway (R.I.P), of Taxi and Grease fame plays a troubled detective...or FBI agent...or a person in some position of authority ( I admit that I just don't feel like rewatching it to find out his exact title because it really isn't that important). Unlike Joey, you can see that Signor Conaway doesn't really have an interest in playing in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, and he is just going through the motions for his paycheck. I can't say that I blame him. It would be sad having a once (semi)promising career, and now you are stuck playing with actors who deliver lines with the subtlety of an atom bomb in time square - I'm looking in your direction Leonora Scelfo.

Now I'd like to bear my soul to you for a moment. I don't know what the killer's problem is, and I've actually lost sleep over this because the secret isn't really a secret. The secret is pretty mundain, and it's surprising that the movie makers actually believed that it would require an entire feature length production to:

1. Create a strong desire within the audience to learn what the secret is (something that never happens)
2. Have the characters develop a strong desire to learn what the secret is (I don't think that they even care)
3. Have the secret revealed and resolved (by this point nobody cares anymore because those who managed to stay awake are probably thinking about how they could have watched Scream 3, Gigli, or anything on the food network instead of Do You Wanna Know a Secret?!)

This entire story could have been told in roughly 15 minutes, or 20 minutes if Andrei Tarkovsky is directing. All I'm saying is if you plan on making a movie of mostly filler, then at least give us characters who are fun to watch.

The killer

Conclusion
Do You Wanna Know a Secret? is an incredibly predictable movie that is in a genre that is already filled with overly cliche and predictable entries. The premise isn't that interesting, and the execution doesn't make up for any shortcomings that the script has. The only real reason that I watched it is because I was curious to see Joey Lawrence in a horror movie since all that I remember of him was Blossom and that show and movies that he made with his brothers.

All in all, I would say that if you skip this movie, then you won't be missing much. This would definitely be most entertaining for fans of this particular time period of teen horror flicks, or Joey Lawrence fans, but I think that most would find it stupid and/or boring. Some hooters could have really broken up the monotony of it all, but I guess you can't everything. In other words, watch at your own risk.

1.5/5

Oh yeah...whoa*


*Obligatory Joey Lawrence 'whao' reference. As per Connecticut State Statute 315 article 12, any article, blog or obituary that contains the name 'Joey Lawrence' must have no less than 3 'whao' references per 1000 words. 

Ghost Fever Review

The Story goes...
Buford and Benny are two policemen who are sent to the possibly haunted home of two women, who are allegedly over 100 years old, in order to serve an eviction notice. Once inside the creepy house, strange things begin to happen, and the men discover that the house is actually home to two beautiful young ladies. As it turns out, the house is also haunted by the ghost of a mean slave owner, and it is up to Buford and Benny to save the women from the ghost and eviction.

My Thoughts
Saying that Ghost Fever is a strange film is somewhat of an understatement. For being a comedy/horror film, it is neither funny nor scary. Though it does appear that the two stars, Sherman Hemsley and Luis Avalos, are making a real effort to keep this movie alive. I suppose that I shouldn't be too surprised at the lack of entertainment value of this movie since the director (justifiably) chose the pseudonym "Alan Smithee" as the credit for director. For those of you who don't know, Alan Smithee is a fake name that directors use when they choose to disown a film. A main reason for the use of this pseudonym is for when creative control is taken away from directors by the producers.

Generally I try not to be too negative in my reviews, though I will make fun of many movies, but Ghost Fever is just a bad movie. It really isn't even worthy of earning the coveted "so bad it's good" title that has made classics out of some very poorly created films. Tommy Wiseau's The Room is probably my favorite example of incompetence documented on film.

From the initial introduction of the two ghost characters in the first scene, the lack of quality special effects becomes apparent. Usually I don't find cheap effects to be terribly off-putting, but these effects aren't just cheap, they almost seem like the filmmakers were being lazy. And, we're talking your typical congressman type of lazy here.

The jokes are a mix of slapstick and puns...neither of which are actually funny. For the life of me I cannot determine what audience Ghost Fever was intended for. The humor seems like it would be intended for small children (and I'm talking about Sesame Street aged kids), but when I see Sherman Hemsley in a contraption that is designed to crush a man's twig-and-berries, I can only assume that it's intended for older folks.

One of the more infamous scenes in Ghost Fever (of course I mean it's infamous among the 32 people that have actually seen this movie) involves a dancing mummy. Well, it's actually the ghost of the slave owner wrapped in a sheet so that he can engage in a dance-off with Buford and Benny. This jabroni is break dancing, moon-walking, and basically just bustin' a move. I guess it just doesn't make sense because one minute this ghost wants to kill the two men, but then a moment later he's satisfied with just 'serving' them. He's more inconsistent than Lebron during the playoffs.

Oh, the slave owner ghost becomes a vampire 2/3 into the movie as well. Allegedly a voodoo curse turned his cruel behind into a vampire after he died. Don't hurt yourself over-thinking this. Just except it and be glad that you only have  1/2 of 1 hour left.

One of the most surreal scenes in Ghost Fever is a boxing match that takes place between Benny and none other than Joe Frazier. Benny decides to take on the champ in an effort to win money to save the women from eviction. I don't really have too much to say about this one.

Conclusion
Ghost Fever is pretty bad. If you like to watch poorly made movies so that you can laugh at them, then you might find some redeeming aspects of this movie. I usually like schlocky films, but the jokes were just so lame that it was hard to laugh at them for being stupid.

Overall, I would say to just skip this one. With the hour and a half that you would spend with this disaster, you could be watching paint dry.

.5/5

The Company of Wolves

Sarah Patterson

Who To Know
Neil Jordan................Director

Sarah Patterson.........Rosaleen
Angela Landsbury.....Granny
Micha Bergese..........Huntsman
David Warner...........Father
Tusse Silberg............Mother

The Story Goes...
We enter the dreams of a pubescent girl, Rosaleen, as she comes to terms with her sexuality, as well as her maturity. Inside her dreamworld she his constantly warned by her granny to beware of the beast that lives inside of all men, and to never leave the straight and narrow. Ultimately, after Rosaleen meets a suave huntsman, she must decide for herself whether or not her grandmother's warnings are true.

Granny warns Rosaleen about straying from the path.

My Thoughts
The recent release of Red Riding Hood brought renewed attention to the legend of Little Red Riding Hood. Though I didn't find the premise of this particular film to be all that intriguing, it did remind me of a film that I hadn't seen in years that was also based on the Little Red Riding Hood story called The Company of Wolves. I decided to give it another watch after all these years, and was just as pleased at this viewing as I was the first time that I saw it. This is a strange and surreal take on the classic tale that is loaded with symbolism that is sure to leave a lasting impression on fans of horror-fantasy.

I had first seen The Company of Wolves on Monster-vision with Joe Bob Briggs when I was a youngin', and I remember being somewhat blown away by the structure. This was a film that stuck with me because it was much stranger than the typical werewolf movie that I had seen up to that point, and I couldn't get past trying to decipher what all of the symbols meant. It was clear that sexual maturity was a theme, but figuring out all of the (sometimes confusing) symbolism is what makes films like this so interesting. Indeed, on first look it can appear that The Company of Wolves is a string of nonsensical scenes that are slapped together with little care, though the reality is that once the themes are understood, it is quite a compelling story that is incredible visually.

The tale of Little Red Riding Hood has been analyzed for a number of years, and one of the more popular analyses amongst many contemporary critics is that it represents the sexual awakening of a young girl who is maturing but is still innocent, as well as the dangers of the advances of those who are also aware of her maturity and naivety. Ultimately, this is the basis that writer Angela Carter used when she wrote the original short story of the same title. Likewise, sexuality has been a major theme in many of director Neil Jordan's popular films such as The Crying Game and Interview With the Vampire, and his vision flowed well with Carters story to create a very compelling film.

Rosaleen and Mother discuss the inner beast.

Granny has stern views of sex and the way that all men are, and she repeatedly attempts to instill these beliefs in Rosaleen. It's true that Granny does have influence in Rosaleen's views to a certain degree, but Rosaleen's Mother has conflicting views that also seem to make an impression on the girl. At one point Rosaleen sees her parents having sex and questions her mother about whether her father was hurting her mother during the activity. To which Mother replies "if there's a beast in men, it meets it's match in women too." Clearly the mother has a different and more sympathetic view of men than Granny. To Mother, power that lies in sex is shared by both men and women, and there is no victim during the act. As you could expect, all of these conflicting influences could be very confusing for a young girl. Sarah Patterson does a great job displaying the innocence, which really draws you in to her character.

The scenery is definitely fantastic, and a dreamlike feeling is held throughout. The bulk of the story takes place in a seemingly secluded mountain village that, due to the lack of direct sunlight, remains dark and somewhat claustrophobic. Perhaps this "tightness" is a reflection of Rosaleen's limited understanding of the world and of sex, as well as what it means to be a mature woman. By not being allowed to stray from the path, the young girl is inexperienced and not able to see beyond the childlike views that she has always known. In any case, fans of dreamlike settings should definitely find those that are in The Company of Wolves beautiful.

The huntsman approaches

One aspect of this film that can be somewhat off-putting for some is that it is really not a full out horror film. If you intend to see a werewolf horror film, then you may be somewhat bored with the slow pacing of The Company of Wolves. You can rest assured that there are indeed aspects of horror in the film such as werewolf transformations and decapitations, but they are not enough for me to consider this straight horror. I would, however, consider this to be a fantasy/drama with elements of horror occasionally mixed in at times.

The final confrontation 

Conclusion
The Company of Wolves is definitely not a film for everybody. I believe that if you go into the film understanding that it is about Rosaleen's entrance into womanhood and her struggle to accept her sexuality, then the symbolism will make much more sense. Often films that deal with werewolves can be nothing more than entertainment schlock with no real substance, but because of the depth of this film, it moves beyond the run of the mill werewolf movie, and becomes a really engaging statement.

Sarah Patterson, though young and new to acting, does a superb job as a confused young girl that is growing up. She seemed to have the beginnings of a promising career, and it seems strange that she stopped acting. Perhaps she had her own awakening of the film business, and called it quits. The supporting cast does an equally great job, and I especially enjoyed seeing Angela Landsbury in all of her porcelain glory.

Anyways, I would recommend this movie to anybody that enjoys rich symbolism, fairy tales, and fantasy. The Company of Wolves is a great movie, and is well worth the time if you know what you're getting into.

4/5
                   

Chrome and Hot Leather Review: Featuring the Nerdiest Green Berets This Side of the Mississip

Not to be mucked with. 

If you're down with bikersploitation, then boy I have a treat for you today. Of course I'm talking about Lee Frost's 1971s Chrome and Hot Leather! Maybe it's not a perfect movie, but it does have chrome in it, and I think one of the guys in the gang wears a leather coat (most of them wear denim)!

Let's take a look at some of the least biker-ish bikers ever filmed, and how Chrome and Hot Leather contributed to cinema, and ultimately changed the bikersploitation genre.

What's makes this movie different?
Marvin Gaye is in this bad boy! His weapon of choice? The voice of an angel.

Anyways, People To Know

Mitch - A Green Beret whose fiancée was (accidentally) murdered by a (not really) vicious biker gang. He needs revenge, and he needs it now. This guy is so straight laced that Joe Friday would tell him to loosen up.

This magic moment
when I was menacing you
will last forever
forever, 'til the end of time

Jim - Mitch's friend. He's not afraid to ask the question "What's going on?"

T.J. - A large armed biker who often makes statements that don't seem to be true. He'll say things such as "we don't want trouble," or "I'm happy to see you," but you can't help but think that he in fact does want trouble, and is not happy to see you. Also, he does not like noise in the room when he's "menacing someone."

Casey - T.J.'s fellow biker. He smashes Mitch's fiancées windshield with a chain as she's driving down the road. She ultimately drives off of a cliff in true 1970s fashion, and he claims it was an accident. That's just dumb.

Mike - He's controls munitians, and in no way follows protocol.

We're playing G.I.s and Vietcong(s) again? Aw, but I
was the Vietcong last time. 

And the Story Goes...

We begin with Mitch, Jim, and the gang watching some army guys playing the Vietnam equivalent of "Cowboys and Indians." After comparing notes and determining that they probably wouldn't win the Vietnam war, they vow to be hypocritical, and to force their children to endure the same type of situation in the Middle East based on greed, preferably during the the 00s. For the younger readers out there, it is not uncommon for baby boomers to be completely self-centered and greedy. Often you will find them exploit even friends and family to get ahead.

Anyways, we move back to the States to see Mitch's fiancée and her friend being harassed by a biker gang as they are driving down the road. The two try to escape by turning down a road, but "Casey the obsessive biker" decides he will not be rejected by the young beauties, and turns back to run them off of the road, thus killing them.

Look kids, a 1970s "driving off a cliff" shot. This is when
movies were fun. Real cars, real cliffs, real hookers promised
a shot a fame. Ah, times have changed.

Mitch gets word that his fiance has been killed by the vicious biker gang, and comes back to the States with his beret buddies. It's time to track down some outlaws, and to judo-chop some heads.

So, what's the best way to track down and infiltrate a gang of Harley riding outlaws? Buy Kawasakis, and Village People costumes, of course. And it sort of works! Based on their research, Estonian scientist have concluded that bikers can smell a cop a mile away, except when they ride a Kawasaki and dressed as a construction worker.

Eventually Mitch is discovered to be in the army by the gang, and is beat by "large-armed T.J." His Beret buddies are able to track him down, and he is ultimately rescued.

Mitch and his boys somehow are able to get weapons from one of their army buddies who just gives them a ton of stuff. I don't mean a handgun, or a riffle. We're talking dynamite, smoke grenades, mini-rockets and a bunch of other explosives. You'd think that they were invading Canada with the way that they're loading up on bombs.

We enter the final confrontation. Amazingly, there are no deaths in the battle, in spite of the fact that the Berets blow up entire mountains. The Green Berets, through strategy and ingenuity, are able to defeat the bikers and take them to wherever they plan on taking them. Roll credits

Overall

That's Marvin folks. 

Eh, there's nothing special. It's not even "so bad it's funny." It's just kind of boring. The only funny parts are from William Smith (T.J.), who actually is pretty good in this. Marvin Gaye is cool too, but everybody else is just kind of there.

In spite of the images that the title would make you think about, there aren't any steamy scenes. I would expect some of that in a bikersploitation movie. It was the 70s for crying out loud. Streaking was all the rage.

The bikers themselves are just kind of lame, and the Berets are lamer. The bikers are impressively not intimidating in the least. They seem like after school special bikers, instead of down and dirty hardcore bikers. They make renegade look masculine.

I don't really recommend Chrome and Hot Leather unless you're a hardcore __sploitation fan. Or you want to see William Smith or Marvin Gaye handling their business.

Things I learned   

• When a woman says she wants to talk, talk, and talk some more, she doesn't really mean that she wants to talk.
• Bikers fight like the villains in the Adams West Batman series.
• Marvin Gaye should've been in more movies. 
• Bikers don't actually want to hurt people, they just like to sass back. 
• Draft dodgers love to play pinball. 

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