Flashback - Morderische Ferien Review

And the Story Goes...
A young girl, Jeanette, witnesses the murder of her mother and father in their home. She manages to escape from the killer, but spends her youth in a mental institution as she works to overcome the memories. Her doctor feels that she is capable of entering the real world, and he finds a job for Jeanette tutoring a family of rich kids to speak French. Strange events take place, people begin to go missing, and it is up to Jeanette to uncover the secret as to who the killer is, and why he is following her.

Tutor Jeanette arrives on the scene, do you know what I mean?

My Thoughts (This may contain spoilers)
It's no secret that Germans can be scary people. Seriously, they have an intense love of order, they have a real penchant for Polka music, and  they seem to feel a strong desire to push sauerkraut on you when invited into their homes. In spite of all of these terrifying characteristics that the filmmakers of Flashback innately possess, this is not a scary movie. In fact, I propose that what we are seeing is a comedy with some gore thrown in for the heck of it. Comedy/horror would be a more appropriate classification.

It's better that they don't show his face. Trust me

To begin I'd like to proclaim that I personally love just how unlikable all of the victims are. Honestly, the kids seem to be bigger sociopaths than the killer, so we end up just watching people, who do bad things to others, die. Tormenting a person to the point that they have a mental break down is not the best way to go about drawing sympathy. Maybe that scheiße flies in Germany, but not in my hood, crackuh®! This leads me to believe that the writer intentionally made them so horrible that their deaths become comedic, rather than scary.

Speaking of the victims, one thing that I was confused by is the exact age of the "kids" that Jeanette is hired to tutor. I assume that they are supposed to be high school aged, but they really do look like they would be in grad school. And, the fact that Jeanette sleeps with her male student, Leon, would suggest that he isn't a minor. However, out of curiosity I decided to take a stroll on over to the CIA World Factbook to see the age of suffrage in Germany, which is 18. However, according to Wikipedia ( I know, I know), the age of consent in Germany is only 14! This means that Jeanette could rock Leon's world without fear of prosecution as long as she isn't over 21 and in a position of control, e.g. a guardian or tutor, over him. In any respect the kids look a hell-of-a-lot older than teenagers, so I still have no idea what age group we're supposed to be dealing with.

It looks like Jeanette is tutoring Leon on more than just French (wink)

The dubbing is pretty much on par with 1970s chopsocky flicks, and calling the voices inappropriate would be a gross understatement. It is the opinion of us/me at Inimitable Movie Reviews© that the actor voicing Leon, and the dude voicing Chin Bo in Twin Warriors are, in fact, one and the same! I have no evidence to support this, but I'm sticking with the accusation. It's interesting to see that his ability to appropriately voice the characters that he is dubbing has not improved in a full 7 years. In his defense, the female voices every bit as tragic as his, so I'd like to believe that he may be just trying to fit in. In any respect, I feel that subtitles would be more appropriate (I'm looking in your direction Netflix).

Now I know what you're thinking, "but Jack, isn't there anything that is good about Flashback?" Well, yes there is. The choice of camera angles were interesting and fresh. Also, the scenery is very nice, and I liked seeing different types of locations than what we're used to seeing  in typical American slashers. The landscapes are beautiful, and the house is amazing. I can say with a clear conscience that I have never wanted to be a rich German more than I do right now.

The vibrator is mightier than the sword

As to be expected, the women in the cast are all pretty hot. Clearly director Michael Karen knows what the typical fan of cheesy slasher films looks for, which begs the question as to why there are no boobers. This is a European film dagnabbit, we expect no less than 6 nude chicks to be presented for every 90 minutes of footage! You failed us Mr. Karen.

There is a fair amount of human gore, and a lot of animal gore. If you're the sensitive type who can't stand to see dogs chopped in half, or cats in blenders, then you probably wouldn't like Flashback. I will say that it's pretty fake looking, and nowhere near as cruel as what we saw in Cannibal Hollocaust. Personally, I found the dog's death in Funny Games to be much more disturbing than this. Just be aware that animal murders do take place.

Ye get what ye deserve

For the record in regards to the killer, I don't believe that if you see your parents murdered, and you kill their killer in an act of self defense, that you would become a psychopathic killer. That seemed to be the angle that they were going for, but it just seemed weird. After the opening act we see that Jeanette is living in an institution, but appears to be a well adjusted young lady. As to why she is in an institution, I can only ask did she go insane, or was she being punished?

In Conclusion
It's interesting to see a German take on the typical slasher film. Flashback may not be an entirely original story, but it does an adequate job of keeping it entertaining. The twist ending isn't really necessary, and it actually raises a few more questions. This isn't giallo, so I don't understand the need to try to be clever and the constant barrage of twist endings that we as the audience are forced endure these days. If I want mystery I will watch La Signora in Giallo.

Those Germans know how to party!

All in all, Flashback isn't a bad movie, and you will probably get some laughs out it. It's a definite rent before you buy. Check it out with some friends, and enjoy learning about different cultures. Did you know that the standard mode of transportation in Germany is the ski lift?

2.5/5















Previous: Hell of the Living Dead Review

Do You Wanna Know a Secret? Review

And The Story Goes...
A group of college kids, including multi-talented Joey "Whoa*" Lawrence, head to Florida for a luxurious spring break vacation. They soon find out that all is not well as acquaintances and friends begin to die by the hand of a mysterious masked killer. It is up to a Reese Witherspoon look-alike and her friends to find out who the killer is, and to stop him before it's too late.

The typical attire of a girl on spring break at 9 in the mo'nin

My Thoughts
The secret is that there are no real scares, blood, boobs or inventive stories involved in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?. Whoa!*

In my review for Dead Above Ground I had mentioned that it was a 'by the numbers' film...and I stand by that statement! As it turns out Do You Wanna Know a Secret? is by all accounts a by the numbers movie to the tenth power. On IMDB this is listed as a horror, thriller and mystery, though if you've seen more than one typical late 90s/early 2000s teen horror flick, then you will probably have 'the secret' figured out in 7 minutes 41 seconds ± 2. Luckily for me, my tolerance for what many would consider to be painfully terrible cinema is fairly high.

After learning the plot of Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, and seeing how 'want to' is spelled, it should come as no surprise that actors who could actually provide solid performances more than likely avoided this project like the plague. In fact, J-Dogg Lawrence (as he's known on the streets) is the best part of this movie. Indeed, the grown up version of the Blossom heartthrob appears to be a Laurence Olivier-esque thespian when compared to the remaining 'actors' (or as I like to call them 'the warm bodies reading lines').

Unimportant character. She doesn't have money,
but man does she want a taco!
(fuzziness is from the movie)

Let's talk death scenes for a moment. They are far and few, and tame even by 1950s standards. Some characters just don't show up for a while, and we learn later that they were killed...off screen. Personally I don't get a hard-on for huge amounts of gore, but I believe that if you intend to make a stereotypical teen slasher film, then by George you need to give the people what they want! I'd like to give a little note to the filmmakers: cutting necks isn't the only way to kill people!

In essence the story line, acting, editing, death scenes, characters and even the score are all average or below average.

Now, I'm sure that you're asking 'but Mr. Inimitable®, isn't there anything redeeming about this movie.' Well, seeing Joey Lawrence play the tough guy is pretty entertaining. I haven't seen such devastating whirling roundhouse kicks since the era of Norris in such classics as Lone Wolf Mcquade and The Octagon. At first glance Joey may appear to be your typical aging teen idol desperately clinging to the fame that he once knew, but I can guarantee you that this ex-Tiger Beat regular is all business.

Joey Norris....I mean Lawrence

Another great character is Oz, who, in keeping with the tradition of Blacula, Blackenstein, and  The Bleature Blom the Black Blagoon, I would like to call Blercules (black Hercules, for those of you who can't put 2 and 2 together), but in the spirit of political correctness I will simply refer to him as the nondescript gent who isn't Joey Lawrence or the killer, or better yet - Oz. This guy is huge, and you would think that might come in handy at some point. However, as the movie progresses, he grows geekier and geekier until he is barely a step above Steve Urkel. At one point the battle between this giant and the killer, who is of average height, build and intelligence, is so one sided that it's laughable. As my grandpa would always say 'you can't judge a book by its cover...even if the cover is on steroids.' I always wondered what in the hell he was talking about. Now I know.

Jeff Conaway (R.I.P), of Taxi and Grease fame plays a troubled detective...or FBI agent...or a person in some position of authority ( I admit that I just don't feel like rewatching it to find out his exact title because it really isn't that important). Unlike Joey, you can see that Signor Conaway doesn't really have an interest in playing in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, and he is just going through the motions for his paycheck. I can't say that I blame him. It would be sad having a once (semi)promising career, and now you are stuck playing with actors who deliver lines with the subtlety of an atom bomb in time square - I'm looking in your direction Leonora Scelfo.

Now I'd like to bear my soul to you for a moment. I don't know what the killer's problem is, and I've actually lost sleep over this because the secret isn't really a secret. The secret is pretty mundain, and it's surprising that the movie makers actually believed that it would require an entire feature length production to:

1. Create a strong desire within the audience to learn what the secret is (something that never happens)
2. Have the characters develop a strong desire to learn what the secret is (I don't think that they even care)
3. Have the secret revealed and resolved (by this point nobody cares anymore because those who managed to stay awake are probably thinking about how they could have watched Scream 3, Gigli, or anything on the food network instead of Do You Wanna Know a Secret?!)

This entire story could have been told in roughly 15 minutes, or 20 minutes if Andrei Tarkovsky is directing. All I'm saying is if you plan on making a movie of mostly filler, then at least give us characters who are fun to watch.

The killer

Conclusion
Do You Wanna Know a Secret? is an incredibly predictable movie that is in a genre that is already filled with overly cliche and predictable entries. The premise isn't that interesting, and the execution doesn't make up for any shortcomings that the script has. The only real reason that I watched it is because I was curious to see Joey Lawrence in a horror movie since all that I remember of him was Blossom and that show and movies that he made with his brothers.

All in all, I would say that if you skip this movie, then you won't be missing much. This would definitely be most entertaining for fans of this particular time period of teen horror flicks, or Joey Lawrence fans, but I think that most would find it stupid and/or boring. Some hooters could have really broken up the monotony of it all, but I guess you can't everything. In other words, watch at your own risk.

1.5/5

Oh yeah...whoa*


*Obligatory Joey Lawrence 'whao' reference. As per Connecticut State Statute 315 article 12, any article, blog or obituary that contains the name 'Joey Lawrence' must have no less than 3 'whao' references per 1000 words. 

Dead Above Ground Review

Who To Know
Chuck Bowman................Director

Stephen J. Cannell.............Writer


Stephen J. Cannell............Carl Hadden - Nerdy teacher who can't get the girl.
Josh Hammond.................Jeff Lucas - Weird goth kid. Claims to be George Lucas' nephew.
Don Michael Paul..............Tom Donaldson - Pot smokin' gym teacher. 
Antonio Sabato Jr..............Sgt. Dan DeSousa - The Barney Fife of modern homicide detectives.
Lisa Anne Hadley..............Dr. Brenda Boone - She has a thing for incompetent policemen. 


The Story Goes...
A disturbed student at a high school has a series of encounters with both students and faculty members. After one altercation he is accidentally killed when he drives off of a cliff while being chased by another student. It is one year later and students and teachers begin to die at the hands of an unknown vicious killer. Together they must discover who the killer is, and how to stop them.

My Thoughts
I originally watched Dead Above Ground  because I saw that Corbin Bernsen had top billing in this. "Hmm," I thought to myself, "Corbin starring in a teen horror movie? Sounds like fun." Well, I'll be honest, I was a bit let down. Corbin only has a very small roll, and he is in the movie for about five minutes or so. However, being the trooper that I am, I decided to keep watching, and I discovered that it wasn't as bad as I had thought that it would be based on other reviews.

Corbin Bersen and Cindy Margolis(?)

First off, Dead Above Ground is a low budget, by the numbers, straight to video b-horror flick. There is no real originality, or even much interesting dialog being used throughout it. To give you an idea of the quality of writing that this film has, it helps to be aware of the fact that it was written by Stephen J. Cannell (who also plays the role of Carl Hadden). If you're not sure who that is, just be aware that he is responsible for writing such classics as the tv shows Renegade, 21 Jump Street, The A-Team, and The Greatest American Hero. If you prefer this level of cheesiness in your favorite productions, and consider them to be high quality entertainment, then you may enjoy Dead Above Ground. 


One great aspect of this film is Josh Hammond's over the top performance as the psychotic Jeff Lucas. Jeff is the goth of goths. Everything that he wears and says is about the occult, especially when he's sputtering what sounds to be total nonsense about equinoxes and things. I won't go so far as to say that Hammond's acting is on par with Eric Freeman's from Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, but it's pretty darn close. Subtlety definitely isn't in this young man's vocabulary, but I have a feeling that he knew what kind of movie he was taking part in, and he just decided to go all out.

Josh Hammond as Jeff Lucas

Most of the other actors are just playing the standard "we're just here to help drive up the body count," roles. Though, another standout is Antonio Sabato Jr. as the not-so-observant detective. This guy just throws around accusations all willy nilly, all the while never having any real proof of his claims. He likes to detain and release suspects based on the results of polygraph tests. Personally, I like Mr. Sabato because he helps prove the argument that it isn't only women that are chosen for roles based on their looks. After seeing him in this film, I can't help but get the impression that he is actually daring future casting directors to not hire him. Dude got balls(!), but not much talent.

Antonio Sabato Jr. as Sgt Dan Desousa

My favorite character, and one that I would like to see in other movies, is coach Donaldson. He gets fired from his coaching position, and instead of looking for another job like a normal person would, the only response that he could think of is to park his van, which I assume he lives in, in the school parking lot, and to smoke lots of Jane while taunting Carl Hadden. Perhaps I have a fondness for him because in my personal life I try to surround myself with losers like him to help boost my confidence and self esteem. In any case, this character is a winner in my book, and I'd love to see him in a spin-off...possibly costarring Stephen Baldwin.

Don Michael Paul as Coach Tom Donaldson

The movie does an ok job of concealing who the killer is, but you probably will not be blown away when he is revealed. Part of me believes that it was the intentions of the filmmakers to make this a mystery/horror, but it fails in that respect for the most part. Dead Above Ground almost seems to be an amateur's imitation of what horror movies in the later part of the 90s were like.

Conclusion
All in all, I would say that Dead Above Ground is a comedy with elements of horror. I know that Cannell has produced some questionable material in the past, but I just find it hard to believe that he wrote this dialog without realizing that it was incredibly unrealistic, and often times unintentionally funny. When I hear characters relating their internal struggles to others with lines like "sometimes I feel kind of out of place around here. Everybody here drives BMWs or Acuras. I drive an old Camero. I don't belong," I can't help but think that their stupidity is entirely intentional.

On the brighter side, the quality of this film is definitely better than the majority of what The Asylum has put out. Though I'm not sure that's an accomplishment to write home about. It's corny, cheesy, and is definitely not to be taken seriously. I didn't find it to be terribly boring, but I would say to rent it or watch it on Netflix. Unless you're a huge fan of ineptness, in which case I would say to buy it. And yes, there are quite a few unintentionally funny moments in this film.

1.5/5

Graduation Day Review

Who to Know
Herb Freed................Director


Anne Marisse.............Writer
Herb Freed.................Writer
David Baughn.............Writer

Christopher George.........Coach George Michaels
Patch Mckenzie.............Anne Ramstead
E. Danny Murphy...........Kevin Badger
Carmen Argenziano........Insp. Halliday
Vanna White.................Doris


The Story Goes...

A high school track runner dies from a heart attack just as she's finishing the race because her unrelenting coach continues to push her way beyond her abilities. The girl's sister, Anne, returns to their town, I assume to pay her respects, and at the same time the other members of the team are being murdered by a masked killer. He uses a stopwatch to time the murders to ensure that death occurs at 30 seconds. It's up to inspector Halliday to discover who the murderer is, and save the remaining team members.  

My Thoughts

It's no secret that the late 1970s and early 1980s were a magical period for films in the horror genre. With the success of Halloween and Friday the 13th, it was just a matter of time before any and every wanna-be film maker with a super low budget and access to a camera would make copy cat movies to feed on the success of these two classics. Graduation Day is one such film.

The lack of a budget does not necessarily mean a film will be bad, and I will go so far as to say that Graduation Day is not bad at all. In fact, most fans of this period of horror films will probably enjoy the amount of cheese this movie has to offer. Actor Christopher George, who you may remember from such classics as Enter the Ninja and City of the Living Dead (god rest his soul), practically bled cheese with his "subtle" acting style. And, from the inclusion of the entire 7 minute (hit) single "Gangsters of Rock" by Felony, to the hypnotic disco music in the opening sequence, we know that we're in for a rockin' good time that many films of today cannot provide.

Patch Mckenzie as Anne

I admit that the killer in Graduation Day isn't nearly as imposing as champions of the genre such as Michael Meyers or Jason Voorhees, but his creativity is enough to keep the movie entertaining. He clearly enjoys coming up with interesting, and highly implausible, ways of taking out his victims. The amount of prep time that it would take to rig a pole vaulters landing mat with spikes had to have been a lot, and that shows just how committed our killer is. That's what I look for in a homicidal maniac!

The overall story is probably fairly cliche for most of today's audience, but honestly, it's a slasher film, and really shouldn't be subjected to in depth scrutiny. The real reason to watch Graduation Day is for the kill scenes, and the few breasts shots that we get. Realistically, isn't that what we watch any slasher movie for?

All of the actors seem to enjoying their time, and they all seem to ham it up in their own little ways. Linnea Quigley doesn't disappoint with her "assets." Hey, she needs to pass in order to graduate, and she'll do anything to make sure she does. Vanna White also has a part, and I can honestly see why she chose Wheel of Fortune over acting. 

Conclusion
Graduation Day is a fun horror flick, especially for those who are fans of the classic slashers from the early 80s. Casual fans of horror may find the pacing somewhat slow when compared to many of the popular horror movies that came out in the later part of the decade. If you like the feel of the first Friday the 13th, then you would probably like this movie.

The old blade in the football trick.

If you're a hardcore fan, then this movie is a great way to spend any evening with some friends and some beer. There are plenty of good kills, and also plenty of laughs to keep you interested throughout the duration of the movie. Rent it to see if you like it.

2.5/5